Don’t know what to do

[MisterBGone]

Hello @ThePrinceJay - Let me first start off by saying, that I am glad that things did not go according to plan for you. And I know of this disappointment you speak (of); & also what it feels like, to come home from an attempt & then only wish to repeat & fix the mistake - so to speak. But all I would ask you, is this: were you completely honest with them while being monitored inpatient as to your current state (of mind), and furthermore, your intentions (such as that with which you've been planning now). I know that different places have different standards that need to be met, in order to keep you under their watch/or- 'care.'

If you were not telling the truth, I think it would be in your best interest to go about trying to seek some more immediate medical help, with this time trying to be a little more truthful, so that they can help you out to the best of their capabilities.

Now on the Girl. I'm not familiar with the entire backstory, or "history" but since it is clearly sounding as though you consider her someone worth dying for, or over, or at the very least... That being one of the primary reasons, all I will tell you is this. It is very difficult to know how these things will play out with your current life experience (mid 20's?). You haven't lived long enough to be able to fully understand and grasp what life will be like as things transpire, and play out, with or without her.

It's kind of like the weather. If you're stuck in winter, and you hate winter, and all you've ever seen or known is winter . . . then it can be very difficult to envision a summer. But as someone who is quite a bit older than you, I can tell you that -- that / or, "it" is true. (Sorry for the poor analogy, my mind is mush, too~ / speaking more rhetorically, or not directing that at anyone in particular, most notably; You!)

In short, I'm not sure you're thinking in your clearest and most stable frame of mind. Naturally, if you're thinking of ending your life. And so, maybe the reason (or one of them?) that things didn't go as planned previously, is that it just wasn't meant to be. And it is not your time. I don't know. Sometimes it makes very little difference. I'm just here to tell you without being an expert on your life, that calling it quits over a girl, seems a lousy reason, or explanation as to why you've got to (or should) go. Especially - or even more so - given your age, and place in life.

Good luck to you, and don't do anything too suddently and without thinking, or more based and guided upon/or by, "feeling/emotion/etc."

 

[ThePrinceJay]

Thank you for your reply,

I’ll try respond to the points you made in order, I’m a bit of a rambler when it comes to talking.

I can be honest with you here because, you don’t really know who I am, I can do that no I was not honest with them, I telling them I was fine and ready to go, the same to the police when they say me down. I wanted to go and was willing to say and do what I needed to in order to achieve my goal so to speak.

I know to most people that ending your life when a relationship ends/ hits major problems etc sounds how to say stupid? I don’t know, although I have a lot of abandonment issues, someone possibly leaving for me personally, is to strong of an emotion to bare, hopefully now that we’re talking again I can work on this issues with a therapist or someone. And work on my many other issues of insecurities that contributed to this problem to begin with.

i see the problems and hurt that I caused to her as solely my fault, and In my head the best way to stop causing pain to the one I love would be to be gone, you could say well just end the relationship and find someone else, I could, but I don’t want too. I know what I want and who I want to be with, and quite honestly I don’t think my mind will every change on that matter.

hopefully now we’re talking again, and I can get some help, I can put myself in a much better place, and be the person I know I can be. I’m really trying and hopefully I can.

 

[FlamingoWrangler]

sounds like you are both hurting.
I think its time to re-develop trust. trust, along with good communication are part of the foundation of a relationship. All relationships worth having take a lot effort.
i also believe you need to find yourself worthy of life and love before you can do your part to develop a healthy, loving relationship.
good luck! I is glad your are here.

 

[may71]

hopefully now we’re talking again, and I can get some help, I can put myself in a much better place, and be the person I know I can be. I’m really trying and hopefully I can

This is good news! I'm glad that you're talking again. Hopefully if you see a good therapist you can get to better position than you were in before.

 

[MisterBGone]

Thank you for your reply,

I’ll try respond to the points you made in order, I’m a bit of a rambler when it comes to talking.

I can be honest with you here because, you don’t really know who I am, I can do that no I was not honest with them, I telling them I was fine and ready to go, the same to the police when they say me down. I wanted to go and was willing to say and do what I needed to in order to achieve my goal so to speak.

I know to most people that ending your life when a relationship ends/ hits major problems etc sounds how to say stupid? I don’t know, although I have a lot of abandonment issues, someone possibly leaving for me personally, is to strong of an emotion to bare, hopefully now that we’re talking again I can work on this issues with a therapist or someone. And work on my many other issues of insecurities that contributed to this problem to begin with.

i see the problems and hurt that I caused to her as solely my fault, and In my head the best way to stop causing pain to the one I love would be to be gone, you could say well just end the relationship and find someone else, I could, but I don’t want too. I know what I want and who I want to be with, and quite honestly I don’t think my mind will every change on that matter.

hopefully now we’re talking again, and I can get some help, I can put myself in a much better place, and be the person I know I can be. I’m really trying and hopefully I can.

Oh-No, I understand everything you say, completely @ThePrinceJay ! Or, at least I think I do (in so far as one can - on here. . .) / Now, when it come's t o "rambling," no one probably rambles on here as much as--or more than, me! Look: I do know how it feels to end things, over a person in particular, of significant status in your life. I really do... And no, i don't find it to be "stupid," or ridiculous/ludicrous; etc., etc.

For we are talking about the mind here, the human brain. And when it is guided by our Heart(s), sometimes, it is hard to see things from a more rational, and logical (even 'big picture,') point of view. Because we are to blinded, or paralyzed by our emotions. Of which, the two that oppose one another, "Love" & "Hate," perhaps or probably are as strong as any (if not the strongest, of all?). . . People can do some pretty illogical, or for lack of a better term, "insane" / "crazy" things, when in the name of both of these (things). . .

Now, You see these 'things,' Problems & Hurt--as you say or state-- as, "soley your (or 'my,') fault." And then, because of this - then that (calculation, or formulation: of solution in orientation, or answer to, the / or- said, problem). There's a lot of probable cognitive distortions going on here - or, regardless of what you (or any trained professional) would eventually end up calling them, they are your brain and your mind, telling you things which are untrue. Again, rooted in immensely powerful (& therefore, persuasive) "feelings."

What I can confide in you, is that you don't see it ever changing, and that find it impossible to ever see a future without that which you've currently (or maybe, potentially) lost. As it sounds still somewhat uncertain, and up in the air. Now, that's another thing, that is dangerous onto itself~ / Giving someone, anyone. . . That kind of power (the ability to - based on their decision to be, or not to be with you - alone) end your existance.

Even if you'd had something as 'simple,' as depression (clinical), and I say this very "loosely," because obviously any medical condition (psychiatric, psychological, or otherwise~) that's going to allow one to take their own life, is far from easy to deal with. But just using that as an example, or anxiety even, maybe? There are other conditions, perhaps more complex, or multifaceted in their dimensions, at least to me - & perhaps the diagnosis makers, and writers of the behavioral, or mental health field.

So, my point was, even if all you felt you'd had was a case of "simple," depression, that even then. . . when under the care of a qualified and competent psychiatrist (as I once was, when standing in shoes, very / very similar, to yours) and then sometimes in addition to, a psychologist - or therapist. To help you work some of these processes out that are again, sort of not quite crystalizing right, or perhaps as easy to see (for you), as someone from the outside can (like me, or the rest of us on here).

You don't need to have, or be diagnosed with whatever you may consider to be, one of the most difficult of these conditions, in order to be warranted, or worthy of such treatment. They are not easy roads to navigate. But when you think about how hard or unmanageable your life may have become now, then perhaps it is not so difficult, or impossible to see it to be (so). The good news is, with proper help, you can begin to feel a whole lot better about things. And often in fairly short order. At least in terms of the immediacy of a feeling of reduction of the powers of these strong feelings and urges. Impulses, at times, if you will...

The rest of it, may be a longer journey, or path. But everyone has their own and is unique. I'm just saying that should you be willing to submit or subject yourself to the very same and fair treatment that everyone else deserves (a shot at fighting for their own lives), then I think you give yourself, or stand the best chance at success. Yes, you can do it on your own. But I find those waters a bit more troublesome, and that much of a struggle to navigate or manage. Unpredictable, if you will~

That's the one thing I wanted to leave you with, however, or though--is that, it won't always be, or feel, this way! (As you're feeling now. . . )
I know and understand, or accept that this is very hard to see, difficult to believe and everything else. But as I said, I was once in position very close to yours. And I would have never believed these words I'm echoing or saying / speaking to you now, were I to somehow have heard them then, as I am - well, I guess I sort of got lost for a second there. But you hopeful can see what it is I am trying to say (I'd need a hypothetical "time-machine," in my scenario - in order to travel back when I was closer to your age, in order to prove my point).

Which is what I was sort of trying to get at earlier with the poor seasons reference, or comparison. It may never feel like Summer will return here again. But I am here to tell you that it will. And if you can just make it... (not even all the way to here - which, where I am standing is: I was going to say, with rested "assurance," past middle age!) / but there was just a thread topic entitled for arguing such a debate the other day, and so now I'm not sure exactly where I stand? ; ) I'm in my mid 40's. . . out of the Woods, so to speak, and that may be a little bit different in each particular individual's trajectory, or plotted story, if you will.

Some it might be 5 years, others, 1 or 2! It all really just depends on how you go through this process, and progess moving forward, or ahead. And again, with professional help, will be a whole lot more ideal, than not (or without). I know this from personal, or firsthand experience. And it was one of my secret weapons, so to speak, in making it out of those woods from which you now may be lost in (the midst of, or 'something like that!').

Sorry, it is late here in "The States~." I do wish you well, and don't hesitate to continue to keep us updated, and plugged in. We'll be here to help guide you as best we can. And sometimes offering encouragement, is about all we can best hope to do (in the end). Take care- mr B.

 

[The Unknown Philosopher]

As the song goes, 'If you love someone, set them free'.

I'd learn to love them from afar, and let they come to you,
if and when they decide to.