I just wanted to post my story...
Its been a while since I last spoke about it (1 year)... So i just feel the need to talk about what I feel.
Well, it all started like 3 years ago, when I was 13 years old.
Since I was a small girl, I was into rock. I play bass. And the kind of people I met while groing up werent the kind you want your daughter to hang out with. Soon enough, I started abusing drugs. Started with pot ended with pills like Xtasy, when I went to raves just for fun even though I was a rock chick and a young one.
At 12/02/04 was my first attempt in suicide: <mod edit: bunny - methods>. This was due to my feelings. I wasnt happy, I ran several times from home, got drunk, abused physically and sexually.
After this last attempt, my parents started giving me attention, but I guess this wasnt what I was seeking. I always told them to fuck off and ran away from home. Due to this, my mom fainted several times as she had diabeties problems and other health issue. At the middle of this year, I had a boyfriend, a 20 year old guy... yes... he is old. In September 04, I found out I was pregnant. I told my mom, she went crazy, my bro wanted to kill the guy, my dad never knew... I had to stop smoking (I used to smoke 1 pack and a half) and stop drinking (I mostly drunk vodka or whisky...these r my favorites)
Since I live in a arabic country (MEA), pregnacy stopping is not allowed unless the child had some troubles in developping. In December I had to flew all the way to canada, where I have my sister and uncle. There, I did the abortion. I didnt want to know, but I think my baby was a girl... I wanted to name her Kaytlen, but my nom didnt let me keep her for i was indeed very young...
This led me to a major deression, as u can see, this was MY BABY, and I love children. I went deeper in drinking and drugs. Run away from home for one month living with a so-called friend. this is when i started going to raves and taking Xtasy & shitty stuff... I still remeber the shitty white pill with a mitsubishi symbol on it... I called every once in while my mom, I can still hear her crying on the phone and telling her I will come back dont worry, but if you come and get me now I will kill my self (I would)... and that dont worry,I am safe.
Eventually, I did come back home, I lost 1 year of school. When I returned, its was in (I think) July 05, after a couple of weeks, I took my dad's gun, and tried to kill my self,... Bad shot, didnt kill myself, i just hurt myself realy badly, now i have damage in one ear, coz the bullet passed right above and next to it. And I have a little scar on my head, right above my ear even though the bullet didnt touch me, but I guess it was due to the bullet speed.
After this, 6 days in the hospital. My dad refuse even to say I am his daughter, he doesnt talk to me, my mom crying her eyes out was thinking to end her life also, my bro looking at me in hatred, didnt say a word. My sister just called and cried on the phone from canada.
I was tired and I wanted to die. That's when, suddenly I woke up, I realy dont know why, and said I want a second chance and I want to start all over...
I joined for a while the red cross junior. We moved, I changed friends, phone number, e-mail and everything. I was willing to become a better person...
Now, all I want is to help depressed people, donno, it makes me feel usefull, not a total waste of human life, to repay everything I did, to thank God for giving me a second chance.
All of this I can forget... but never my little baby girl... I wish she was still with me... When my best friend knew I was pregnant, she knew I wanted a girl, and I wanted to name her Kaytlen, so she bought me this little baby pyjama, color baby blue, written on it Kaytlen (the name was added by her mom)... I still have it. you know this smell of baby powder that you smell in baby's shops? its still on it... She was my baby girl... Now, I am 16, and I still kiss the little suit everytime i think about her, or everytime I am happy, or sad... I miss my Kaytlen...
Its been a while since I last spoke about it (1 year)... So i just feel the need to talk about what I feel.
Well, it all started like 3 years ago, when I was 13 years old.
Since I was a small girl, I was into rock. I play bass. And the kind of people I met while groing up werent the kind you want your daughter to hang out with. Soon enough, I started abusing drugs. Started with pot ended with pills like Xtasy, when I went to raves just for fun even though I was a rock chick and a young one.
At 12/02/04 was my first attempt in suicide: <mod edit: bunny - methods>. This was due to my feelings. I wasnt happy, I ran several times from home, got drunk, abused physically and sexually.
After this last attempt, my parents started giving me attention, but I guess this wasnt what I was seeking. I always told them to fuck off and ran away from home. Due to this, my mom fainted several times as she had diabeties problems and other health issue. At the middle of this year, I had a boyfriend, a 20 year old guy... yes... he is old. In September 04, I found out I was pregnant. I told my mom, she went crazy, my bro wanted to kill the guy, my dad never knew... I had to stop smoking (I used to smoke 1 pack and a half) and stop drinking (I mostly drunk vodka or whisky...these r my favorites)
Since I live in a arabic country (MEA), pregnacy stopping is not allowed unless the child had some troubles in developping. In December I had to flew all the way to canada, where I have my sister and uncle. There, I did the abortion. I didnt want to know, but I think my baby was a girl... I wanted to name her Kaytlen, but my nom didnt let me keep her for i was indeed very young...
This led me to a major deression, as u can see, this was MY BABY, and I love children. I went deeper in drinking and drugs. Run away from home for one month living with a so-called friend. this is when i started going to raves and taking Xtasy & shitty stuff... I still remeber the shitty white pill with a mitsubishi symbol on it... I called every once in while my mom, I can still hear her crying on the phone and telling her I will come back dont worry, but if you come and get me now I will kill my self (I would)... and that dont worry,I am safe.
Eventually, I did come back home, I lost 1 year of school. When I returned, its was in (I think) July 05, after a couple of weeks, I took my dad's gun, and tried to kill my self,... Bad shot, didnt kill myself, i just hurt myself realy badly, now i have damage in one ear, coz the bullet passed right above and next to it. And I have a little scar on my head, right above my ear even though the bullet didnt touch me, but I guess it was due to the bullet speed.
After this, 6 days in the hospital. My dad refuse even to say I am his daughter, he doesnt talk to me, my mom crying her eyes out was thinking to end her life also, my bro looking at me in hatred, didnt say a word. My sister just called and cried on the phone from canada.
I was tired and I wanted to die. That's when, suddenly I woke up, I realy dont know why, and said I want a second chance and I want to start all over...
I joined for a while the red cross junior. We moved, I changed friends, phone number, e-mail and everything. I was willing to become a better person...
Now, all I want is to help depressed people, donno, it makes me feel usefull, not a total waste of human life, to repay everything I did, to thank God for giving me a second chance.
All of this I can forget... but never my little baby girl... I wish she was still with me... When my best friend knew I was pregnant, she knew I wanted a girl, and I wanted to name her Kaytlen, so she bought me this little baby pyjama, color baby blue, written on it Kaytlen (the name was added by her mom)... I still have it. you know this smell of baby powder that you smell in baby's shops? its still on it... She was my baby girl... Now, I am 16, and I still kiss the little suit everytime i think about her, or everytime I am happy, or sad... I miss my Kaytlen...
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