Today I had thoughts of my funeral, and what it would be like....something totally new for me really.....kind of scary....I couldn't put people through that. Yes, I'm sick of my life and how I feel most of the time....but I don't want to end my life....but I don't want to keep on living in this life that I have going for me...it's driving me insane.....if that makes any sense....
Funeral?
- Thread starter kayako44
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when i'm not feeling well i spend alot of time thinking about my funeral. it's one of my early warning signs that my thinking isn't right. i daydream about who is there, what music they will play, who will make a little speech. will they understand. it's a distracting fantasy, kind of comforting in a weird way. now i look on it as a sign that i need to go see my doctor and get my meds checked, that i'm starting to slip.
Funerals are really expensive. Much more expensive than they should be. It shouldn't cost money to die. Thousands and thousands of euros. Ridiculous money. I'd hate to put that burden on my family. I think of my fat body in a coffin, I don't like the idea of people manoevering my torpid bloated corpse and commenting to each other about what a whopper I am.So it will never happen, while I am able to think like this. I fantasise frequently about going to a hotel and ending it all in a particular way, but am held back from enacting it by the thought of leaving my body behind for other people to deal with. It seems wrong. Very occasionally I get a frame of mind where I start to think that I do not care about this aspect of things and it is then that I know I have some real problems, its happened recently and has inspired my current experimentation with meds, which is something I have been very reluctant to do. In spite constantly returning to the conclusion that I would really love to kill myself, my survival instinct is stronger. So far anyway.
and after my very self absorbed post...
Kayako... you want to live but not the way you're living. Well wanting to live is always a good thing!! Is there any solutions you can see? What can you do, to get what you need? At least here you can be sure that people you talk to will understand what you arre going through..
Kayako... you want to live but not the way you're living. Well wanting to live is always a good thing!! Is there any solutions you can see? What can you do, to get what you need? At least here you can be sure that people you talk to will understand what you arre going through..
Sometimes my thinking is that Yes, I know that it would be hard on my family and friends both financially and emotionally......But right now, in my current state..going in and out of the hospital....I'm both a financial and emotional burden anyways... at least if I died, it would be the last time I would hurt someone else in these ways.....instead of just continuing to do it over and over again....I would just be done...no more...
I don't spend time thinking about my funeral, because I know it would be terrible. My overwhelmed family would just go to the closest funeral home and pick one of the pre-packaged options. It's what happened with my mother, because I had no emotional energy left to plan an intricate funeral. The funeral home director got her name wrong over and over and forgot to mention me as one of her children as well.
Better not count on a "special" sendoff.
I do think quite a lot about the disposal of my ashes, though. I want them in a particular place in a a particular way, and have gone over this again and again with my sister. The only thing keeping me from pre-buying some of these services is the fact that they're expensive, and I don't really have the money.
Better not count on a "special" sendoff.
I do think quite a lot about the disposal of my ashes, though. I want them in a particular place in a a particular way, and have gone over this again and again with my sister. The only thing keeping me from pre-buying some of these services is the fact that they're expensive, and I don't really have the money.
I think funerals (and weddings) are such vain and narcissistic events. I try not to think about my funeral, but when I do, I hope it's the quickest, most simple and cheapest procedure possible. Being cremated is cheaper than being buried, right? I hope they just cremate me and spread my ashes around a tree. I don't care. I definitely don't want a mass ceremony (atheist, but the family doesn't know) nor do I want a memorial service where family members would have to stand at a podium and share their favorite memories of me -because they probably don't have any. I've been reclusive for most of my short life. There really isn't anything good to remember me for. I'm perfectly fine with that because I don't want to be remembered.
I plan on leaving funeral instructions when I go. I'd hate to think my family would waste so much money on a useless embalmed corpse.
I should donate my body for medical students to practice on.
I plan on leaving funeral instructions when I go. I'd hate to think my family would waste so much money on a useless embalmed corpse.
I should donate my body for medical students to practice on.
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