Feeling so ashamed
- Thread starter Rockclimbinggirl
- Start date
- Tags abuse suicidal thoughts
s*
@Rockclimbinggirl,
I'm really sorry you're going through this. I know what it is to feel that you're drowning in shame from abuse. The thing is, the shame belongs to the abuser, not you. He probably said or implied it was your fault, yes? That message tends to stick with people--but it belongs to the abuser. Maybe it's just what happened that shames you, but that, too, you weren't responsible for.
I'm sure you know what victim-blaming is and that you are appalled by it. The thing is, feeling shame in a case like yours is a kind of victim-blaming, too, only you're doing it to yourself. Don't. You absolutely don't deserve it.
Easier said than done, I know. But there is a way. Buddhists point out that our thoughts are like seeds in a garden. The ones we water grow. The ones we don't water sink into the ground and stay dormant. So the trick is to water the right seeds. Instead of focusing on memories that evoke shame and self-disgust, focus on memories and thoughts that show who you really are, beyond the abuse.
Your moniker tells me you're a rock climber. That's really cool! Already I know that you're athletic and courageous and that you love nature. Ask yourself what else you like about yourself. Have you ever shown kindness and compassion and helped anyone out? (From your responses to this forum, it's clear that the answer is yes.) Have you ever achieved something that matters to you? Learned a skill that you value? Done something you're proud of?
If you feel uneasy with what you've done already, think about what you'd like to do. In a perfect world, what sort of a life would you like to be living? Who would you be? What would you stand for? What would you be learning and doing and creating? Now, use that image to decide what steps you can take in that direction. The world isn't perfect, nor is life, but you can work to make it closer to what you would like.
Doing these things will water the right seeds in your garden and turn them into flowers. Taking your attention away from the abuse will make those memories shrink, little by little, and begin to lose power. It will take time, but it will happen. By paying attention to the right things, you'll feel you have a much stronger, happier, healthier identity, and you won't feel controlled anymore by the past.
I know how hard this is. I know how intrusive those memories can be, especially if you have PTSD. I know how easily they can get triggered. But what I'm saying still holds. Keep watering the seeds of the things you want to have in your life, and they will appear. Eventually, they will start to crowd out the rest. You will become less afraid of your past, and that in itself will start to free you.
Hugs,
JCQ
I'm really sorry you're going through this. I know what it is to feel that you're drowning in shame from abuse. The thing is, the shame belongs to the abuser, not you. He probably said or implied it was your fault, yes? That message tends to stick with people--but it belongs to the abuser. Maybe it's just what happened that shames you, but that, too, you weren't responsible for.
I'm sure you know what victim-blaming is and that you are appalled by it. The thing is, feeling shame in a case like yours is a kind of victim-blaming, too, only you're doing it to yourself. Don't. You absolutely don't deserve it.
Easier said than done, I know. But there is a way. Buddhists point out that our thoughts are like seeds in a garden. The ones we water grow. The ones we don't water sink into the ground and stay dormant. So the trick is to water the right seeds. Instead of focusing on memories that evoke shame and self-disgust, focus on memories and thoughts that show who you really are, beyond the abuse.
Your moniker tells me you're a rock climber. That's really cool! Already I know that you're athletic and courageous and that you love nature. Ask yourself what else you like about yourself. Have you ever shown kindness and compassion and helped anyone out? (From your responses to this forum, it's clear that the answer is yes.) Have you ever achieved something that matters to you? Learned a skill that you value? Done something you're proud of?
If you feel uneasy with what you've done already, think about what you'd like to do. In a perfect world, what sort of a life would you like to be living? Who would you be? What would you stand for? What would you be learning and doing and creating? Now, use that image to decide what steps you can take in that direction. The world isn't perfect, nor is life, but you can work to make it closer to what you would like.
Doing these things will water the right seeds in your garden and turn them into flowers. Taking your attention away from the abuse will make those memories shrink, little by little, and begin to lose power. It will take time, but it will happen. By paying attention to the right things, you'll feel you have a much stronger, happier, healthier identity, and you won't feel controlled anymore by the past.
I know how hard this is. I know how intrusive those memories can be, especially if you have PTSD. I know how easily they can get triggered. But what I'm saying still holds. Keep watering the seeds of the things you want to have in your life, and they will appear. Eventually, they will start to crowd out the rest. You will become less afraid of your past, and that in itself will start to free you.
Hugs,
JCQ
Sorry I missed this thread somehow. How are you feeling today hun? Hopefully an improvement from Monday, if not we are here to help you out just like you have always been there for many of us. You're a wonderful kind hearted woman, you don't deserve these intrusive thoughts. Maybe distracting yourself with something like rock climbing or visit a peaceful place an write your thoughts out. How is the peer to peer support group fairing out? We absolutely heart you here and you're amazing. Do not let these thoughts get in the way of you getting better, you are stronger than that.
@Rockclimbinggirl Get a nap in your day if you can. Busy is good, keeps the mind occupied. I think you are doing fantastic, glad the pee support group is working out for you too.
