Feeling like scum

[Disgustedwithmyself]

i have a wonderful marriage with my wife, but i have disappointed her greatly with my financial choices and fear that the hurt i caused her is irreversible.

i don’t know why i did it. i did not think. i have a good job, a college degree and a family who very much loves me. my parents are still together.

we fell in love immediately after meeting 10 years ago and we truly do have a perfect relationship. we see each other eye-to-eye on almost everything. there is no effort. no major conflicts. we can't wait to be in each other's company and genuinely enjoy being with one another. in short, we just work.

there was simply no need to do what i did. it wasn't out of malice or out of intent to deceive. i am not that person. though, i have stopped cold turkey as of a month ago. that spiral turned me into a blithering irresponsible adult, a huge disappointment to her and my family, but i think it may be too late.

it breaks my heart to think about the things i did for the hurt that it causes my wife is potentially irreversible. i will never forgive myself for hurting her, for taking us for granted. it's a huge betrayal and the guilt is just too much to bear. i cry constantly because i know i hurt her and she doesn’t deserve it. she however deserves all the integrity in the world. she is brilliant, smart, driven, beautiful, honest, in every way and i don’t deserve to be with her.

i do not think life without her is worth living. i am inherently not a bad person but think i need mental help. i think i have failed. love like this occurs only once and i have simply failed it.

because of that, I am suicidal at the moment but i know I won't do anything. She loves me undeniably and i dont want to put yet another hurt on her.

Scummy. I'm just scummy. No other way to describe it.

 

[Human Ex Machinae]

What did you do?

 

[Disgustedwithmyself]

Impulsively got into some unneeded dbt. It will get paid off with time but the guilt is just too much to bear. It's a Complete betrayal of trust and is unforgivable. Most couples hate each other but not us. I can't see myself being with anyone else for the rest of my life. She feels the same. Tears on my face as i write this

 

[dtc]

You will get through this. The fact it hurt you so much shows you care deeply about her and your relationship, and that's something that's worth working for.

I'm assuming you have full control over your finances, maybe you need to open all that up to her so she can see where things are at and work through a plan together.

 

[Disgustedwithmyself]

Thank you for the response dtc

Looking back, I can't find a valid reason for having done what I did. I have a job I love which pays above average. How many people can say that honestly? It's always one or the other, but never both.

It's not like I was struggling. I guess I was a bit greedy, looking to make more and it backfired.

Thank you for the support. I haven't been sleeping all that well lately and talking it through helps, even if it is with strangers.

I really consider myself one of the lucky ones. Soulmate, job I love, total happiness. Until now. I have always been an optimist, but now I just don't know. And it's all my fault.

 

[dtc]

Sounds like you're being pretty hard on yourself @Disgustedwithmyself , you took a shot, in hindsight maybe it's one you shouldn't have take but I bet if you went back and looked at all the other chances you've taken, the ones that worked and got you where you are now, you'd probably find a couple that if they hadn't worked, you'd probably would have thought the same about them as you do about this.

But guess what, they got you to what sounds like a pretty good life, so on balance were worth it.

You failed, it happens to everyone, what matters is how you deal with it. Don't hide it, or how it's making you feel, from those you love, let them help you, give yourself time to work through this, know you will feel lousy for a while and that's fine, you will get through it, together.

Take care

 

[Rebreb]

There's someone else on here who had a similar thing... Her husband working overseas, she is in finance and successful, and then did some stupid things. She was at the edge. By talking with everyone here she finally decided to speak with her husband and they are working it out.

Things can become okay. We make mistakes.

I had an awesome life and I did some really stupid things but without the advantage of a partner to work things through with. Now I'm on my own in the aftermath. If you can salvage things, do it.

 

[Rebreb]

https://www.suicideforum.com/community/threads/suicidal-over-debt.134524/#post-1548344

 

[Disgustedwithmyself]

Thank you for that. Similar situation with me, but no kids. The guilt I'm feeling is immense, but if we had kids it would be even greater. I don't even want to think about it.

 

[Rebreb]

What has her reaction been to all this?

 

[Disgustedwithmyself]

I haven't found the courage to tell her yet, sadly

 

[Rebreb]

Oh I see. So your situation is very similar to the other one. Read the comments on it, I think they all apply to you also. Your wife loves you, your relationship has been good because of the effort and commitment you have had for each other. This happened. You will process it and figure it out. You didn't do it to hurt her intentionally.

Hope you can find the courage to allow her to come to her own conclusion about this. Your life is worth more than any money.

 

[Lara_C]

Impulsively got into some unneeded dbt. It will get paid off with time but the guilt is just too much to bear. It's a Complete betrayal of trust and is unforgivable. Most couples hate each other but not us. I can't see myself being with anyone else for the rest of my life. She feels the same. Tears on my face as i write this

All you have done is proven you're not perfect and make mistakes like everyone else on the planet. Your remorse is clearly genuine, so once you have confessed to your wife, learn from the experience and move on. If she loves you as you say, she will appreciate your honesty and forgive you, and your relationship will move from strength to strength. Please trust her.

 

[Rebreb]

Hey I read your poetry, it's very beautiful. Hoping you can find some peace with this.

 

[Disgustedwithmyself]

Thanks. Eating me alive

 

[Disgustedwithmyself]

The thing is, I really should have known better. I'm a normal person with an above average education. I knew the risks and the stupidity associated with what I did, but I did it anyway.

She's got a very strict fiscal philosophy, and that's one of the things I love about her. My father is the same way, and so I would not only be disappointing the one true love of my life, but my father as well.

I can already predict the reactions, hence the fear. I don't want to lie to her nor him, and at the same time I am so so scared of losing their trust, especially her trust, by confessing.

It's agonizing.

 

[dtc]

It is agonising, but if deep down you know that you will need to let it all out to them at some stage, then you are better off doing it sooner rather than later. Not only will it seem worse to them the longer you leave it, it will also drag out what you're currently feeling.

 

[may71]

I really consider myself one of the lucky ones. Soulmate, job I love, total happiness. Until now. I have always been an optimist, but now I just don't know

Please believe in her enough to tell her. Every marriage runs into a rough spot eventually. This is something that you can work out with her.

I haven't found the courage to tell her yet, sadly

As was the case with Macko in the link that @Rebreb posted, once you are able to tell her what's going on, she'll probably be willing to work this out, and you'll feel better as soon as you are able to give her the news.

Breaking bad news to someone can be hard, but doing it via email or other written form can make it easier.

It sounds like she loves you enough that your marriage to her and your life are way more important to her than a little debt. Please just tell her

 

[Roxi Havok]

We all make mistakes.

It sounds like your marriage is good and if you have good communication you will get through this. Seems like you have strong foundations in your marriage so if you just tell her how you told us. How you regret it and will work hard to pay it off, any reasonable person wilforgive you.

 

[Roxi Havok]

Oops I prematurely pressed post. I think honesty is so very important in a relationship. The more you delay telling her the harder it will be for both of you. Like I said we all make mistakes and we do stupid things without thinking. Hiding it from her just delays the inevitable. Plus she may be willing to even help you or if you say you need mental help she can support you and see that you are trying to rectify the mistake and prevent it from happening again.