How’s Your Therapy Going?
- Thread starter dandelions
- Start date
I agree with you. I have tried to talk to her about it and she always avoids answering and distracts to talking about current events. Etc. I think she does it because the truth is that she does not want to deal with me. I am not paying so she is not invested in me and she can’t tell me this. That would be very non therapeutic and mean. So she is not altruistic. She is driven by money like everyone. Hurts because my illness is because of abusive people and here she is neglecting me and that is a form of abuse.
I was sorry to read that she is not responding as she should especially after you have talked to her about it. I wondered if you had spoken to your P for a possible referral to someone else? As even though pro bono if your current therapist is not a good match/helpful perhaps it may make sense to explore other alternatives?
i can’t help being amazed and shocked in the worst kind of way when in therapy and DBT (and elsewhere too) that i really must be from another planet because i’m sure that those who i encounter don’t even breathe the same stuff i do!!!
there is so often this strange Zero response when i open up my mouth and actually say something that’s on my mind as i perceive it in therapy or DBT etc.
like in therapy the other day when the focus was on me, one woman in the group must have been asleep or more likely pretending because i think she was not at all interested in my situation and the things i had to say. her eyes were closed but unfortunately the psychologist did not notice.
but once i get started talking - over and over that day and other days too - there was just an awkward silence when i was done for the moment, like no one had any idea of what to say in response. am i really so freaky? so out of the realm of other people‘s mental illness? that no one has any idea how to respond to me?
like maybe I was saying something that was just so stupid that they were being kind of kindly toward me to not say “what an idiot” or “poor soul”. and then someone tried to come up with questions to ask that to me were leading in a direction that did not really apply and i started being uncomfortable with this wrong direction.
or in DBT today and actually every time, they talk about something and i have questions and i always get one of 3 responses which are “we’ll actually be addressing this a little bit later - so hold the thought” but the later doesn’t seem to ever come. or at least the mental healthcare professional who is running the group just forgot that i asked a question.
or another response is to point out how there is something that i don’t understand in the particular DBT concept - yet the answer i receive does not really seem to satisfy my concern.
and then there’s the usual Zero repsonse - like in group therapy, where no one says anything - like i must just be so out of it that an answer is not necessary because i must be hopeless. or if not complete silence after i ask something, the mental health professional just gets out of answering by asking the group, “what does everybody else think?” and eventually with continued zero response someone finally askes something else and the discussion moves along to other things.
so yes i really must be not of this earth. i must be an extraterrestrial on this planet who just happens to love music and nature in the park, but everything else just does not work. so no wonder i’m alone even in the company of others.
there is so often this strange Zero response when i open up my mouth and actually say something that’s on my mind as i perceive it in therapy or DBT etc.
like in therapy the other day when the focus was on me, one woman in the group must have been asleep or more likely pretending because i think she was not at all interested in my situation and the things i had to say. her eyes were closed but unfortunately the psychologist did not notice.
but once i get started talking - over and over that day and other days too - there was just an awkward silence when i was done for the moment, like no one had any idea of what to say in response. am i really so freaky? so out of the realm of other people‘s mental illness? that no one has any idea how to respond to me?
like maybe I was saying something that was just so stupid that they were being kind of kindly toward me to not say “what an idiot” or “poor soul”. and then someone tried to come up with questions to ask that to me were leading in a direction that did not really apply and i started being uncomfortable with this wrong direction.
or in DBT today and actually every time, they talk about something and i have questions and i always get one of 3 responses which are “we’ll actually be addressing this a little bit later - so hold the thought” but the later doesn’t seem to ever come. or at least the mental healthcare professional who is running the group just forgot that i asked a question.
or another response is to point out how there is something that i don’t understand in the particular DBT concept - yet the answer i receive does not really seem to satisfy my concern.
and then there’s the usual Zero repsonse - like in group therapy, where no one says anything - like i must just be so out of it that an answer is not necessary because i must be hopeless. or if not complete silence after i ask something, the mental health professional just gets out of answering by asking the group, “what does everybody else think?” and eventually with continued zero response someone finally askes something else and the discussion moves along to other things.
so yes i really must be not of this earth. i must be an extraterrestrial on this planet who just happens to love music and nature in the park, but everything else just does not work. so no wonder i’m alone even in the company of others.
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therapy has been leaving me in a very - I can't think of the right word - because it's all of the following but at the same time, not: agitated, distressed, hopeless, giving up, discombobulated, angry. yet these feelings seem to imply I'm in a real bad place but maybe more, it may be that all the suffering in me and the causes, are beginning to become exposed - shit that's been festering for so many years yet all I could do about it was to self harm and fall asleep when I could not tolerate being present. but how much more pain is there to endure still? I'm not so sure that I can take it much longer if it just keeps on coming. I'm in need of peace.
Therapy going very good. And the therapist had taught me how to meditate, which I still do--although usually I don't do as much as I should. But I believe I do enough, as my mind stays mostly serene.
Mostly, though, I have Contentment, which is more important than happiness. Because happiness is an emotion that occasionally happens in short bursts. So it's different from Contentment because between the two emotions, happiness is momentary but Contentment is permanent from my having reached my goal which I can never lose. So happiness is temporary and momentary but contentment is permanent.
Mostly, though, I have Contentment, which is more important than happiness. Because happiness is an emotion that occasionally happens in short bursts. So it's different from Contentment because between the two emotions, happiness is momentary but Contentment is permanent from my having reached my goal which I can never lose. So happiness is temporary and momentary but contentment is permanent.
hey winslow, this sounds great. quite happy for you! i’m wondering if you’ve ever encountered difficulty meditating. because that is a big problem for me. i get things like itches on hard to reach places or sneezes and then hijacker starts up with me yelling and screaming. and i’ve not been able to just stay focused enough or unfocused enough (whichever) to just settle into it. wondering if you have any ideas. (i speak up about it in therapy but they only like to listen and not comment. i guess i’m supposed to figure it out for myself - but if you give me some ideas i promise i will not tell anyone that you said it 😜)
Hi, Brother Et, always enjoyable to talk with you. To answer your question, the way I would answer it is that you have a much harder time than me at meditation because of that Hijacker entity in you. If you were in Japan, a Shinto temple would contact a Shaman to do an Exorcism on you. Because that Hijacker of yours has all the earmarks of an invading entity. After all, Shintoism is a religion of Animism--Nature-Spirits--and they can be either benevolent or malevolent. The invading spirit can be either an Elemental or it can be the spirit of a Human who had died. For example, I saw once on YouTube a video of an Exorcism in Cambodia where a lady was harassed by a spirit. The Shaman identified it as the spirit of her deceased husband. The husband had known that the wife was cheating on him with another man. So in resentment, the spirit was harassing the lady. When the lady expressed sincere remorse, then at that point the spirit left her in peace. It seems that when the husband had been alive, he had acted coldly to the wife, so it was the husband's fault too--because his neglect made his wife turn to another man. Once the spirit was made aware of that, then it left the lady in peace.
So sometimes I think your Hijacker entity is that kind of spirit. But it's just my opinion. Anyway on this forum, we are Not allowed to force our belief on others. But we can at least share them, so others of us can explore different possibilities.
Plus there are some cases where a Psychiatrist could Not chase away the entity--but going to an Exorcism succeeded. The answer is to figure out whether the problem is a Psychiatric problem or an Exorcism problem.
So sometimes I think your Hijacker entity is that kind of spirit. But it's just my opinion. Anyway on this forum, we are Not allowed to force our belief on others. But we can at least share them, so others of us can explore different possibilities.
Plus there are some cases where a Psychiatrist could Not chase away the entity--but going to an Exorcism succeeded. The answer is to figure out whether the problem is a Psychiatric problem or an Exorcism problem.
generally speaking, my spiritual belief system is very close to shamanism. in fact, a few years ago my former therapist started to try to put me in touch with a shamanic healer. (not sure that's what she's actually called) but she was at the time traveling in Europe and not available and I was a bit uncomfortable so it didn't happen.
I'm not convinced either way about hijacker! by the way, and FYI, I don't like to capitalize the "h" and I always call it an it. incidentally, I'm often finding myself drawn spirituality to Siberia and Mongolia. I'm not sure why but shamanism does appear to play into this.
hijacker has taken on a new stance in the past several months. it is prepared to hand over the whole operation to another one who lives in me whom we all seem to agree is the rightful owner of the body.
I'm not convinced either way about hijacker! by the way, and FYI, I don't like to capitalize the "h" and I always call it an it. incidentally, I'm often finding myself drawn spirituality to Siberia and Mongolia. I'm not sure why but shamanism does appear to play into this.
hijacker has taken on a new stance in the past several months. it is prepared to hand over the whole operation to another one who lives in me whom we all seem to agree is the rightful owner of the body.
right now it's 9:04pm new york time tuesday. I'm sitting on a hospital bed, hospitalized for the 9th or 10th time in the past 10 years due to mental health issues. wont even say how many ER visits.
honestly, I believe that the more therapy uncovers the more the uncovering reveals how much more of the horrors there are hiding still needing to be uncovered.
it gets to a point where the therapists starts telling me how sorry they are that I seem to be suffering so deeply. so I wonder if it's time to be moving on. maybe this intensive program's done all it can. I won't take meds! and I keep getting captured in the self harm quicksand and end up hospitalized.
I had a theory of what the real issue is and what the actual solution would be, but I also feel that to achieve this change I need a real close friend and companion who I could always or usually or often have around to talk to/with and feel I'm not only alone and stop feeling like an extraterrestrial on my home planet. this too is out of reach.
I am and have always been without suicidal intent, but self harm is an ever growing problem for me and I think all the professionals don't know what the fxxk to do but try hard pretending they're trying hard.
honestly, I believe that the more therapy uncovers the more the uncovering reveals how much more of the horrors there are hiding still needing to be uncovered.
it gets to a point where the therapists starts telling me how sorry they are that I seem to be suffering so deeply. so I wonder if it's time to be moving on. maybe this intensive program's done all it can. I won't take meds! and I keep getting captured in the self harm quicksand and end up hospitalized.
I had a theory of what the real issue is and what the actual solution would be, but I also feel that to achieve this change I need a real close friend and companion who I could always or usually or often have around to talk to/with and feel I'm not only alone and stop feeling like an extraterrestrial on my home planet. this too is out of reach.
I am and have always been without suicidal intent, but self harm is an ever growing problem for me and I think all the professionals don't know what the fxxk to do but try hard pretending they're trying hard.
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tomorrow I will be having individual therapy in person and then group via zoom. last time, my therapist knew about my hospitalization. I told him when I arrived and he walked with me to ER downstairs. but on Friday he persistently led me to telling about it to the group. I'm bothered by that. maybe I was a little ok with talking, but he was pressuring me. there is something very horrifying about telling about one's own self harm. they know something very extremely personal about me that is my own terror. I felt like I needed to defend myself. I felt like self harm is not a thing to defend. I feel like quitting the program but I dread not being able to have people in my life I can talk to at all about this but again, the talk is like being dragged through the fire.
@extraterrestrialone
I know what you mean about your apprehensiveness at exposing about your self-harm in a group setting. Because there are others too, who feel it's confidential. At the moment, I don't have any suggestions, but only to say that your point is well-taken about confidentiality.
I know what you mean about your apprehensiveness at exposing about your self-harm in a group setting. Because there are others too, who feel it's confidential. At the moment, I don't have any suggestions, but only to say that your point is well-taken about confidentiality.
i just need to add that when i wrote the above i was in a “state” of despair. i don’t know that i was expressing myself so accurately. i have just been feeling that all i’m trying to do with my life is fairly useless because i am apparently not in sync with those who are in place to help and i’ve not been able to find someone near to home who will listen and when people listen here they most often don’t say hi or anything. i think i’m pretty much out of sync everywhere i go.
i’m afraid that my earlier reply right above may have sounded like i was not actually thanking you - which i was. thanks! the frustrations were just kind of overpowering.
i’m afraid that my earlier reply right above may have sounded like i was not actually thanking you - which i was. thanks! the frustrations were just kind of overpowering.
its annoying i have to sat an uncomfortable truth abt me at therapy today too.
"as much as your mum is threatening you to pay your medical bills, you can't keep packing your schedule to avoid/distract long term. you have to do strategies to cope well doing a slow exposure therapy. if your schedule doesn't look overwhelming, it would be fair for both parties with your mum and you whether your mum likes it or not and I've seen your medical record... you are so sensitive to stress, you really are immunocompromised already. it is you yearning for financial power vs your health here, money will always be easy to earn. even if you have set intentions about work, as long as you're packing your schedule... you're still doing this for your mum, not you. you're doing flexible work now so that means you just started like someone on sabbatical, you're not supposed to work like someone raising kids for starters. you're just started. you're not like them- they're used to doing full time. avoiding is bad enough already, your emdr doesn't work much... cause being an avoidant has been sabotaging your memory while you're not allowing yourself to grieve and all."
"as much as your mum is threatening you to pay your medical bills, you can't keep packing your schedule to avoid/distract long term. you have to do strategies to cope well doing a slow exposure therapy. if your schedule doesn't look overwhelming, it would be fair for both parties with your mum and you whether your mum likes it or not and I've seen your medical record... you are so sensitive to stress, you really are immunocompromised already. it is you yearning for financial power vs your health here, money will always be easy to earn. even if you have set intentions about work, as long as you're packing your schedule... you're still doing this for your mum, not you. you're doing flexible work now so that means you just started like someone on sabbatical, you're not supposed to work like someone raising kids for starters. you're just started. you're not like them- they're used to doing full time. avoiding is bad enough already, your emdr doesn't work much... cause being an avoidant has been sabotaging your memory while you're not allowing yourself to grieve and all."
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therapy is is so fxxxing intense. there is so much I need to do. I've got to come to terms with a bunch of conflicting things and no longer hide. yet two days ago people in group made me feel defensive. I need to justify myself and make clear that that in me that may seem bad, is not. how can I do that? maybe they'd need to live my experience.