Hi, everyone. I'm really sorry if my post comes off as a bit awkward - I'm generally not a very social person and I'm in tears at the moment, so I probably won't make too much sense. Feel free to ignore the following ramble, if you like. I know I probably shouldn't lump all this together in my first post but I just really needed to post this somewhere, and from what I've seen, this community seems incredibly supportive. I made this account about a month ago, but I haven't posted before because I was hoping that my suicidal thoughts would just go away by themselves. Unfortunately, they haven't.
Thanks to the pressures and expectations of me from literally the first moment that I started school, I pretty much drove away all my friends because I wanted to impress my parents so badly. Throughout primary school I had one real friend (who I was very grateful for) and at my first secondary school I had a pretty stable group of friends, but at my current school I feel like I have no one. It's been nearly three years here, and yet...I feel just as lonely and wretched as I did when I was five years old. I'm fifteen now, but I feel so much older. It's not so much that I wasn't able to make friends at all - it's just that the invidiousness of high school gossip and constant backstabbing makes me want to give up on everything.
I know not all friendship groups are like this, but years of social isolation have made me almost terrified to try and hang out with anyone new. So basically, I'm stuck in a friendship group where everyone ignores me unless they want help with their homework. They're not horrible people or anything, but...urgh.
Lately, I've been feeling even worse than usual. While I've been too scared to seek professional help in case my parents/"friends" found out, I'm pretty sure I have depression. I haven't felt anything positive in over two years, and in the last couple of months I've ended up crying nearly every day. I've also started contemplating suicide, which is how I ended up here.
I generally find it hard to admit that I need help, so even posting on this forum is a huge step for me. I really hope that I'll be able to stick around for long enough to help others too.
Thanks to the pressures and expectations of me from literally the first moment that I started school, I pretty much drove away all my friends because I wanted to impress my parents so badly. Throughout primary school I had one real friend (who I was very grateful for) and at my first secondary school I had a pretty stable group of friends, but at my current school I feel like I have no one. It's been nearly three years here, and yet...I feel just as lonely and wretched as I did when I was five years old. I'm fifteen now, but I feel so much older. It's not so much that I wasn't able to make friends at all - it's just that the invidiousness of high school gossip and constant backstabbing makes me want to give up on everything.
I know not all friendship groups are like this, but years of social isolation have made me almost terrified to try and hang out with anyone new. So basically, I'm stuck in a friendship group where everyone ignores me unless they want help with their homework. They're not horrible people or anything, but...urgh.
Lately, I've been feeling even worse than usual. While I've been too scared to seek professional help in case my parents/"friends" found out, I'm pretty sure I have depression. I haven't felt anything positive in over two years, and in the last couple of months I've ended up crying nearly every day. I've also started contemplating suicide, which is how I ended up here.
I generally find it hard to admit that I need help, so even posting on this forum is a huge step for me. I really hope that I'll be able to stick around for long enough to help others too.
