gay, heartbroken and sick of trying

[nimbus]

i don't even know why i'm bothering posting this but here it goes. i'm gay and just don't know what to do anymore. i've been in love with my best friend for the last 10 years but the biggest problem is he's mostly straight. i say mostly because we have messed around before and there was even a time when he said he wanted a relationship with me but then promptly changed his mind.

i fell for him very quickly and haven't been able to move on. it just kills me inside to see him dating women (which he hasn't done much of until recently) and lately he's too busy with dating and hanging out with my former friends to have any time for me. he criticizes me for not wanting to hang out with him and his girlfriends or him and the friend that betrayed me. he says i'm too demanding that he compartmentalize me from the rest of his life. i say he's and insensitive prick for wanting me, who has been in love with him for 10 years, to hang out with the current ***** of the week that he's dating.

i feel like my life is falling apart. he's pretty much the only thing that i cherished in this world and he doesn't seem to care how i feel. my job sucks, i'm broke, i'm getting older and i'm alone. i spent way too much of my life not accepting the fact that i'm gay and then soon after acceptance i met him and kept waiting around thinking things would change. now i'm almost 40, completely clueless when it comes to relationships and feel like the guys i'm attracted to would never give me a chance.

i really feel like i'm just on cruise control these days. the only emotion i seem to feel is anger and then sometimes i'm just overwhelmed and cry. more often than not, though, i feel nothing. just empty. i literally think about killing myself on a daily basis and the only reason i don't is because i don't want to hurt my parents. once they pass away, all bets are off. i don't want to hurt my friends either but i don't feel as much obligation to them as i do my family.

people have suggested i go to therapy. i've been there done that and have the t-shirt. the first "therapist" i went to tried to change my orientation. it didn't work but then i felt completely betrayed when i found out that he was tried and convicted of molesting his clients. the second therapist i went to was very nice, didn't try to get me to change to straight but was absolutely ineffectual. the third therapist i went to wanted me to play with dolls and yell at them about how daddy didn't love me enough. when i objected he just pushed harder. idiot.

i've tried a few different anti-depressants. some worked for a while then stopped. some made me completely crazy. even if i found one that worked i couldn't afford it.

i'm just so sick of living and hating every moment of every day. i know it's probably just my fault for being unmotivated but i just can't cope anymore. even the thought of me dying doesn't affect me. i really just wish a bus would run me over and save me the trouble.

 

[TomT]

I'm not good at advice... so all I'm going to say is your post touched me and you should take a chance with the guys you are attracted to. Trust me, I've never had even the slightest clue about relationships either but somehow I managed to have quite a few by just jumping in feet first.

 

[CloudCatching]

Mmm. As the person above me said, I'm not very good at advice either, but I'll try since I kind of know what you're going through- Just not entirely.

As it's going to be said- Death isn't the answer and you can call me a hypocrite for saying it, but I'd suggest that you take things slower right now. You can't face all the problems at once, try one at a time.

Work is always going to suck, most people never get to get a job they love doing and that sucks hardcore, but there isn't much you can do about that unless you'd wanna try your luck at finding a new job that you might like more.

Relationships are a bitch, they really truly are. I've personally never have been good at maintaining stable relationships, but if you go out looking for love it might just find you. Have you tried any clubs or you could go out and meet people? Even if your best friend decided to be some-what of a douche, you shouldn't give up there, even if you spent time chasing after him.

There's more fish in the sea and I can guarantee you there are ones that aren't going to mess with your heart then ditch you for a chick.

Sorry this isn't the best of advice :/ I do hope you feel better and reconsider your options.

 

[nimbus]

Thanks for the kind words guys. I'm just really down these days. It seems that the only time I can get my mind off of things is when I sit for hours playing video games but even that doesn't help all the time. I really can't discuss my true feelings with my closest friends and the only person I can talk to is suicidal himself. Which tends to make him unavailable a lot of times.

I've got lots of friends that I know care about me but most of the time it takes too much energy to get together with them since I have to pretend that everything is fine. Things I used to love doing don't bring me pleasure anymore. Tonight I forced myself to get out for a while but it was almost too much to bear. I have lost the ability to make idle small talk and just feel awkward in groups of people. It just seems that each day is progressively worse than the one before.

I just want to stop hurting. There are times that it literally feels like my heart is ripping in two. I just don't understand why I can't feel the love that I know is around me. That's always been a problem for me. Even as a kid I logically knew my family loved me but emotionally I felt like the didn't love me. I know it's something that is wrong with me.

Well thanks again for listening. I'm sorry to trouble you with my stupid problems.

 

[CloudCatching]

Your problems will never be stupid.

Maybe love is hard to feel around you because you might be keeping people at arm's length instead of getting close to people. Depression tends to make people shut themselves off to people and think the worst of things.

If video games are an outlet then you should try that more often when you're feeling down- Even if you don't think it'll work it may help a little.

If you need someone to talk to one on one, you can always PM me. I'm- for the most part free.

 

[Phteven]

hmm I can relate to a lot of what u said....I have spent most of my life falling for straight guys and I never really had a relationship because of it..idk what to say but I feel ur pain...

 

[stevs2]

I understand your pain completely. I just got dumped from a 10 year relationship. AFTER I gave up a 6 figure job to move 600 miles to be with him. Then he has the nerve to text me from New Orleans with a "friend", when I'm sitting in this God foresaken hellhole in Tennessee waiting on him to come home so we could talk. What a happy freakin valentines day this is.

 

[nimbus]

i appreciate the words of support. i certainly hate it when people say they feel my pain because i wouldn't wish that on anyone. well, almost anyone.

thanks for listening.