i am sorry this is rather long. i thought i found myself to have an epiphany, but, i think i just found another fracture in my mind. i am seeing how truly broken i am on the inside. Music is always my comfort, guess that's why i want to post here with the song.
i have been in this silent, somber state of contemplation. i gave into my demons again and found my way back into the bottom of a bottle. Old urges are rising and i am fighting their temptations, (clearly minus the wine, i already caved to it and plan to finish what is left)...but why? i question myself, "why am i like this"? Let me be numb or in agony. There is no inbetween. It becomes one or the other. All or nothing. Pain or numbness. i am suffocating myself. i am drowning in myself. Dear god, i need help.
These are my choices. These are my decisions. i decide to drink. i decide to hurt myself or over medicate. This i think is my painful realization of how little i value myself and my own worth. i realized how weak i truly am, to let myself get lost in the alcohol or giving into the pain that brings the numbness. i call it my punishment because...what? That i always felt i wasn't ever enough as a child? That i was bad and told i deserved to be punished and my mind was so weak that it agreed? Now look at the mess i have become...actually, i am just finally seeing the mess i have always been. It is painful to realize this, but i need to.
i thought my stay in the hospital had begun to..."enlighten" me and help me have this wake up call...but, i think all it did was splinter my mind further. Feeling held captive against your will, stripped down forced to see what is burning you from the inside, eating at your soul like a cancer. i became comfortably numb, or my mind just tried to block it all out. My mind couldn't handle the hurt. My mind couldn't handle all of those fractures splintering into one another until this chasm formed so deeply, that no bridge can seem to be built right now. From childhood, to my teens, into my adulthood. i have been this shattered mess who is always lost. i acknowledged i was a mess, but i never accepted the severity of it. Until now. Seeing how badly broken i am, how damaged i have been and all the fake smiles and bandages i have tried to cover it up with to fool others...i think i fooled myself most of all.
My retired therapist finally said something that made sense to me. People tell me that i need to learn to love myself before others, but i felt even the most broken of people could be capable of loving someone even if they can't love themselves. But he told me :
"I really believe that the healthier we become the healthier people we attract and the healthier our relationships are.
That's why people say work on yourself first.
We all seem to look for someone to "save us" but have to save ourselves. "
"Work on yourself first". We can't save anyone if we can't save ourselves. That's the same as loving then...and that finally made sense to me in a way i could truly understand. i do need to work on learning how to love myself. Because my "love" is too broken and it will only cause pain. Right now, it feels impossible to love myself. i am seeing what i have become and i don't like who i see.
i see i am too shattered to know how to love right now. To love in a way that is healthy. That gives me some peace knowing i guess, learning this and coming to realize things i have kept trying to run from.
i am starting to raise my eyes to see what's been hiding in the mirror all of these years...i avoided seeing it because i feared it. Because i was scared to admit it. It's still terrifying to acknowledge it there, but i sense it. It's my Demon. My weight, the anchor holding me out at sea, dragging me to the deaths of the ocean trying to drown me... It's all my hurt that's never healed. i buried my wounds and ignored them. i turned away from them while they wept. They've become so festered now that it's like this blight is eating away at me. There's not much of me left if i keep running from this. i am so scared of finally hearing myself. i am so scared to know what truly healing is...digging up these painful memories to confront will be hard. How can i lay them all to rest so i can breathe...i have to try.
i honestly think the best option may be inpatient. But holidays are near, one of the most painful times of the year. i need to tend to some things and save up money for if i do inpatient. If i could find a new therapist, a truly good one who i can get on well with, then i could try to do this outpatient. But deep down, i feel that inpatient may be the better and safer option. Despite the discomfort of it all and the sense of unease... i feel i am broken enough to need it. i need to heal the hurt behind my eyes.
"...Exhausted
And embarrassed of the way I process
Everything
It hurts to keep it in
But no one understands..."
~ i truly am embarrassed, ashamed, by how i tend to process so much. The spiders, my Demon, twist things so unnecessarily. Reading into meaning that isn't there. It causes conflict and i need to address my mind and understand why that is.
"...i won’t fight it
I’m just tired of healing
I won’t fight it I’m just tired of healing
And feeling
Like I never meant anything..."
~ i don't think i was ever properly healing all this time. i think that i wouldn't allow myself to ever feel like i meant anything either. It wasn't just how i was treated...it's how i perceived myself as well. i never let myself feel that i meant anything. i need to dig deeper to understand why i never feel i mean anything.
i have been in this silent, somber state of contemplation. i gave into my demons again and found my way back into the bottom of a bottle. Old urges are rising and i am fighting their temptations, (clearly minus the wine, i already caved to it and plan to finish what is left)...but why? i question myself, "why am i like this"? Let me be numb or in agony. There is no inbetween. It becomes one or the other. All or nothing. Pain or numbness. i am suffocating myself. i am drowning in myself. Dear god, i need help.
These are my choices. These are my decisions. i decide to drink. i decide to hurt myself or over medicate. This i think is my painful realization of how little i value myself and my own worth. i realized how weak i truly am, to let myself get lost in the alcohol or giving into the pain that brings the numbness. i call it my punishment because...what? That i always felt i wasn't ever enough as a child? That i was bad and told i deserved to be punished and my mind was so weak that it agreed? Now look at the mess i have become...actually, i am just finally seeing the mess i have always been. It is painful to realize this, but i need to.
i thought my stay in the hospital had begun to..."enlighten" me and help me have this wake up call...but, i think all it did was splinter my mind further. Feeling held captive against your will, stripped down forced to see what is burning you from the inside, eating at your soul like a cancer. i became comfortably numb, or my mind just tried to block it all out. My mind couldn't handle the hurt. My mind couldn't handle all of those fractures splintering into one another until this chasm formed so deeply, that no bridge can seem to be built right now. From childhood, to my teens, into my adulthood. i have been this shattered mess who is always lost. i acknowledged i was a mess, but i never accepted the severity of it. Until now. Seeing how badly broken i am, how damaged i have been and all the fake smiles and bandages i have tried to cover it up with to fool others...i think i fooled myself most of all.
My retired therapist finally said something that made sense to me. People tell me that i need to learn to love myself before others, but i felt even the most broken of people could be capable of loving someone even if they can't love themselves. But he told me :
"I really believe that the healthier we become the healthier people we attract and the healthier our relationships are.
That's why people say work on yourself first.
We all seem to look for someone to "save us" but have to save ourselves. "
"Work on yourself first". We can't save anyone if we can't save ourselves. That's the same as loving then...and that finally made sense to me in a way i could truly understand. i do need to work on learning how to love myself. Because my "love" is too broken and it will only cause pain. Right now, it feels impossible to love myself. i am seeing what i have become and i don't like who i see.
i see i am too shattered to know how to love right now. To love in a way that is healthy. That gives me some peace knowing i guess, learning this and coming to realize things i have kept trying to run from.
i am starting to raise my eyes to see what's been hiding in the mirror all of these years...i avoided seeing it because i feared it. Because i was scared to admit it. It's still terrifying to acknowledge it there, but i sense it. It's my Demon. My weight, the anchor holding me out at sea, dragging me to the deaths of the ocean trying to drown me... It's all my hurt that's never healed. i buried my wounds and ignored them. i turned away from them while they wept. They've become so festered now that it's like this blight is eating away at me. There's not much of me left if i keep running from this. i am so scared of finally hearing myself. i am so scared to know what truly healing is...digging up these painful memories to confront will be hard. How can i lay them all to rest so i can breathe...i have to try.
i honestly think the best option may be inpatient. But holidays are near, one of the most painful times of the year. i need to tend to some things and save up money for if i do inpatient. If i could find a new therapist, a truly good one who i can get on well with, then i could try to do this outpatient. But deep down, i feel that inpatient may be the better and safer option. Despite the discomfort of it all and the sense of unease... i feel i am broken enough to need it. i need to heal the hurt behind my eyes.
"...Exhausted
And embarrassed of the way I process
Everything
It hurts to keep it in
But no one understands..."
~ i truly am embarrassed, ashamed, by how i tend to process so much. The spiders, my Demon, twist things so unnecessarily. Reading into meaning that isn't there. It causes conflict and i need to address my mind and understand why that is.
"...i won’t fight it
I’m just tired of healing
I won’t fight it I’m just tired of healing
And feeling
Like I never meant anything..."
~ i don't think i was ever properly healing all this time. i think that i wouldn't allow myself to ever feel like i meant anything either. It wasn't just how i was treated...it's how i perceived myself as well. i never let myself feel that i meant anything. i need to dig deeper to understand why i never feel i mean anything.
