Friends

[bag_of_struggles]

My friend is a jerk. She is dating a jerk. They are both my friends. I realized I can tolerate her boyfriend because I don’t hold him to the same standard I do her. She is supposed to be my best friend. She is supposed to care and love me. When her boyfriend acts like a dick I just disengage it as him being him. I can’t do the same for her. We are supposed to be best friends. She is supposed to love me. But I’ve realized I have to hold her to the same standard as him. I have to let her bad behavior go. Or else I can’t be her friend anymore. And I wanna be friends. We are both friend married. I guess I just expected better from her and she continually screams at me and disappoints me. It shouldn’t be this way. But if I wanna continue being her friend I have had to realize that she is a jerk and when she is being one to me I have to disengage in the same way I do with her boyfriend (who is also a friend of mine). I just lover her, I wanted better. Maybe that’s unfair... She is just so mean to me these days...

 

[johnDoen]

My friend is a jerk. She is dating a jerk. They are both my friends. I realized I can tolerate her boyfriend because I don’t hold him to the same standard I do her. She is supposed to be my best friend. She is supposed to care and love me. When her boyfriend acts like a dick I just disengage it as him being him. I can’t do the same for her. We are supposed to be best friends. She is supposed to love me. But I’ve realized I have to hold her to the same standard as him. I have to let her bad behavior go. Or else I can’t be her friend anymore. And I wanna be friends. We are both friend married. I guess I just expected better from her and she continually screams at me and disappoints me. It shouldn’t be this way. But if I wanna continue being her friend I have had to realize that she is a jerk and when she is being one to me I have to disengage in the same way I do with her boyfriend (who is also a friend of mine). I just lover her, I wanted better. Maybe that’s unfair... She is just so mean to me these days...

I feel like you should avoid them both altogether. There is no guarantee that she nor her boyfriend would change for your sake nor do anything at your expectations.

It's probably a good time now to just leave them to find yourself an independent happiness, with just yourself being happy alone.

 

[foreverforgotten]

It sounds to me like he is influencing her...love makes you do stupid things.. If it were me, I would just try to not take it personal, and take a few steps back and just observe. (Depends on jow toxic it gets for you, if its too much to handle, its okay to distance) Maybe with time she will realize and mature up. But she might not.

but you have to be okay with either scenario. I know it hurts alot... I am sorry... my old best friend, this is what happened to us. She never went back to the old her..and that's okay. It hurt. Alot. Im not saying your situation will play out like that.
time is what it takes.. be gentle with yourself. Dont take her antics to heart.
You are both valid in your feelings.

 

[Daphna]

My friend is a jerk. She is dating a jerk. They are both my friends. I realized I can tolerate her boyfriend because I don’t hold him to the same standard I do her. She is supposed to be my best friend. She is supposed to care and love me. When her boyfriend acts like a dick I just disengage it as him being him. I can’t do the same for her. We are supposed to be best friends. She is supposed to love me. But I’ve realized I have to hold her to the same standard as him. I have to let her bad behavior go. Or else I can’t be her friend anymore. And I wanna be friends. We are both friend married. I guess I just expected better from her and she continually screams at me and disappoints me. It shouldn’t be this way. But if I wanna continue being her friend I have had to realize that she is a jerk and when she is being one to me I have to disengage in the same way I do with her boyfriend (who is also a friend of mine). I just lover her, I wanted better. Maybe that’s unfair... She is just so mean to me these days...

Forgiveness is the ultimate act of love in all relationships. People are jerks when they want to be. I try not to have expectations of other people bc I’ve learned that I’ll always be disappointed when I do. I encourage you to go to your friend and explain how she’s making you feel lately. Your willingness to communicate will show her that you do love her enough to give her a chance to apologize for being a jerk in the first place.

 

[dandelions]

Hi @bag_of_struggles
I don't have friends so maybe I don't know, but my sister is presently dealing with a friend who was pretty much a nearly lifelong friend. it seems like something changed, but I've heard this story before. I wonder if the change is not so much in either person but in circumstances that allow one friend or the other to become aware of shortcomings in the other that only get revealed in this new situation. then at this point it begins to wear down the relationship. I have no friends so I have never lost a long term friendship. still I'm well aware of how this hurts. in this respect I do hope for a Happy solution for you but also wish you friendship and support from others. sometimes in a relationship one person takes on attributes of the other thus two "jerks" happens. if you watch citcoms, you might see this being dramatized in a humorous and poetic way. it may be that approaching your friendship this way will keep things light and lasting until a new situation presents itself that needs more of the old bond. lots of people are jerks and new situations and resulting perceived solutions bring out stuff another person never realized was there all along. IDK, maybe I'm a jerk and that's why I don't have friends, if it makes sense you can reject what I say here but still, I hope you will cherish what goodness you've already had with this person and consider that the jerkiness was actually to be expected but you just got lucky before. best...