Feeling overwhelmed.

[Daniel Taylor]

Hey! I hope everyone is well!

It's been quite a while since I have posted on here. I thought I had gotten a handle on this. Although, at this point, I really couldn't tell you if that's just what I've been telling myself. Maybe I was just successfully running from it for a while. I don't really know what I want to gain from sharing. Maybe just venting will help. But here goes.

At this exact point in time at 00:48 on 04/07/2018 I am the lowest I have ever felt whilst being completely sober. To try to describe exactly how I feel right at this moment, It's difficult to know exactly where to start. But if I had to chose one word I would say I feel terrified. Completely and utterly terrified. My palms are sweating, I am shaking, my head is spinning and I feel sick to my stomach. What am I so afraid of? I am terrified of how deeply and overwhelmingly alone I feel. Every day of my life. It never yields. Not any more. Not even for a second. I really don't know how to cope anymore.

I have always had problems with loneliness for most of my life. It's just a fact of life when you have ruled out the idea of a romantic relationship ever being a part of your life. I tried to fill the gap by getting as close to my friends as I could. It worked for a while! But it seems close friendship is something you just age-out of eventually. All of my friends are in long term relationships at this point so I don't really have anyone left anymore. In fact, I don't think I have felt at all connected to anyone for a quite few years at this point.

When I last posted on here. I felt like I was fighting a losing battle. At this point I feel like I have lost. I think it has already beaten me. I don't have any fight left in me anymore. I just want to rest. I feel like I'm circling the drain mentally. There is always so much going on in my head all the time that allot of the time I can hardly think straight. I end up talking to myself frequently without even realizing. I'll start having the conversations in my head out loud. Alone in my room or sat at my desk at work.

I have taken this week as annual-leave at work because, for the last few weeks/months, I have been really struggling to face each day more and more. I'm hoping maybe some rest will help me clear my head at least a little. Here's to hoping.

I really don't know what to do. I cant keep going on feeling like this. But it just never seems to stop. I feel so empty. So lost. I so desperately wish someone could help me. But in my experience that kind of help doesn't really exist. Not that I blame anyone else for that! It is all my own doing. There is only no help available because I haven't earned it from anybody. Maybe I'm just not capable of mattering enough.

All I know is that it seems I'm going to be alone now for the rest of my life. I need to find some way of being okay with that. If I can't then I'm pretty sure it's going to kill me.

 

[Fairlady300zx]

I know extaly how you feel

 

[Daniel Taylor]

I just... I spent so much time telling my self that it's all in my head. But it's real. Their really is no one out there for me. I'm never going to have anyone in my life again. No one fighting in my corner. Nobody will ever have my back. I'll always have to face everything by myself. That leaves me looking for an answer; What am I working toward in life? If having anyone to share it with is out of the question.

 

[Human Ex Machinae]

@Daniel Taylor it can be really nice to be in a relationship, but not being in one doesn't kill anybody. The funny thing about life is that you might meet someone tomorrow, start a relationship, and then 2 years later be reporting that the relationship is killing you. When people overcome a problem or an obstacle in their lives, they don't freeze and the credits don't start rolling. All people do is then move on to identifying new challenges and problems that need to be overcome. Life isn't about obtaining any one single goal. It's about learning and growing.

 

[Daniel Taylor]

@Daniel Taylor it can be really nice to be in a relationship, but not being in one doesn't kill anybody. The funny thing about life is that you might meet someone tomorrow, start a relationship, and then 2 years later be reporting that the relationship is killing you. When people overcome a problem or an obstacle in their lives, they don't freeze and the credits don't start rolling. All people do is then move on to identifying new challenges and problems that need to be overcome. Life isn't about obtaining any one single goal. It's about learning and growing.

Yeah, I understand this! ^^ I'm not talking romantic relationship here. When I say alone, I don't mean single. It wouldn't be so bad if it was just that. I used to get by just fine! I mean actually alone. No friends that are still around and family that makes me feel like the smallest person in the world whenever I'm around them.

I know this isn't the case for everybody. I myself have always been there for my friends whenever they even remotely needed it. And I always will be. I love them all dearly. Even though when I reached out to them for help the response was a variety of "no"s and "you should learn to deal with it yourself"s. I found it crushing at first. But, over time I learned to accept that I just haven't earned help from these people. Or I just don't deserve it. Either way. It's on me.

 

[Human Ex Machinae]

The process of meeting people and making friends doesn't only last a certain, finite amount of time. The set of friends a person makes while growing up and becoming an adult don't have to last a lifetime. People's lives move on and take different trajectories and they fall out of touch. That isn't a reflection on you, it's just how life is. How did you meet these people and become friends with them? It happened because you went somewhere and did something, like going to school, or a job, or a bar, whatever. That's how people make new friends. They have to go somewhere, get involved in something. And then be open and receptive to beginning new friendships with the people they encounter in those places, while doing those things.

 

[Walker]

Sorry you're feeling so bad right now. You've been here a while but don't post much yet you must realize that we're all here whenever you need us. It sucks to make it to the place you're at but it also sounds like you've been in some pretty bad places before. You've stepped out of those places and have breached out the other side. Hang in there, ok?

 

[Daniel Taylor]

The process of meeting people and making friends doesn't only last a certain, finite amount of time. The set of friends a person makes while growing up and becoming an adult don't have to last a lifetime. People's lives move on and take different trajectories and they fall out of touch. That isn't a reflection on you, it's just how life is. How did you meet these people and become friends with them? It happened because you went somewhere and did something, like going to school, or a job, or a bar, whatever. That's how people make new friends. They have to go somewhere, get involved in something. And then be open and receptive to beginning new friendships with the people they encounter in those places, while doing those things.

All very true. At the moment I just really hope I can find some way of being happy by myself. I really hate how dependent my mental well-being seems to be on the company of others. It must make me such a burden to anyone I do end up getting close to. Aswell as what you said, these connections can't ever last. So becoming dependent on them is a recipe for disaster. I know I need to get better at looking out for myself. I just don't know how I would do that or what that would even mean. I do need to get better at being around and being open to new people as well. Which is generally quite difficult for me as i find most situations that allow you to meet new people involve being around large groups of them. I kinda struggle to be seen or heard in groups. I guess i tend to be a bit of a pushover socially. More recently I am pretty sure the state of depression I have ended up putting myself in is making it allot more difficult to meet new people on top of that. I've generally found people are put off getting to know someone who seems unhappy. It's an unattractive quality essentially. I think people perceive it as a 'boring' quality. So until I can find some way of being happy by myself I just don't see much likelihood of attracting any new social connections in to my life. I could get lucky I guess. But I just don't see the odds as being high enough that its something I should ever count on.

Sorry you're feeling so bad right now. You've been here a while but don't post much yet you must realize that we're all here whenever you need us. It sucks to make it to the place you're at but it also sounds like you've been in some pretty bad places before. You've stepped out of those places and have breached out the other side. Hang in there, ok?

Yeah, I guess while i was feeling somewhat human I tried to steer clear of the subject. Or anything that reminded me of it. Maybe that was my mistake. Running when I should have faced it, haha. Thank you for your kind words.

 

[Innocent Forever]

Sending strength your way..

 

[Paul1234]

The best thing you can do is to accept that you don’t need anyone to be happy. At least it’s what I’ve done.

I don’t look for emotional validation from others. If people want to connect with me then they can/will. If they don’t want to, then they won’t.

Regardless be happy just being by yourself. Knowing that you in & of yourself are good enough for you. Maybe not for others but good enough for you.