Fuck It

[Jack-O99]

I want to die more than anything else in the world. It's all I can think about, it's all I fucking want to do. I can't stand myself anymore, I can't handle being around myself. Everything I say is wrong, and every time I try and say what I'm thinking I can't. Every day feels the same and I feel so disoriented trying to understand how I got where I am now. I feel so wrong and disgusting, like I'm just pretending to know how normal people act and trying my best bid at it. Whenever I interact with people it's so artificial,--- so without substance. I spend the entirety of the time after being spoken to debating seven different ways to respond, with a panic attack waiting to jump down my throat for any six of them. When I joke I can never tell if I've gone to far, I don't even really understand what certain topics should be avoided with specific people. I feel so out of place and awkward, and it hasn't changed once in my life. There was no moment where I could just know,--- just for once, that I was doing something right. I can't do anything right and every time I open my mouth I know an onslaught of shit will spew. Every time I think about responding to someone I feel my excitement be snuffed out by that uncertainty and unknowingness. <Mod edit - timeline>

 

[may71]

A lot of people have anxiety about social relationships and knowing what is "acceptable" these days.

The torment you go through over this sounds terrible. Do you think you would ever be able to learn to accept the risk that what you say won't go over well?

 

[Nick]

Hi @Jack-O99,

I can relate a lot to what you've written here. The struggle of interacting with people. Always feeling like you've said the wrong thing, you're going to say the wrong thing, or you just don't even know what you're supposed to say at all. I really don't know how to fit into the average normal society. I guess I found a bit of a place here because there are a higher percentage of people who can at least somewhat relate. My words might not come out right, but people are less apt to react poorly to it.

Maybe a good first step would be giving people here a chance.

 

[Przym]

You ever feel otherworldly?

Probably a lot of social anxiety stems from the fact that most interactions are artificial.

People are artificial, fickle.

I never felt as though I was apart of this world, I always just felt like I was living in my own.

 

[Gert]

This reminds me of my favorite quote:

"It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society." --Jiddu Krishnamurti

You're not crazy. The reason it feels like you can't do anything right is because there is no 'right', it doesn't exist. People try to please and tell each other what they want to hear, not having this skill is an asset not a handicap. Whatever it is you want to say, you can say it, it's alright. There's no hidden magical standard for something to be 'acceptable', 'funny' or 'cool'. Those words mean what the majority says they mean, and the majority of people are fucking idiots.

I think the way to go is to set a standard for yourself. Stop trying to be normal and take pride in being different. Have you seen the human race? Who in their right mind wants to be a part of that? I think by coming here you've made a step in the right direction. The one thing I find a strong indicator of whether a person is worth talking to is the incapacity to 'properly' function in a world that is so fucked (like the quote). Power to the misfits, let's stick together. Love and strength<3