Hello everyone!!!
I have built amazing connections on here and have felt extremely supported. I genuinely felt a lot better and that I didn’t need extra support. But i’m back, and nothing is wrong with that. I’m happy i’m back with my community
That being said, let me update you on my life.
I graduated high school in june!!! i was extremely excited to start my life, start doing stuff on my own. I got a job in July and i loved it so much. I worked at a dog resort. things were looking up for me!! I cut down on my use of marijuana a lot, and used like once in a while. However my mom, as i am still under her roof, does not want me using AT ALL. I tell her that i am going to college soon, and i could not guarantee her that I would not use outside of the house. I told her, “Mom i will promise to not use inside the house because of my little sister and i will not come home under the influence” Weed is the only drug i use, i have never used alcohol or any other drug.But to her it’s all or nothing. We talked about this maybe in July. She told me that she isn’t kicking me out, but that if I continue to use she will and she will not allow me to live here.
I did use on and off from July-September. I was doing good. She decided to drug test me randomly and I was positive for THC. she told me she no longer wanted me in her house if i was to continue this. I felt extremely horrible because I know my mom just wants the best for me and she is extremely afraid that i will go into crisis if i continue to use weed. but i am okay so far at this point. I told her that i would try to live with my dad (they are divorced) because living with her made me feel like a bother and that i couldn’t gurantee not using. I turned 18 September 28, 1 day later my mom asked when i’m moving out. i felt extremely pressured but she said it was because I already had made this decision. So i talked to my dad about moving in with him. Long story short, i realized it would not work living with either parent. I felt like my entire teen years have been restricted and i want to be able to do things on my own. From this point I started asking and looking at places to live. My boyfriend’s mom offered me a place to live with her Mother, because her mother lives alone and there is an empty room. i am planning to move in there at this point but i don’t know how serious she is about the offer.
Since the beginning of september i stopped taking my meds, because i didn’t feel any motivation and I was dreading my birthday. I knew the day would come where i would have to leave home. and now that it’s here i feel like complete shit. i told my mom about the room and she said “you are making the worst decision you could ever make. it is only a matter of time that you move in with your boyfriend and follow the typical latina lifestyle of moving in with a boyfriend and getting pregnant at a young age” mind you these are just her comments and assumptions. I am going to college currently, have a job, and use public transportation to get around everywhere. there are times where i break down because i miss my bus or train and i am late to places. there was a time i left my brand new phone on the bus on my way to therapy. this was recent. there has been things happening back to back that have been making me feel so suicidal. to add on, i am getting fired soon. this is a whole different thing but my boss has been taking advantage of me since i started working there, not giving me breaks at all (i work 4 hours a shift and i am supposed to have a 10 min break), having a manager sexually harass me and retaliating me when i ask about breaks/pay. So there goes my job. i want to die so much. Feeling like im a disappointment to my mom, knowing that she thinks i will fail, the pressure of having to find a job so i can support myself because NOTHING in california is cheap, not knowing if the room is really available to me, and on top of that having to go to school and focus when all of this is going on. i’m so done. i feel horrible as well because i tell my boyfriend i want to die and how much i hate myself and i feel like a horrible girlfriend because no one should be putting that on anyone else. i’ve cried so much today. i’ve cried so much over the past couple of days. I feel like a failure and i don’t know what i’m going to do. Nothing is working out for me i wish i was just a little girl again. i wish i didn’t have to go through any of this. things would be so much better if i was dead.
i’m so afraid for my future. i’m so scared of being financially unstable. i have 400 to my name. i spend 25 a week on therapy. i have other necessities i need to spend money on. And when i try to tell my parents tha im moving out because its emotionally draining, as well as having the guilt of hurting them throughout my teen years, they say that its only because i dont want to not smoke weed and that what im saying is bullshit. It is not even about that. I even thought to myself “yk what i’m going to stop using to prove it’s not that”
but now i want to use. i want to numb myself. i haven’t wanted to use to cope since last year and now i feel like i want to use it to cope. i dont wanna feel like this anymore. its so draining crying all the time feeling like im going to die and fail. so now idk what to do im trying to take it day by day. all of my stuff is moved out of my moms house. im staying there for now because my mom wants me to have somewhere to stay while im moving out, but she says that she doesn’t want to be my “storage unit” and letting me keep my stuff at her house. which is fine. i just cry in my room at night not knowing where im going to live and knowing my parents are so disappointed in me even though im trying my hardest to get thru everything. it probably doesn’t help i stopped taking my meds. i called 988 last night i felt extremely close to a crisis. i’m just scared to go back to a hospital or for someone to make me stay somewhere because i just know my mom will say im being manipulative and victimizing myself. but yeah that’s what’s been going on and i jus don’t know what to do t this point. i feel like giving up
I have built amazing connections on here and have felt extremely supported. I genuinely felt a lot better and that I didn’t need extra support. But i’m back, and nothing is wrong with that. I’m happy i’m back with my community
That being said, let me update you on my life.
I graduated high school in june!!! i was extremely excited to start my life, start doing stuff on my own. I got a job in July and i loved it so much. I worked at a dog resort. things were looking up for me!! I cut down on my use of marijuana a lot, and used like once in a while. However my mom, as i am still under her roof, does not want me using AT ALL. I tell her that i am going to college soon, and i could not guarantee her that I would not use outside of the house. I told her, “Mom i will promise to not use inside the house because of my little sister and i will not come home under the influence” Weed is the only drug i use, i have never used alcohol or any other drug.But to her it’s all or nothing. We talked about this maybe in July. She told me that she isn’t kicking me out, but that if I continue to use she will and she will not allow me to live here.
I did use on and off from July-September. I was doing good. She decided to drug test me randomly and I was positive for THC. she told me she no longer wanted me in her house if i was to continue this. I felt extremely horrible because I know my mom just wants the best for me and she is extremely afraid that i will go into crisis if i continue to use weed. but i am okay so far at this point. I told her that i would try to live with my dad (they are divorced) because living with her made me feel like a bother and that i couldn’t gurantee not using. I turned 18 September 28, 1 day later my mom asked when i’m moving out. i felt extremely pressured but she said it was because I already had made this decision. So i talked to my dad about moving in with him. Long story short, i realized it would not work living with either parent. I felt like my entire teen years have been restricted and i want to be able to do things on my own. From this point I started asking and looking at places to live. My boyfriend’s mom offered me a place to live with her Mother, because her mother lives alone and there is an empty room. i am planning to move in there at this point but i don’t know how serious she is about the offer.
Since the beginning of september i stopped taking my meds, because i didn’t feel any motivation and I was dreading my birthday. I knew the day would come where i would have to leave home. and now that it’s here i feel like complete shit. i told my mom about the room and she said “you are making the worst decision you could ever make. it is only a matter of time that you move in with your boyfriend and follow the typical latina lifestyle of moving in with a boyfriend and getting pregnant at a young age” mind you these are just her comments and assumptions. I am going to college currently, have a job, and use public transportation to get around everywhere. there are times where i break down because i miss my bus or train and i am late to places. there was a time i left my brand new phone on the bus on my way to therapy. this was recent. there has been things happening back to back that have been making me feel so suicidal. to add on, i am getting fired soon. this is a whole different thing but my boss has been taking advantage of me since i started working there, not giving me breaks at all (i work 4 hours a shift and i am supposed to have a 10 min break), having a manager sexually harass me and retaliating me when i ask about breaks/pay. So there goes my job. i want to die so much. Feeling like im a disappointment to my mom, knowing that she thinks i will fail, the pressure of having to find a job so i can support myself because NOTHING in california is cheap, not knowing if the room is really available to me, and on top of that having to go to school and focus when all of this is going on. i’m so done. i feel horrible as well because i tell my boyfriend i want to die and how much i hate myself and i feel like a horrible girlfriend because no one should be putting that on anyone else. i’ve cried so much today. i’ve cried so much over the past couple of days. I feel like a failure and i don’t know what i’m going to do. Nothing is working out for me i wish i was just a little girl again. i wish i didn’t have to go through any of this. things would be so much better if i was dead.
i’m so afraid for my future. i’m so scared of being financially unstable. i have 400 to my name. i spend 25 a week on therapy. i have other necessities i need to spend money on. And when i try to tell my parents tha im moving out because its emotionally draining, as well as having the guilt of hurting them throughout my teen years, they say that its only because i dont want to not smoke weed and that what im saying is bullshit. It is not even about that. I even thought to myself “yk what i’m going to stop using to prove it’s not that”
but now i want to use. i want to numb myself. i haven’t wanted to use to cope since last year and now i feel like i want to use it to cope. i dont wanna feel like this anymore. its so draining crying all the time feeling like im going to die and fail. so now idk what to do im trying to take it day by day. all of my stuff is moved out of my moms house. im staying there for now because my mom wants me to have somewhere to stay while im moving out, but she says that she doesn’t want to be my “storage unit” and letting me keep my stuff at her house. which is fine. i just cry in my room at night not knowing where im going to live and knowing my parents are so disappointed in me even though im trying my hardest to get thru everything. it probably doesn’t help i stopped taking my meds. i called 988 last night i felt extremely close to a crisis. i’m just scared to go back to a hospital or for someone to make me stay somewhere because i just know my mom will say im being manipulative and victimizing myself. but yeah that’s what’s been going on and i jus don’t know what to do t this point. i feel like giving up
