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Feeling Betrayed Because of Ex-Friend

BlueKoala

Well-Known Member
#1
This is a REALLY long post. I genuinely understand if you don’t read it, no worries! I just want to get my thoughts and feelings out there. At least, out into words.

Hello, everyone. This happened a bit over a month ago (will be 2 months ago in a couple of weeks or so), and it’s been bothering me tonight yet again. This is a personal experience and I just wanted to rant, since I still feel hurt and angry (I did calm down a bit after listening to music and watching gameplay videos, though).

So, a few months ago, my friend confessed to me. Sure, I didn't want to date, but I still felt flattered. He knows that I feel repulsed but the thought of dating anyone since I was 12 — I’ve repeatedly stated that. I took his confession well, and while I said that I don’t want to date, I want to stay friends. He (seemingly) took it well, too.

One thing right off the bat that I want to mention is how I opened up to him about some aspects of my past, such as how my parents physically hurt me because of my grades and whatnot. I didn’t tell I’m everything, but I did share quite a bit. Thing is, I’m the person that would rather listen to other friends’ problems than to share my own. It’s very hard for me to open up to someone I know in real life or someone I’m friends with.

He knows about this, and yet, he used that information to try and trick me into moving into the same state he’s going to college for. The first time, I didn’t notice. When he changed the college he was going to and started hyping up that college’s state (and that college in general), and started to downplay the previous college he wanted to go to, that’s when I relaxed what he was doing. I won’t go into details, but he was trying to use information about how my parents hurt me and such to manipulate me into moving with him during college and going to that same college. It really hurt.

I opened up to this guy, I was extremely genuine and honest, and he used my past’s pain and hurt to try and he y his selfish desires realized. It sucks, to say the least. He was a close friend of mine.

With that set up, after he confessed to me, he started to push me everyday to date him, like a few days later. He even said “I’ll stop asking you to date me if you agree to go to prom with me”.

I said that sure, I can go — but I made it CRYSTAL CLEAR that we weee only going as friends. That this was completely platonic.
He still kept pushing for me to date him, but a bit less now (which means that it just wasn’t every single day from this point on).

Well, whatever, sure, I guess. I can handle this for a month or so, I thought. It was hard, but I tried to keep our friendship. I was stupid.

Prom rolls around, and it goes well. I invited my best friend as well, and for like the whole entire month leading up to prom, I was talking to all of my friend about how this other friend is excited to attend my school’s prom with all of us, and how I invited her. (Let’s call the friend who I invited as friend A). The friend who confessed to me (friend B) KNEW THAT I INVITED FRIEND A, since I told him MANY times leading up to prom in that one month window. We even talked about how we were going to prank her during prom. He absolutely, 110% knew she was gonna be there.

The next morning after prom, he texts me about how his parents are angry at me for “breaking his heart” and whatnot?? And I was, of course, EXTREMELY confused. Basically, he blamed me for “acting out of line” during prom(??) by not spending enough time with him, even though he invited me. He also said his parents were angry at me since they didn’t know that Friend A was going to be at prom as well. Well, that’s really the way I can summarize it to make sense. He started to curse me out, and insult me and my best friend, and out of sheer panic of losing Friend B, I started to apologize and beg for forgiveness.

Now, another thing I didn’t tell you about Friend B is how he openly admitted to wanting to see me angry and him and for me to curse him out. I think it’s a power thing, like a “I made you expreince such intense negative emotions” — he seems to enjoy doing that, specifically to me. His grin would grow wider everytime I’d get more annoyed or flat out angry at him, and he’s only stop or apologize after I almost blow up at him.

With that context given, he’d use my emotions later as leverage against me. He cursed out Friend A, and I didn’t want to make Friend B more angry as he was. I realized that he was being irrational, but I didn’t want to lose him as a friend (I was extremely stupid, I know. I genuinely know.), so I tried comforting Friend A and telling her how Friend B was also in the wrong.

A few days later, Friend A had a panic attack, and I comforted her and helped her get through it. At this point, I was extremely close to cut out Friend B out of my life, and was angry at him at that point (but I still thought I was in the wrong for prom for some reason??)

A few weeks after that, his “flirting” (which I blatantly told him I was uncomfortable by) turned extremely sexist and dehumanizing. I don’t want to repeat what he said, but if anyone asks in the replies, I could. It was disgusting, and I wanted to get into an argument with him, but I kept my emotions in check.

He even told me how if he wanted to, he could make my life hell by reminding me of my mistake and dangling it over my head. He was flat out trying to have control over me.

Well, all this comes to a head when his mom calls my parents a month after prom, and the truth comes to light.

Apparently, he had lied about not knowing that Friend A was going to attend the prom. Like, he flat out lied about that completely. I knew he was a big liar about things, but I didn’t think he’d go this far. He also apparently had his hopes up for some sort of romantic slow dance with me?? to which he knows I legitimately want to throw up at romantic things that include me, so I would’ve said no and felt SEVERELY uncomfortable. He KNEW, 110% just how severaly uncomfortable I was at the IDEA of anything romantic that has to do with me, even stuff like romantic hand holding. I friendly feel ill to my stomach, and he still had his hopes up for romantic things with me.

Not just that, but he also conveniently left out information about how this was going to be PURELT PLATONIC between us (and no, he absolutely did NOT just “forget”, I made sure to remind him EXTREMELY OFTEN about how this was 100% platonic). He painted a picture of how I agreed on a romantic prom date with him, and made it seem how I ditched him for Friend A.

Well, to put it lightly, I felt absolutely enraged. I felt legitimately furious. I don’t think I’ve ever felt more furious at a person I knew personally in real life before.

Now, I have a very, VERY good hold over my anger. I can even mask it really well, if I think the situation absolutely falls for it. Point is, no matter how angry I get, I still try to see the other’s point of view, and try to stay calm headed and rational, sympathetic, but also calmly stand by my points, but stay open minded. I’d say that I’m fairly good at it. I have on blown up on people with yelling and screaming out of anger a few times in my life.

However, for the next hour or so, I just angrily ranted and flat out SCREAMED about how he lied about me and my friend. He tried to make me feel worse for flat out just not wanting to date him. But more so than me, he hurt my FRIEND — when made her have a panic attack. He didn’t know about that, but I still felt enraged. His selfish actions have lead to me experiencing dread myself, hyperventilating often, and experiencing panic attacks myself. My mental health got worse, because I thought I did something awful, but all I did was hurt his ego by not wanting to go out with him.

We don’t talk anymore. I graduated high school a month ago (yay!!) and I won’t ever have to see or talk to him again. I explained the situation to Friend A immediately as I could get a hold of her (after letting her know what the subject matter was about and making sure she was okay with hearing about him), and she is feeling much better now.

I just feel so angry. He was a close friend of him for a good 6 years, and he both supported each other through hard times. We were in a semi similar situation with our families, and he basically relied on each other for support. It just hurts SO badly that he had to lie to me, about me, and about my other friend. I thought I could trust this guy, but apparently not. I expected him to care about me as a friend — as at least a PERSON. But he disregarded my boundaries so many times that it’s insane. I didn’t want to break it off, since I held onto the miniscule chance that he’ll come around to actually caring about me as a friend again, as more than just an “option on a dating sim he thinks is really cute” (that’s exactly what it felt like).

If you’ve read this far, thank you so, so much. This was really long, but I just wanted to rant. There’s some details I’m leaving out (mostly due to how long it has gotten already), but I’m glad you’ve read it if you’ve come this far. I’m sorry it’s
 

Acy

Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense
Admin
SF Supporter
#2
Hi @BlueKoala — Wow. That’s a complicated situation! I cannot say for sure, but I suspect your friend B (whom you’ve known for a long time) was having trouble coming to terms with your lack of romantic interest in him. Some people can handle it and some cannot. From his point of view, he had developed romantic feelings for you and was trying to find a way to convince you that he’s the right guy for you. I think his approach is immature…but you do say it was high school prom and off to first year of college, so he’s not really a fully mature man yet.

My question for you: Are you sure you want or hope to remain friends with someone who tried to manipulate you, lied about you to his parents, and then they called your family? No matter what his reasons, it was not fair to you. You say that you made your boundaries very clear to him. A friend doesn’t willfully cross those boundaries over and over.

I get that it hurts because you’ve known each other for so long and have a lot of history. On the other hand, if he cannot see and respect your needs and boundaries, does the history matter anymore?

If he has time to cool off, reflect, and perhaps reconsider his behaviour and he apologizes, maybe there is a chance for a return to a good, sound friendship. If he cannot, are you better off just letting go or holding on to the past and to the hope that he’ll change back?

I cannot make those decisions for you, and only time will tell what he does.

I hope you can find a way to keep moving on with your life, regardless of this very upsetting incident. Take care of yourself!
 

seabird

meandering home
SF Supporter
#3
People who use the phrase, "I could make your life hell," are not likely to care about you in any healthy kind of way. That exact phrase was uttered by an abusive person in my past. It sums up their modus operandi; they need power over others & don't care how they acquire it. In fact they seemed to get a kick from damage inflicted on me & others. There are some people who it is best to turn & walk away from once & for all.
There are also nice, decent folks in the world.

*hug

- s
 
#4
@BlueKoala I'm so sorry about what you've gone through. I think it's good you aren't in touch with him right now. I think his actions and the things he said are deeply concerning. Like seabird said, his statement that "I could make your life hell" is a nasty threat.

What I really suggest is that you take a small amount of time (say a few hours) and look up signs of an abusive relationship - and see if any of his behaviours over the years fit the pattern. For instance, has he said bad things to your other friends about you, or bad things about them to you? I got the lists below just by Googling, but there's much more out there.

Signs of Emotional Abuse
  • They are Hyper-Critical or Judgmental Towards You. ...
  • They Ignore Boundaries or Invade Your Privacy. ...
  • They are Possessive and/or Controlling. ...
  • They are Manipulative. ...
  • They Often Dismiss You and Your Feelings.
Signs of gaslighting:
  • insist you said or did things you know you didn't do.
  • deny or scoff at your recollection of events.
  • call you “too sensitive” or “crazy” when you express your needs or concerns.
  • express doubts to others about your feelings, behavior, and state of mind.
  • twisting or retelling events to shift blame to you.

I also suggest you look up the Dark Triad personality traits (refers to personality disorders of Narcissism, Machiavellianism and Psychopathy) and see if you think he has any of them. Of course you cannot diagnose him, but if he has these traits it's generally a good sign you should stay away!!! Personality disorders tend to last someone's whole life and are resistant to change.

Best of luck to you. I've had to end friendships and it is never easy. But unless his recent behaviour was really out of character for him, it seems like you should stay away.
 

BlueKoala

Well-Known Member
#5
Hi @BlueKoala — Wow. That’s a complicated situation! I cannot say for sure, but I suspect your friend B (whom you’ve known for a long time) was having trouble coming to terms with your lack of romantic interest in him. Some people can handle it and some cannot. From his point of view, he had developed romantic feelings for you and was trying to find a way to convince you that he’s the right guy for you. I think his approach is immature…but you do say it was high school prom and off to first year of college, so he’s not really a fully mature man yet.

My question for you: Are you sure you want or hope to remain friends with someone who tried to manipulate you, lied about you to his parents, and then they called your family? No matter what his reasons, it was not fair to you. You say that you made your boundaries very clear to him. A friend doesn’t willfully cross those boundaries over and over.

I get that it hurts because you’ve known each other for so long and have a lot of history. On the other hand, if he cannot see and respect your needs and boundaries, does the history matter anymore?

If he has time to cool off, reflect, and perhaps reconsider his behaviour and he apologizes, maybe there is a chance for a return to a good, sound friendship. If he cannot, are you better off just letting go or holding on to the past and to the hope that he’ll change back?

I cannot make those decisions for you, and only time will tell what he does.

I hope you can find a way to keep moving on with your life, regardless of this very upsetting incident. Take care of yourself!
Thank you so much! Sorry for the late response.

I actually decided to stop being friends with him for good. The night when I got the phone call from his mom and his lies came to light — I realized how he wasn’t a good friend at all and hurt me. I think he wanted me to text back how I still want to be friends, because that’s exactly what happened everytime he hurt my feelings in the past. I’d explain how he just needs to be considerate for others, especially his friends, and we’d have a long talk and I’d forgive him. It happened each time. I just can’t do it anymore. It feels like he’s not trying to change — it feels like he just gets more and more inconsiderate towards me.

I only wish the best for him, truly, but that includes for him to become a better friend. It just hurts so much to lose someone I trusted and thought was honest with me. I tried to be so considerate towards him, which he noticed, but instead of extending the same to me, he just figuratively spit in my face.
 

BlueKoala

Well-Known Member
#6
People who use the phrase, "I could make your life hell," are not likely to care about you in any healthy kind of way. That exact phrase was uttered by an abusive person in my past. It sums up their modus operandi; they need power over others & don't care how they acquire it. In fact they seemed to get a kick from damage inflicted on me & others. There are some people who it is best to turn & walk away from once & for all.
There are also nice, decent folks in the world.

*hug

- s
Thank you! Sorry for the late response.

I remember hearing him utter those words out and that’s actually what I thought — that he just wanted to hold his power over my head. It felt extremely wrong. He had seemed to want to see me lose my cool when he didn’t get what he wanted from me in the past.
 

BlueKoala

Well-Known Member
#7
@BlueKoala I'm so sorry about what you've gone through. I think it's good you aren't in touch with him right now. I think his actions and the things he said are deeply concerning. Like seabird said, his statement that "I could make your life hell" is a nasty threat.

What I really suggest is that you take a small amount of time (say a few hours) and look up signs of an abusive relationship - and see if any of his behaviours over the years fit the pattern. For instance, has he said bad things to your other friends about you, or bad things about them to you? I got the lists below just by Googling, but there's much more out there.

Signs of Emotional Abuse
  • They are Hyper-Critical or Judgmental Towards You. ...
  • They Ignore Boundaries or Invade Your Privacy. ...
  • They are Possessive and/or Controlling. ...
  • They are Manipulative. ...
  • They Often Dismiss You and Your Feelings.
Signs of gaslighting:
  • insist you said or did things you know you didn't do.
  • deny or scoff at your recollection of events.
  • call you “too sensitive” or “crazy” when you express your needs or concerns.
  • express doubts to others about your feelings, behavior, and state of mind.
  • twisting or retelling events to shift blame to you.

I also suggest you look up the Dark Triad personality traits (refers to personality disorders of Narcissism, Machiavellianism and Psychopathy) and see if you think he has any of them. Of course you cannot diagnose him, but if he has these traits it's generally a good sign you should stay away!!! Personality disorders tend to last someone's whole life and are resistant to change.

Best of luck to you. I've had to end friendships and it is never easy. But unless his recent behaviour was really out of character for him, it seems like you should stay away.
Thank you so much! Sorry for the late reply.

Thank you for telling me about this. I’m genuinely shocked with how some of these fit the description.

He would try to lie to others to make me seem like a bad person, just because he wanted to avoid the responsibility of his actions, despite him saying how “he loved me”. He would try to randomly insult me?? But, like, with no context and not even in a joking way. He’d only say “it was a joke” after I asked him why he would randomly insult me.

He disregarded my boundaries intensely (text level) many, MANY times. He wouldn’t take me seriously whenever I was mad or upset until I was on the verge of yelling at him (which takes a lot for people to get me to such a level).

He flat out said how he’d like to have a lot of control over someone. He lied and manipulated me, and tried to use my personal information from when I vented to him to make me move to another state with him.

There’s more, but I’m just listing a few things here. I don’t know how I didn’t realize how I needed to cut him out of my life, I feel so incredibly stupid. I know I’m not, not in this situation, since I am just an inexperienced teenager who has never dealt with something like this before. I just…I just wish I could have cut him out of my life before I got hurt this badly. I feel really betrayed. I really thought he could be a friend I could trust, I just hoped so, SO much. I was considerate, and patient, and caring, and honest. I tried to be the best friend I could be, and he noticed and even said how I am a great friend.

He never tried to become a better friend. He’d just have the same old “oh, I know I’m a jerk (sad face)” reaction whenever you called him out. He would run away from the problem and from character growth instead of confronting it and become a better person. I tried to help, countless hours, trying to help him. But he just pretended to care and backstabbed me by lying and trying to make HIM seem like a victim and ME like the one who was at fault. It’s just so much emotional salt on my wound that I feel the cut even now. All of my help, all of it, he didn’t even CONSIDER how I’d feel before lying so much about me and my best friend. After me trying to be someone who is open and honest and caring, it just hurts a lot that I couldn’t even get him to be honest and take responsibility for his actions.

sorry for the rant there, I just am really hurt by all of this, even now. I’m sure I’ll be over this in the future, but it’s still really painful right now.
 

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