Failed again

[Anicol]

I failed again. I first tried to end everything 4 months ago.<Mod Edit: Methods> I went to bed. Sometime after that, a couple hours later, I was hallucinating and I don't remember what happened but I woke up my aunt and uncle who called a crisis center. They said I needed to go to ER. I ended up in ICU for over 2 weeks with a failed liver. I hallucinated the whole first week. I was fine for a while. They didn't put me anywhere. Once out of the ICU I was transferred to another room for another 10 days. I was angry for a while because it hadn't worked. I never thought I'd try again till I found myself on the kitchen floor with a knife. <Mod Edit: Graphic> They were supposed to be sleeping. I wasn't thinking and I wasn't crying I was just done. Over not sleeping, over the nightmares, the freezing cold sweats. Always shaking and feeling like my heart is breaking, sick to my stomach, migraines. Physically I'm healthy. Mentally most days I'm locked in a dark room by choice. My family wanted me to go into a facility tonight. Through ER kept me and wanted me to go to. There were no facilities with any openings. Thank god I guess but part of me was dissapointed. Wondering if they could have helped. PTSD is killing me. I can't live like this. I'm not sorry. I want to be. Maybe in a couple weeks. I'm running out of ways to try. The first was easiest. It didn't hurt. I don't want to feel anything when I do it.

 

[Butterfly]

Hi there Anicol,

I just wanted to say welcome to SF and well done for having the courage to speak out about your thoughts and feelings, it's very brave. I am sorry to hear of your troubles, you sound like you are in a tremendous amount of pain right now. I know you said there were no openings to be admitted to a facility, but have you ever seen a psychiatrist and received regular care from a psychiatrist? I think that this should be an option you should perhaps consider if you have not already. PTSD is an extremely complex and distressing condition to live with and when the flashbacks and nightmares get bad it is frightening and you can find yourself in some very dark places. Have you ever received any therapy for your PTSD? Pills can stabilise your depression to some degree, but PTSD does require therapy if you want to overcome it. It is not easy, and it can be very painful but it has a very high success rate, especially if you find a therapist who specialises in PTSD. Some times it can take years to overcome PTSD, and some times it requires a few cycles of therapy but if you stick at it you can recover from PTSD.

I hope you continue to reach out here and find the support that you need. Big hugs, hang in there :hug:

 

[Anicol]

Thank you. Yes. I've been in and out of psychiatric care for over 10 years. Medications help some but cause other problems. I have no insurance. But do what I can with what's available. It's not easy. You are right. It's been so hard I let my ex take custody of my kids. I could barley care for myself. The guild and sadness from not having them with me gets overwhelming. I'm trying though. I really am.

Hi there Anicol,

I just wanted to say welcome to SF and well done for having the courage to speak out about your thoughts and feelings, it's very brave. I am sorry to hear of your troubles, you sound like you are in a tremendous amount of pain right now. I know you said there were no openings to be admitted to a facility, but have you ever seen a psychiatrist and received regular care from a psychiatrist? I think that this should be an option you should perhaps consider if you have not already. PTSD is an extremely complex and distressing condition to live with and when the flashbacks and nightmares get bad it is frightening and you can find yourself in some very dark places. Have you ever received any therapy for your PTSD? Pills can stabilise your depression to some degree, but PTSD does require therapy if you want to overcome it. It is not easy, and it can be very painful but it has a very high success rate, especially if you find a therapist who specialises in PTSD. Some times it can take years to overcome PTSD, and some times it requires a few cycles of therapy but if you stick at it you can recover from PTSD.

I hope you continue to reach out here and find the support that you need. Big hugs, hang in there :hug:

 

[DrownedFishOnFire]

Liver Failure? What kind of aftercare are you supposed to be doing with that issue?