Hi everyone

[godsbeloved]

I joined yesterday and started posting before I saw this introduction forum. It's kinda crazy but a big relief to be able to talk about the big taboo subject. I am all grown up and then some, and I have been suicidal all my life. I wanted out from the time I was a child. Things were really hard at home, and I had no brothers or sisters, so I had to deal all alone.

I found out not too long ago I have Asperger's and this explains a lot. I have always felt lonely and found it hard to maintain friendships. But I did manage to have a family, but it's all gone now. I have a son who was caught in a bomb blast defusing a bomb in Iraq. He lost an arm, both of his eyes, and has brain damage. This tore my family apart, and they all blame me, for "being so emotional." If they could only know what I went through to try to keep it all in, until it made me sick. I finally understood I could not help my son anymore, and I had to let him find his way back to life himself. After he came home things went horribly wrong, and I ended up leaving to get away from how bad things were with my husband and my son's wife. But I simply could not handle it anymore and I was skirting the abyss, but wanted to try to make a new life. That effort has failed.

That was 3 years ago and it has been a relentless experience of emotional hell. Of my 4 sons only one talks to me now. The other 3 have closed the door permanently. My husband pulled a fast one and I found out my name is not on our house. So here I am, with nothing, just swept under the carpet.

If this were a single episode, I would think it would pass. But it is a pattern, and because of my Asperger's I will never be able to do any better. People are a mystery and I cannot connect in the ways others can. I am not sure what to do with myself...but I am sure I have reached the limit of my ability to endure how I feel. Just can't go on feeling this bad. Mornings are the worst.

 

[ZombiePringle]

Hi, welcome to SF. I'm sorry to hear about your son.

 

[Craig]

Im sorry that your going through all this. Im glad that you were able to find us and that talking about everything is helping you through it all.

I dont know much about your situation other than what I have just read but I do feel that family will always be family. It may not feel that way now but your sons could eventually get to a place where they are willing to open that door again.
I know what its like to have people in your life changed like your son was. I did tours in Iraq and Afghanastan and I had a few friends that got brain damage from explosions. When it happened more and more I feel like they died. Like the person that was still here was someone else entirly. I cant imagine how hard that must be for you given that he is your son.
I feel like you have lost hope in some aspects of your life. Please dont ever feel like things cant get better. They can and will if your willing to put in the effort to make them better. Feel free to message me if you ever need to talk.

Welcome to the community

 

[Acy]

Welcome to SF! What a lot you've been going through! I'm glad you've found SF and hope the members give you the support you seek.

 

[Monoka]

welcome to the SF, hope we can help. x

 

[total eclipse]

I am so sorry you have endured so much pain I hope in time your other sons realise how sick you were and how you did what you did to survive Hugs to you. I say go to hospital hun if you get to desperate and stay safe okay they will get you the supports you need to move on.

 

[godsbeloved]

Im sorry that your going through all this. Im glad that you were able to find us and that talking about everything is helping you through it all.

Thank you Craig and everyone. It has helped me a lot to be able to talk, and the responses have been so touching. I know that you all understand this kind of killing pain. I am better today, and 2 days ago was a really close call. I as near to ending it. But then it began to lift yesterday, and today looking back on it. it's almost like remembering that I had a serious case of the flu. When I am in that state, I cannot remember that it will pass or that there is any other state of being. I know you all helped me.


I know what its like to have people in your life changed like your son was. I did tours in Iraq and Afghanastan and I had a few friends that got brain damage from explosions. When it happened more and more I feel like they died. Like the person that was still here was someone else entirly. I cant imagine how hard that must be for you given that he is your son.

It has been life killing. It changed me in a way that I can't really describe. I am not the same person, like he is not, and I can never go back to who I was before. And then losing him because of his new personality, has been doubly painful. I feel a lot of the time like a husk of myself. If only I could have stayed in his life to be with him and help him.

I feel like you have lost hope in some aspects of your life.

I have lost hope. I have no way to envision being happy, at least as I understand it, because of everything that has happened has given me a veiw of life on planet earth that is too dark and too real to deny. The last loss I went thru was my dogs died. I had to leave them and I was grieving so for them. I had them for 15 years. And they died. Of course I blame myself that they died for grief of me and in some ways I think I am not worth happiness because I abandoned my dogs. My son I am in communication with took them, but they just died. I know they were old. The mommy died of cancer and her baby boy Beeper lived another year and a half, and then one night he just went to sleep and never work up. I believe he died of grief for me.

Please dont ever feel like things cant get better. They can and will if your willing to put in the effort to make them better. Feel free to message me if you ever need to talk.
Welcome to the community

Thank you Craig and all. I am putting in effort. I am working to create income on the internet, but so far I have not seen a dime. Money will solve a lot of my most immediate problems, but it's hard to work with this emotional black hole always pulling at me. Thank you all for helping me.
Carolyn

 

[me myself and i]

Carolyn, stay here please, there are many people that can provide support over the most difficult times in our lives.
I used to earn a lot of money, alongside that, i didn't really like myself.
Now i have nothing, yet can look in the mirror again.
Try not to worry about money, its ok to have concerns, but worrying solves little.
Be kind to yourself and others, this brings a richness that is priceless.

 

[godsbeloved]

Carolyn, stay here please, there are many people that can provide support over the most difficult times in our lives.
I used to earn a lot of money, alongside that, i didn't really like myself.
Now i have nothing, yet can look in the mirror again.
Try not to worry about money, its ok to have concerns, but worrying solves little.
Be kind to yourself and others, this brings a richness that is priceless.

Hi Me, Myself and I,
My money needs right now are really basic, facing not having a place to live and not being able to eat very well. I am right on the edge of not making just basic living expenses and one crisis is going to make things impossible. It's very difficult not to panic.

 

[tweetypie]

Welcome to sf hun. We are all here to help you through this awful time you are going through xxxxx

 

[Petal]

Hi Caroline, welcome to the forums

 

[the masked depressant]

welcome. not sure if i've all ready done so, but if so i'm welcoming you again.

 

[godsbeloved]

welcome. not sure if i've all ready done so, but if so i'm welcoming you again.

Thank you. You all have been a life saver, literally. This was a dangerous episode for me. What is strange is that I had a close call last night..an honest accident. My balcony is being constructed and does not have handrails yet, and I was out last night and nearly stepped off of it in the dark..caught myself just in the moment of putting my foot down on air. Strange....