I've been asking myself this question a lot lately since I had a weird kinda micro-breakdown a month or two ago, and at the same time I have been trying to sum up exactly how I DO feel so that I can ask this question properly.
I feel fine normally, maybe a little overly anxious about the littlest things, but otherwise OK, but I can also feel how thin that veneer of "fine" really is, like skating on a frozen over pond and hearing the ice cracking behind me and if I stop too long it breaks and I fall into the bottomless icy depths and realise it was there all the time, constant misery, a screaming yawning abyss of isolation and emptiness pervaded by a constant countdown timer to my own death ticking away always way too fast and I just cant see the point of anything if its all just going to end anyway, like life itself is just a way too prolonged death sentence.
It is also worth mentioning that I was nearly in a very serious car crash on Friday, I came within a hair's breadth of being rear-ended on the motorway by some jack-ass driving around 100mph (an honest estimation based on my speed plus speed difference) if I hadn't looked in the mirror at just the right time by sheer dumb luck and swerved then who knows, but even though I experience anxiety over every tiny part of my life, I have not felt any serious feelings about that near-collision, in fact, I have noticed a wholly pathetic showing from my survival instinct this last week, its actually been quite useful at work, though drilling into walls I suspect have electrical wires running through them or climbing to the edge of a roof because I'm running a cable and not worrying about how loose the tiles are (they were moving under my feet) are probably bad signs its not like I'm trying to take risks, I just don't seem to care as much as I should.
So, here comes the question, do I just need to cheer up and also realise I'm just a little braver than I thought, or is there something wrong with me?
I feel fine normally, maybe a little overly anxious about the littlest things, but otherwise OK, but I can also feel how thin that veneer of "fine" really is, like skating on a frozen over pond and hearing the ice cracking behind me and if I stop too long it breaks and I fall into the bottomless icy depths and realise it was there all the time, constant misery, a screaming yawning abyss of isolation and emptiness pervaded by a constant countdown timer to my own death ticking away always way too fast and I just cant see the point of anything if its all just going to end anyway, like life itself is just a way too prolonged death sentence.
It is also worth mentioning that I was nearly in a very serious car crash on Friday, I came within a hair's breadth of being rear-ended on the motorway by some jack-ass driving around 100mph (an honest estimation based on my speed plus speed difference) if I hadn't looked in the mirror at just the right time by sheer dumb luck and swerved then who knows, but even though I experience anxiety over every tiny part of my life, I have not felt any serious feelings about that near-collision, in fact, I have noticed a wholly pathetic showing from my survival instinct this last week, its actually been quite useful at work, though drilling into walls I suspect have electrical wires running through them or climbing to the edge of a roof because I'm running a cable and not worrying about how loose the tiles are (they were moving under my feet) are probably bad signs its not like I'm trying to take risks, I just don't seem to care as much as I should.
So, here comes the question, do I just need to cheer up and also realise I'm just a little braver than I thought, or is there something wrong with me?