Oh thank you Rebreb, you really are very sweet you know! I'm so sorry I scared you yesterday. It had been a long week & when i got bubby home from daycare & first changed his nappy he has huge blisters, they were actually bleeding, & incredibly painful for him (changing his nappy today has been a nightmare) & they weren't there when I dropped him at daycare that morning, so I just don't know what has happened. Anyway, finding him like that at the end of a long week, I completely over reacted - I felt so guilty that he was experiencing that pain as a direct result of my actions, which I know (when my mind is behaving) is a bit unrealistic but I was also exhausted & have been so down on myself lately (as you know).
I've had a better day today, I've become very bad at eating because I associate it with so much pain. Over the last 6+ years I have been diagnosed with coeliac, lactose intolerance, chronic gastritis & IBS, all prior to falling pregnant, & as you know I had a really rough pregnancy. I think all of that has wiped me out & I've lost a bit of fight in the last few months. I know I've not got it anywhere near as bad as others in this world, but even that upsets me at the moment, then I get really angry with myself for being so pathetic. I'm absolutely hopeless at talking about things too - I just lock it all away (lost memories & all of that, I know you're familiar with all of this). These days if I stay in the bedroom by myself for longer than 15 mins hubby comes & checks on me, in my mind that gives me even more ammunition to be pissed off with myself (& I know why he does it, & that he's right to check, I just feel like such a selfish & nasty person to put him through that - I'm very lucky he comes & checks really, so again need to stop being an idiot). Anyway, it's a cycle at the moment, you get the picture. It's funny how much easier it feels writing some of this - need to make sure I don't re-read it though. I do that & then get pissed off with myself for being an idiot & delete it all.
Anyway, we've started a meal plan today to try & make a start at changing some of this, then on top of that hopefully the naturopath will further help. Fingers crossed all this effort doesn't go to waste. I think if I can get a handle on my health other things (hopefully my feelings) will fall into place.
I'm so glad to hear your flashbacks have settled a little, that's a big relief. It's really nice to hear you sounding a little more positive too - I'm sure you've been working through several mountains & not giving yourself credit for it! I know you've been through heaps Rebreb, but you're going to get through this & be a stronger & better person (if that's at all possible) for it, you just can't see that right now. I can't see it for myself either, every time I think I have I take 20 billion steps backwards! I r ad that you were thinking about writing out your story, I think that's a great idea, & you'd be really good at it, you're a good writer. What genre of books do you like? Maybe I can suggest some, I was largely thinking it might help give your mind a break at the moment if you could find a book you would enjoy. I definitely think your mind does still need a break, I know you need to work through things but you need to do that slowly & you still need time off throughout the process. Also do you like gardening? I suck at gardening - I kill things people say are impossible to kill! Although, sometimes I've been able to grow things people have told me it would be impossible to grow!! Also do you have any interest in art? I know all of these things are not on your mind right now (mine neither), but I wonder, if some of them could be in your mind (even if only for a little bit of time in a week) maybe it would help. I remember you said you like nice things, what sort of things. Obviously, only answer what you feel comfortable answering, or disregard all of this as rambling, I do that a lot! Must importantly how are you today? I love hearing from you too, & would like to read about anything you would like to talk about. I hope you continue to keep feeling a little better, I'm going to keep trying hard - I just put all these super healthy smoothie bags in the freezer (I know it sounds ridiculous!) but I'll let you know how I go - particularly if they're even consumable or totally revolting! Take care of you, sending you huge hugs & lots of love (ps, I've stopped myself from re-reading this so apologise for any typos!) xXx