How Are You Feeling Right Now?

Jolene

Well-Known Member
What's the PhD in if you don't mind me asking?
I reckon that the reason how you managed to prepare for this successfully is because something inside you kicked in and took over despite of all that you are going through. I don't know, call it a latent form of tenacity, but it seemed to have worked and seems to be keeping you going.
Maybe...or maybe I'm ashamed to leave it. I don't know... But I try to keep going, I passed this milestone, I don't know what I'm going to do after the University approves that and I have to start my research for good.
Well, I prefer not being very specific (I hope nobody here knows me and recogizes me but still...). It has to do with film and theatre. Funny thing: I'm studying in a faculty which hasn't much to do with this subjects but they accepted my proposal. I'm such a stubborn, I wanted that and I managed to get it (as I said, long story, four years fighting for a position applying for universities in three countries and after all I'm studying in a city which is one hour and a half from mine BUT I'll have the chance of spend a few months abroad as I wanted next year or the following)
 

Ash600

Of dust and shadows
SF Creative
SF Supporter
Maybe...or maybe I'm ashamed to leave it. I don't know... But I try to keep going, I passed this milestone, I don't know what I'm going to do after the University approves that and I have to start my research for good.
Well, I prefer not being very specific (I hope nobody here knows me and recogizes me but still...). It has to do with film and theatre. Funny thing: I'm studying in a faculty which hasn't much to do with this subjects but they accepted my proposal. I'm such a stubborn, I wanted that and I managed to get it (as I said, long story, four years fighting for a position applying for universities in three countries and after all I'm studying in a city which is one hour and a half from mine BUT I'll have the chance of spend a few months abroad as I wanted next year or the following)
Film and theatre? That really does sound so amazing.
All credit to to you for sticking at it and getting the uni to accept your proposal. Also, having an opportunity to spend a few months abroad seems such a great thing and a chance for a new adventure.
 

Jolene

Well-Known Member
Film and theatre? That really does sound so amazing.
All credit to to you for sticking at it and getting the uni to accept your proposal. Also, having an opportunity to spend a few months abroad seems such a great thing and a chance for a new adventure.
Thank you. I've wanting to go abroad (again, I have been before for a few months, second best time of my life) for years and I was about to do it three years ago but something happened (not about me) and I couldn't. But now... I can't find that motivation anywhere. My priority is what it is and... Well, that's the most important for me, I'm not enjoying this time of my life or my research...Means nothing to me now. And...well, I've told here lots of time that I don't want to live so when I think in the following two years and a half to finish this...It makes me feel too anxious. Like "what is this for? I don't want to be alive suffering two years more! What if I finish this? Is this going to matter? No, this isn't making me feel better, even this can't console me". So... I keep going unwillingly, I don0t see the point of this anymore but what else can I do? I'm just afraid that one day I won't be able to write or read anymore, just being blocked by my pain and... Nothing else
 

Jolene

Well-Known Member
But maybe doing this will stop you from being blocked?
No, I know myself... I don't find peace or consolation in that. I keep doing it until I can't anymore but my problem is another and without a miracle there, nothing else matters to me (I'm awful, I know, but it's what I feel). At least I managed to do this. I don't know if I will be able to do anything more. Most of the time I don0t want to be alive, I feel that this is a punishment and the world is too much for me, even things like going to the supermarket are too much for me. I do everything, obviously, as my therapist says, I'm fully functional, but I feel that at any moment I will stop being it
 

Ash600

Of dust and shadows
SF Creative
SF Supporter
No, I know myself... I don't find peace or consolation in that. I keep doing it until I can't anymore but my problem is another and without a miracle there, nothing else matters to me (I'm awful, I know, but it's what I feel). At least I managed to do this. I don't know if I will be able to do anything more. Most of the time I don0t want to be alive, I feel that this is a punishment and the world is too much for me, even things like going to the supermarket are too much for me. I do everything, obviously, as my therapist says, I'm fully functional, but I feel that at any moment I will stop being it
Been there myself where the world just seems too much and just want to step off. Just hope one day all that will change for you.
 

Winslow

My Toughest Problem Has Been Solved.
SF Supporter
Like you Winslow I lose my appetite when depressed or despondent. I have to force myself to eat. I've had 2 biscuits today.

Right now I'm feeling numb
Your Numbness is Not bad. It's not joy but it's not sadness either. So at least you're in the safety zone.
By the way, since you mention loss of appetite, I wonder if you are a vegetarian the same as me? Just wondering.
 

Woowoo

SF Artist
Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
Your Numbness is Not bad. It's not joy but it's not sadness either. So at least you're in the safety zone.
By the way, since you mention loss of appetite, I wonder if you are a vegetarian the same as me? Just wondering.
No I'm not a vegetarian Winslow, although I'm not a big meat eater and love vegetarian food.
 
Normal, I guess: confused, and frustrated because I shouldn't be and don't want to be confused. Classes tomorrow and dont want to deal with people. Perpetually tired. All this normal. So. Yeah. Nothing unusually bad.
 
Hi, @weirdjen! We're holding you tight in a huge bear hug. What happened?
Feeling worthless. I come off as a bad person to my sister and family because I told them how I don't want to hear about my oldest brother's success story and think of it as my inspiration. I'm not a big fan of him. I know it's kind of childish but this person did something wrong to me back in my childhood and it was never justified until now. It just sucks that people like him gets lucky in life while I'm still here at the bottom. I guess you can say I have sibling issues. I can never forget how he tormented my life and then, these people I care about is siding with him. I feel so alone in my life. I really suck at communication skills. I just have this urge to feel like I want to die.
 

Alwayswrong

Well-Known Member
First of all, life on society in anything but fair. So, what I do (it helps ME) is go ahead 'wearing blinders (blinkers)'. In Spanish we say "looking at your own dish and not the other's". I can't live anybody else's life (sometimes for the better, too). I just try to do my best with my life. If you do so, you don't even need to question them why they blow the horn of your elder brother's successes, because you measure up only to YOUR OWN expectations.
By the way, I'm aspie, so I'm a disaster at social skills. But THEY CAN BE LEARNED. ;)
 
First of all, life on society in anything but fair. So, what I do (it helps ME) is go ahead 'wearing blinders (blinkers)'. In Spanish we say "looking at your own dish and not the other's". I can't live anybody else's life (sometimes for the better, too). I just try to do my best with my life. If you do so, you don't even need to question them why they blow the horn of your elder brother's successes, because you measure up only to YOUR OWN expectations.
By the way, I'm aspie, so I'm a disaster at social skills. But THEY CAN BE LEARNED. ;)
That's a great advice. Thank you. I was actually trying that before my dad triggered me with his words. He thought I would be encouraged when talks about him. My parents know how I despises him so much and they are aware of that. Again. they tell me to learn how to forget about things. How can I ever forget what he did to me in the past? I wouldn't react negatively if I wasn't triggered. Awhile ago, I went outside to walk and think about it. I decided to just stay away for now and focus on getting back on track with my career and stuff like that.
 

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