Don't know what I want

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by mulberrypie, Feb 24, 2016.

  1. mulberrypie

    mulberrypie Well-Known Member

    Lately, as in the last 6 months, I have become fixated on finding a romantic relationship. Never had one before. I can recognize that it won't fix all my problems, but it seems an integral part of human experience for most people. It seems mostly pleasant, but I only understand it in theory.

    A big problem I am encountering is that I have low self-esteem and high standards. I'll start with what I think I want. I want to find someone I'm attracted to and enjoy being around. That's difficult, because people like that typically have someone already or someone vying for them. I have very little value on the 'dating market'( I am working to improve this, but still..). So I have not encountered the person I am attracted to and feels the same yet. I noticed I can like someone's personality, but not be attracted to them for a physical reason. It upsets me because it's shallow. It's the opposite of love. It makes me feel incapable of it.

    This is all further complicated by my low self-esteem. I noticed I am become significantly less attracted to people who express interest in me. At best I feel pity for them that they think they can't do any better and at worst I lose respect for them for stooping so low. I feel I am a worthless person through and through and they are really foolish if they can't see that.

    I realize there is a fallacy in here. Something's missing in this equation. I really want love, though. This plight has caused me to lose friends and led me to some unforunate places, including online dating. I'm wondering if I should go back there, but I'm really not sure it has what I'm looking for or if I even know what I'm looking for. Or if I need this right now?

    I'm only writing this because I'm stuck in traffic.
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I think a lot of the issue may be a very self defined case of "cant' love someone else until you love yourself" based on your middle paragraph.

    On a less armchair psychoanalyst note and more personal experience, it is hard when you are looking for a relationship anyway. When you are measuring everybody up for "relationship potential" from word one it is a an awful high bar for standard to start deducting for faults before you even know them well as a person. Getting to know somebody well before deciding if they are LTR material instead of cup of coffee with friends material gives a chance to see who they really are instead of relying on very small glimpses and intuition. Somebody may make a corny joke that makes seem shallow and scratch off relationship possible list because are nervous- but knowing them a while and seeing they are actually really sensitive and kind in action and deed despite a joke made when first met as an example.

    On the plus side, finding fault with the majority is probably not a bad thing at all if your goal is to have a relationship, not to have 10 relationships that all end badly, so stay true to yourself for relationship, maybe cut yourself some slack for time to get to really feel like you know thperson before deciding is no chance for more ever. Hope the light has changed by now. ;)
    Cicada 3301 likes this.
  3. DatAlgorithm

    DatAlgorithm Well-Known Member

    I know I can't say much as far as "You'll definitely find someone for sure!" because I believe life holds no guarantees besides it eventually ending anyways... but anyways I don't think you should sell yourself so short! You're an awesome lady all around and you've got a lot of qualities that many men love and I'm not just sayin that either to flatter you; I really mean it! I say best bet is to feel how you feel and not kid yourself; don't feel guilt either wanting a relationship madly or wanting to do the single thing or even feeling like you're shallow... just be sure you're being honest with yourself about what you truly want and how you truly feel, otherwise you're inviting fakeness, desperation and other bad stuff stemming from those things. Being honest with oneself is a very honorable thing if you ask me. Sorry, I know this isn't the typical advice one would expect but seriously, you are great and I know a lot of people on here alone can attest to that.

    Anyone who can't see it, the problem is with THEM, not you at all.

    I miss chatting with you btw <3