I'm feeling good. I've been watching Dr. Gabor Mate on Youtube, who is very famous in Canada for his work with drug addicts in one of the worst neighborhoods in Canada (the Downtown Eastside in Vancouver). He has written several books about trauma and addiction. I tend to view addicts pretty harshly so it's good for me to expand my mind by listening to him talk about the many factors involved. I am so grateful that even though I was badly abused, I was averse to drugs, although I did struggle with addiction to food and other things. I think part of the reason I was so averse to drugs is that I knew I would be very vulnerable to addiction. I've always viewed the "pleasure" of highs as very dangerous. My best friend was an alcoholic who died of liver cirrhosis (he had another physical illness that can cause liver damage as well). He suffered horrible physical and emotional abuse from his mother (who was quite similar to my own mother) and was also sexually abused by his older brother. I really did understand his need for alcohol to numb the pain, although it killed me that he was hurting himself. He died after being sober for several months and relapsing - it was the relapse that killed him.
Since becoming a Stoic (Temperance is one of the 4 main Stoic principles), I have realized that my instincts about the dangers of escaping life through drugs, alcohol and other addictions were quite fortunate. Because I always felt SO DAMN BAD, I was wary that I could become a slave to anything that would take away the pain. Plus since I worked at a sexual assault centre in my early 20s, I knew that being heavily intoxicated is very dangerous for women. From what I witnessed, most rapes involve alcohol or drugs, and it's extremely common for rapists to feed alcohol or drugs to women they intend to rape in order to incapacitate them. Most women I spoke to took these substances willingly, unaware that the men they were with were not getting equally drunk or high and were planning to assault them.