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Don't want to die, yet I do.

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#1
It's been a while since I've been on this site but now I feel the need of support once again.

I've lived with depression for five-six years now and the last two I've developed anxiety but I think I've been doing well despite this so far. Now I've been going to university for a bit over a month, the last two weeks though I've been seriously considering suicide. It's odd because I thought I had considered this many times through these years but this time it feels so different. This time, combined with just feeling plain awful, I also have this intense pain in my stomach, the kind when you have to do something you don't want to do (if you understand the kind I mean) just much, much stronger. It's so strong that I can never forget it. Everyday the pain is there. I also think about how I should kill myself at least twenty times a day. It's like every time I'm having a conversation or if I miss my bus or when I sit in the classroom or just when I wake up in the morning I think about it. Also when I do stuff that usually makes me happy. It's also hard doing home assignments because I'm in so much pain not just psycological but also what feels physical. I've been told that this pain might be because of stress but I think I actually really enjoy doing homework and going to class which is the reason why I don't understand why I'm feeling like this. I've begun going to therapy three months ago but I have to wait more than a month for our next session because she's busy and I'm really scared. I don't think I really want to die but I really, really want to die right now if that somehow makes sense.

I'm sorry this became a long rant. Don't do drugs and stay in school.
 
#2
Sorry to hear that you are going through this.

It sounds like going to a doctor to get the pain in your stomach checked out would be a good idea. You might also be able to get some medication that would help prevent the suicidal thoughts.

It sounds like maybe you are in the UK? If you are near London, I have a list of acupuncture teaching clinics that you might be interested in seeing. Acupuncture might help with your suicidal thoughts (it's been endorsed by the World Health Organization for treating depression) and it might also help you deal with your stomach pain.

Do you want to describe the pain in your stomach further? Is it cold or hot?
 
#3
Thank you for your reply.

I don't live in the UK, no. Have never heard about acupuncture for depression before but it might be worth a shot.

If I had to descripe the pain then I suppose it's a bit hot. I feel it in waves, especially if I'm thinking about things I don't feel I have the energy to deal with or things that makes me sad, which is why I believe it's probably psycological.

It's nice to receive an answer with a possible solution and not just well wishes, so thank you for that. Have also thought about going to de-stress farms. Places with a lot of nature, animals and such, haha. Just not sure I can afford to take time off with uni going on now.
 

Lara_C

Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#4
If I had to descripe the pain then I suppose it's a bit hot. I feel it in waves, especially if I'm thinking about things I don't feel I have the energy to deal with or things that makes me sad, which is why I believe it's probably psycological.
I think it could very well be emotional pain you're feeling, Kate. I experienced the same thing for a couple of months before getting antidepressants which got rid of it in less than a week. You need to tell your doctor about it in any case, whether it turns out to be emotional or not.
 
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