Five months since my husband died

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by Evanesce, Dec 5, 2013.

  1. Evanesce

    Evanesce Well-Known Member

    I met my husband just over five years ago. We connected in a way I thought would never happen for me. I was 35, and not looking for any sort of relationship. I had in a sense given up on life. He accepted me for who I was and I accepted him the same. If you like we were two broken halves with broken edges that perfectly matched to make a whole. He was the kindest, most humble person that I have ever know, and with his help I healed from my life and got better. I went into remission for four years from self harm and suicide attempts. We started a life together and supported each other and I felt loved. Truly loved. I had never felt loved before I met him, not even growing up as a child.
    The beginning of this year he got sick, and was diagnosed with prostate cancer. Within two weeks he was too far gone for the doctors to be able to help and so the journey to his death began. From February until 5th July this year I cared for my husband as I watched the disease take him from me. He became less the man I married and more the disease. He was bedridden early May and I gave him round the clock care. I watched him become just like those men that came out of the concentration camps. All through that he was gracious, only once in our life together did he ever push me away or raise his hand and I know that was the medications and the disease, not the man I loved.
    It seemed to take so long. At one stage he got a leg infection and I got told there was nothing they could do and the decision was made to stop active treatment. The doctors told me he would only likely last 2 days, seven at the mostly. But weeks later I took him home with me to die. Six long weeks after that he was in his final days. Not able to eat for weeks, and finally unable to drink or even suck fluid. Two days before his death, he uttered his finally words. He told me he loved me. Those words hurt so much now that i'm alone. On his final two days I spent hours with him, I sung to him hours on end. Knowing it was the last time I would be able to spend any time with him. On Friday the 5th of July at 2:50pm I knew it was time and so I turned off the music and I stopped singing. At 3:01pm he drew his final breath. I was alone.
    Now my broken heart is not complete. My remission is broken and I am sick once again. I miss him so much but I am struggling to find a way to hang on without the part that completes me.
    R.I.P. My love David Wootton I won't ever forget you, no matter how much it hurts
     
  2. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    Aww... thats so sad but yet so sweet. It tears at me, because I can see and understand how you feel and yet I'm not sure how to reach out to you and comfort you. I know I can never take that pain away. I know it will never go away... but I want to ease the sharpness of it for you. David was one of the luckiest people to have found you and to have had the chance to share love with you. I'm not saying that to be weird sounding or etc... I'm saying it because its a rare quality to have someone that will put their own pain aside to ease the pain of another, especially when that person is the one they love. You did that for David.. he knew how much you love him, because there is no way he could not have known how much it hurt you to see him fading away and yet, you were there by his side, easing his pain... that means more than you may know and it shows love in a way that many cannot express or show. The fact that the two of you had each other for any amount of time is wonderful... can you imagine what your life would have been if you had never met him? Yes, you would have never known the pain you know now... but would you be willing to make that trade knowing that you would never have got to feel the love he gave you, the happiness that you shared, or the laughter you shared? Those are moments to be treasured...especially for people like us that suffer depression. I am sure if the choice had been up to him, he would be standing by your side right now... holding you close, hugging you, loving you. He would be carrying you on those days that you could not face the day.. and he would lift you up each time you stumbled. He would tell you how loved you are and what an awesome person you are. He would let you know that no matter what pain you are going through, he will be there to take it away. That's exactly what you did for him. Now its time to let the pains you took on for him... go. Live in the happiness he gave you. The laughter. The love.... leave the pain behind. I know that isn't easy. I'm not saying it will be... but just cling to the memories of his goodness.. the memories of the happiness he gave you, the love, the laughter. What's the silliest thing you can remember him doing? What was the thing he said/did that made you so happy you forgot what sadness was for that moment in time? What things did he do and say each and everyday (before his sickness) to let you know how much he loved you? How did he try to let you know how much he loved you even while he was sick? Think on those things... then figure out little ways to remind yourself of those things everyday. Maybe, for example... there was a candle that was glowing in the background when he said/did something to make you feel loved... light that candle again and remember his love.. .or maybe he would make a certain goofy face just to make you smile/laugh... go to the mirror and make that same face at yourself. Maybe he he had a certain TV show he would watch all the time with you ... watch that show and grab a pillow to cuddle up against the way you cuddled against him, and just remember the feelings of closeness you shared in those times. Find little ways to celebrate his life, and his love for you... ways to remind you of his love. I believe that even though our bodies pass away, our love for on another never does, that carries on... his love for you is still there... nobody and nothing, not even death, can take that away... you just have to find it in different ways now.
     
  3. Aulm

    Aulm New Member

    Fleurise,

    My thoughts and heart goes out to you. Thank you for sharing the beauty of your relationship, there are people that help us to heal. I am also sorry for
    your loss. I understand the pain of that and how difficult it is to carry on sometimes. I hope in time that you will feel he is still with you just in a different
    way. It all takes time and this is a good reminder for me because there are just some days that feel awful and then there are some days I feel a little peace.
    I hope you find peace and gentleness within your heart.
     
  4. Evanesce

    Evanesce Well-Known Member

    Not a day goes by when I don't think of you. Slowly I'm starting to allow myself to remember the good times we had together. It still hurts so much because I still see what was left of the man I loved. The images I have of your final days haunt my sleep. I can only hope that the positive memories will slowly resurface and replace those images. I will always hold you dear in my heart.