• Apologies for the issue with a bizarre redirect on the site earlier today. There was a large server update and an error in an IP address had the traffic routing wrongly. No hacking or anything nefarious and nothing to worry about. Sorry for any stress/anxiety caused. Very best wishes - SF Admin

here is a question for you all!!

Lane

SF Supporter
#2
Hi @Jayjay289 . I'm nervous to answer. It's sometimes dependent on whether I have health insurance or not. But to answer your question,

1) it's when I wasnt working a regular job on the books and I could barely get out of bed. Literally, I could see things with a gray gauze over it. I envied people in buried in graveyards.

I remember feeling so distraught and helpless over my choices and how to dig myself out. I was put into the hospital twice. Once for trauma, once not by my own doing but by the therapist.

2) I think one is so far beyond helpsometimes, its hard to take action. That's why suicide seems like the only feasible option.

3) I have a balance now @Jayjay289 only because the years have by, 10 around, and I stopped putting myself in harm's way. I still struggle and my relationships still strained. Therapy is still an issue due to work schedule, but I'd rather work a legit job and support myself and daughter than go to therapy, so I try to have a balance. Also I'm blessed with a good medicine combo to manage my diagnoses.
 

Jayjay289

Jay Jay from the UK
Staff Alumni
#3
Hi @Jayjay289 . I'm nervous to answer. It's sometimes dependent on whether I have health insurance or not. But to answer your question,

1) it's when I wasnt working a regular job on the books and I could barely get out of bed. Literally, I could see things with a gray gauze over it. I envied people in buried in graveyards.

I remember feeling so distraught and helpless over my choices and how to dig myself out. I was put into the hospital twice. Once for trauma, once not by my own doing but by the therapist.

2) I think one is so far beyond helpsometimes, its hard to take action. That's why suicide seems like the only feasible option.

3) I have a balance now @Jayjay289 only because the years have by, 10 around, and I stopped putting myself in harm's way. I still struggle and my relationships still strained. Therapy is still an issue due to work schedule, but I'd rather work a legit job and support myself and daughter than go to therapy, so I try to have a balance. Also I'm blessed with a good medicine combo to manage my diagnoses.
Thank you for your reply, that must of taken a lot for you!! im pleased you now have that balance and that you are able to manage and cope as best as you can for you and your daughter!!! keep fighting it, and you will be amazed at how strong you become!!! im proud of you x
 

Lane

SF Supporter
#4
Thank you for your reply, that must of taken a lot for you!! im pleased you now have that balance and that you are able to manage and cope as best as you can for you and your daughter!!! keep fighting it, and you will be amazed at how strong you become!!! im proud of you x
Thank you, this brought a tear to my eye. *hug10
 

Jayjay289

Jay Jay from the UK
Staff Alumni
#5
Thank you, this brought a tear to my eye. *hug10
you are stronger than you know, what you have come through and to get to were you are today! takes strength and resilance!! you havent tapped out, you havent quit, you have kepty going and had to fight every day!!! keep going lane!! i will supoport you and stand by your side!!!
 

Lane

SF Supporter
#6
you are stronger than you know, what you have come through and to get to were you are today! takes strength and resilance!! you havent tapped out, you havent quit, you have kepty going and had to fight every day!!! keep going lane!! i will supoport you and stand by your side!!!
Thanks, I hope to do the same for you and friends here.
 

FFurry

SF Supporter
#8
id love to know the answer to this,

at what point do you reach out for professional help?

how far do you let your self go before you realise??

do you actually want help and want to get better or get a balance??
I think it depends on the person. Professional help is on the list of options when looking for solutions. After trying and failing with less drastic approaches, it becomes the next thing that gives some hope of potential relief. At least that was my situation. Years ago, I never thought I'd seek such help, but was pretty much forced into it. There's no specific point, except it's between things you've already attempted and more drastic things you might not want to try just yet.
 

MichaelKay

Well-Known Member
#9
1) I isolate myself due to my mental health issues. So sometimes the feeling of being completely detatched from other people, like I'm keeping a secret about how awful I feel, becomes too much and I reach out to professionals (most often get admitted to a psych ward for a shorter amount of time when the suicidal desire and anxiety becomes unbearable). But I have paranoid issues so I often feel that "professional help" is sort of manipulation. Like I feel they're trying to shape me into something they want but I don't. And hence I quickly cancel whatever help I'm getting. These days I only ask for help on chat-based hotlines for mentally ill or suicidal people where I can be honest without risking getting forcefully admitted to a closed psych ward for weeks or months (and I can hide behind a VPN to make sure no one can find me when I express suicidal plans).

2) It really depends on a number of things. I can't answer that in any simple way

3) I don't know what I want. A retry at life I guess? Getting a second chance and see if my life would be different if I knew what I know now? I think I'm beyond wanting balance or wanting to get better. I just want peace because my weird mind can't even imagine what those other two things would feel like.
 

Butterfly

Sim Addict
Safety & Support
SF Author
SF Supporter
#10
I have better awareness now than what I used to. I inform my CPN if my mood is dipping or my voices get angry. I was struggling a couple of weeks ago and she was able to arrange PRN medication which worked well for me. I have finally got balance in my life and I'm more self aware though it's taken about 18 years to get here.
 

HappyKitty

•✮• SF's pet kitty, the cheerful and purest. •✮•
#11
um.. I never wanted help in the first place... I’m always being interrogated to/prompted to/lured to.... Like they would be

“kitty kitty here kitty kitty, if you don’t see your therapist or take your meds, I will literally ask your boss to fire you....”

I mean, I’m still questioning like “why bother saving someone who doesn’t want to be safe or.. someone who knows I won’t recover anyways...”


Honestly, I am still feeling like shit sooo..... You wait ten years also... I’ll still be the same so...
 

A_J_R

Well-Known Member
#12
I first went to therapy after my parents died. They died very close together and I needed someone to help me through. I ended up having a REALLY bad therapist, and it was there I first became actively suicidal. He put me on drug immediately instead of dealing with the grief. I got so zonked and stop caring about things (I was on three antidepressants at once at some point, and had to be on suicide watch for a 2 week period as well). I didn't know this wasn't normal, not ever having therapy before. I just assumed I was doing something wrong. Eventually i got so angry I impulsively fired him. It was kind of awesome. He wrote me this 2 page letter begging me to come back. What an ass.

Anyway, that made me wary of therapy, although every therapist I've had since has been pretty wonderful. But I have go to the edge now before I seek help. I just quit my last therapist because she got pushy about one topic. I'm still sensitive, but she was 90% wonderful. I just get scared, I guess.
 

extraterrestrialone

untwisting the pretzel
SF Supporter
#13
id love to know the answer to this,

at what point do you reach out for professional help?

how far do you let your self go before you realise??

do you actually want help and want to get better or get a balance??

Jayjay
i first reached out for professional help when i was in my late 20s i think or maybe early 30s. i found a smug obnoxious psychiatrist in the days when psychiatrists still did the work. but he was a very unpleasant person and when i missed an appointment he charged me anyway. at that i discontinued my “help” for several more years. i next reached out for help in my 40s when a clinic i went to handed me a mental healthcare questionnaire that made me suspect that this was the place to be because they could actually help me with my lifelong issues. (boy was i wrong! ask and i’ll explain!). but not much longer after i decided to keep going to this clinic, i also began having dangerous complications from my self harm and reached out to a friend/acquaintance in a writing group. it was she who actually connected me with my first therapist. i guess that this is actually a series of points but that’s how it worked out.

i’ve been a dangerous self harmer all my life and always knew i needed help. i also falsely believed that i could do all the healing on my own. it was only after i had been hospitalized and been incorrectly labeled at the clinic that i began to take the realization into finding real help.

i actually do want help but also realize that mental healthcare is deeply rooted in its own preconceived notions and closed minded when it comes to changing. that has put a divide between the help and me. i’ve always wanted help and honestly i do understand the notion of “helping one’s self” but mental healthcare has to be given as well as being allowed to occur. for me i firmly believe that the provider needs to be hands on. the provider cant just sit back on a 9 to 5 schedule for 45 minutes once a week and conform to the need for money that insurance companies believe is the only reason to be in business.

for me getting better is a balance. but doing meds doesn’t cut it. therapy according to their schedule and their financial needs does not cut it. there are so many programs that are still only in the “what if” stage and i think the mental healthcare industry is still too scared to try them or they simply think its too difficult. it is difficult but it actually is all about saving humanity. if not for me (and it won’t ever be for me) i’m hoping that someday mental healthcare opens its collective mind in an enthusiastic way and proactivates. its way over due and mental issues affect everyone.
 
#15
Im pretty sure I was heading down this path for a very very long time so it was a bit like the boiled frog syndrome where I didn’t really notice until I reached rock bottom. The first time I think I recognised or admitted to myself I was unwell was when I wrote an email to the Samaritans telling them that I wanted to take my life. It took some time before I went to see my gp. I think I wrote down what I wanted to tel him and asked him to read it rather than say it out loud to him. I don’t know what made me go and see my gp but his recommendation was to see a counsellor. I would say everything just came flooding out, everything I had been holding in for way to many years and in some ways speaking to a therapist made things even worse. The suicidal thoughts became so strong I was actively putting myself in danger during my counselling sessions. They were not face to face so I was able to take the call from wherever I wanted. Looking back I feel sorry for what I put my therapist through. I would be taking the calls away from home and threatening to end my life. She ended up calling the police and that was the last time I spoke to her. The sudden loss of her support only made things worse.
Your question as to whether I want to get better is not an easy one to answer. It is not as straightforward as answering yes or no. I can’t imagine being better, I don’t remember what it was like before feeling like this. I would say that most of the time I don’t want to get better. It is comfortable staying in the darkness and a big part of me likes keeping the option of suicide as a safety net, likes some people thinking that I’m in danger. Perhaps I like the thrill of the risk, I like not being safe. I am working to get myself into a better place but I genuinely don’t know what I’m looking for or what being in a better place actually looks or feels like. Perhaps it would be a day when I don’t think about my own existence or a day when I don’t actively want to harm myself. When I’m low I sometimes think that I am faking it but on days when I’m feeling less low, I realise that actually I don’t have much control over my mood and it definitely has control over me.
 

Please Donate to Help Keep SF Running

Total amount
$55.00
Goal
$255.00
Top