I'm struggling right now. I am stuck in this cycle of despair that just re-starts every day and I have had enough and want it over, all the things keeping me from taking the next step are getting less and less worth sticking around for, if I just get it over with now, everything will stop right? I won't be around to have to deal with the aftermath ... I can be selfish just this once ...right?
I feel like such a hypocrite on this site, I tell people to hold on and keep fighting when all my fight has gone.
I am in a constant washing machine of extreme emotions. Pain, Paranoia, worry, fatigue, racing thoughts, all mashed together and spinning around and around making my life a living hell. Being able to go into a shop is what I call an achievement these days. Being able to drive back and forth to my friends house and staying for longer than 10 mins was a massive thing for me after pretty much not leaving the house for a year ... it's pathetic.
I get very little support from the professionals, I am hiding it from my family, I have a logical state of mind, where it's a logical decision, and the best decision for many reasons. I also have the impulsive state of mind, when the pain and despair gets too much, it throws all the careful planning and damage limitation out of the window, and just wants it over there and then. Suicide is not illegal, and I have full capacity so it's my decision... I know I should be able to be honest with the professionals but it doesn't seem to work that way.
I am still paying for my last impulsive decision, I try to distract myself as best I can so that I don't go there. I don't want to make anyone else suffer because of my decision, I need to be thinking clearly. I suffer in silence as no one can ever know. I want to be dead, I just want to do it when I am thinking clearly and the timing is right, not when I have gone over the edge and will do whatever to get the job done ... even though when thinking clearly I know it's pretty hard to get the job done right. I don't quite know what happens in these moments when I 'lose it' but afterwards I know how stupid I was, and frustrated that all of the research didn't matter. I have notes written just in case I cannot distract myself enough and I get the job done without the correct prep.
I don't want to hurt anyone, I hate the thought of the pain I will put my parents and family through, the pain I will put my friends through, the public inquest, the press using my story for their own agendas, the old 'friends' creeping out of the woodwork. I hate the thought of putting someone through the stress of finding me, whether professional or not. The dilemma of being found too soon... or too late and in a horrible state.
I just wish I had no-one, and enough no shits to give that I could just do it and not care about other people... and I feel myself getting closer and closer to that point.
I spend all day thinking about how much I want to be dead, and all my pain and my thoughts to be gone. I then when in times of increased pain have the intense worry that I am actually going to die. I wake up ... alive, and it starts all over again. It makes no sense, like some weird paradox. I would be lying if I said I didn't have at least a little bit of enjoyment in some parts of life ... but not enough to make this all worth it.
My thoughts are so messed up and loud, the constant headaches, I just want silence, I just want peace. I have tried so hard to keep on top of it, to try and push through it. The truth is, even if all my pain left me, my mental health is in such a state that life still would not be enjoyable for me any more. Everything is a worry, a stress, my mind goes 1000mph. The anxiety is so bad I can no longer take my pills, I can barely use the phone, I hate having to speak to people. I am constantly paranoid that I have done something wrong and someone is going to pile through my door, throw me in jail, or take my love ones and lock them away. The world scares me, how it's changing, and how everyone is so easily offended, and I am so socially awkward.
The fact that I am able to acknowledge that most of my thoughts are irrational makes it more and more frustrating. Therapy is a frustrating process for me, it's all common sense that I already know, the whole 'but what is normal?' and being told I just need to learn to manage. I need to learn to change how I process my thoughts ... I don't want to manage! I don't want to have to deal with this every day, I don't want to live my life broken. I want the old me back, even though on the whole it was pretty shitty, I was functional!
It's quite funny that the only reason I haven't given myself a bit of courage with substances is that I am too anxious to go get any. I am just sat here, in my own filth, unable to function like normal human being. Wishing that this pain would hurry up and be something major that will just take the stigma and a lot of my worries about going off my hands.
It feels like I have written a book, I could go on for hours about how messed up my head is right now (Sorry about that) I just want it to end. I just want to be not sensible for once, I just want just a tiny bit of some peoples not give a shit attitude so I can do what's best for me, and stop living for everyone else. I am broken and no one can help me. Not even sure why I have typed this out I just need some distraction and a bit of a rant right now.
I feel like such a hypocrite on this site, I tell people to hold on and keep fighting when all my fight has gone.
I am in a constant washing machine of extreme emotions. Pain, Paranoia, worry, fatigue, racing thoughts, all mashed together and spinning around and around making my life a living hell. Being able to go into a shop is what I call an achievement these days. Being able to drive back and forth to my friends house and staying for longer than 10 mins was a massive thing for me after pretty much not leaving the house for a year ... it's pathetic.
I get very little support from the professionals, I am hiding it from my family, I have a logical state of mind, where it's a logical decision, and the best decision for many reasons. I also have the impulsive state of mind, when the pain and despair gets too much, it throws all the careful planning and damage limitation out of the window, and just wants it over there and then. Suicide is not illegal, and I have full capacity so it's my decision... I know I should be able to be honest with the professionals but it doesn't seem to work that way.
I am still paying for my last impulsive decision, I try to distract myself as best I can so that I don't go there. I don't want to make anyone else suffer because of my decision, I need to be thinking clearly. I suffer in silence as no one can ever know. I want to be dead, I just want to do it when I am thinking clearly and the timing is right, not when I have gone over the edge and will do whatever to get the job done ... even though when thinking clearly I know it's pretty hard to get the job done right. I don't quite know what happens in these moments when I 'lose it' but afterwards I know how stupid I was, and frustrated that all of the research didn't matter. I have notes written just in case I cannot distract myself enough and I get the job done without the correct prep.
I don't want to hurt anyone, I hate the thought of the pain I will put my parents and family through, the pain I will put my friends through, the public inquest, the press using my story for their own agendas, the old 'friends' creeping out of the woodwork. I hate the thought of putting someone through the stress of finding me, whether professional or not. The dilemma of being found too soon... or too late and in a horrible state.
I just wish I had no-one, and enough no shits to give that I could just do it and not care about other people... and I feel myself getting closer and closer to that point.
I spend all day thinking about how much I want to be dead, and all my pain and my thoughts to be gone. I then when in times of increased pain have the intense worry that I am actually going to die. I wake up ... alive, and it starts all over again. It makes no sense, like some weird paradox. I would be lying if I said I didn't have at least a little bit of enjoyment in some parts of life ... but not enough to make this all worth it.
My thoughts are so messed up and loud, the constant headaches, I just want silence, I just want peace. I have tried so hard to keep on top of it, to try and push through it. The truth is, even if all my pain left me, my mental health is in such a state that life still would not be enjoyable for me any more. Everything is a worry, a stress, my mind goes 1000mph. The anxiety is so bad I can no longer take my pills, I can barely use the phone, I hate having to speak to people. I am constantly paranoid that I have done something wrong and someone is going to pile through my door, throw me in jail, or take my love ones and lock them away. The world scares me, how it's changing, and how everyone is so easily offended, and I am so socially awkward.
The fact that I am able to acknowledge that most of my thoughts are irrational makes it more and more frustrating. Therapy is a frustrating process for me, it's all common sense that I already know, the whole 'but what is normal?' and being told I just need to learn to manage. I need to learn to change how I process my thoughts ... I don't want to manage! I don't want to have to deal with this every day, I don't want to live my life broken. I want the old me back, even though on the whole it was pretty shitty, I was functional!
It's quite funny that the only reason I haven't given myself a bit of courage with substances is that I am too anxious to go get any. I am just sat here, in my own filth, unable to function like normal human being. Wishing that this pain would hurry up and be something major that will just take the stigma and a lot of my worries about going off my hands.
It feels like I have written a book, I could go on for hours about how messed up my head is right now (Sorry about that) I just want it to end. I just want to be not sensible for once, I just want just a tiny bit of some peoples not give a shit attitude so I can do what's best for me, and stop living for everyone else. I am broken and no one can help me. Not even sure why I have typed this out I just need some distraction and a bit of a rant right now.
s* It sucks; but it might not last forever, there might be improvement around the corner, and then if you harm yourself you might miss out on that opportunity.