not great. for some reason major depression and anxiety washed over me like a massive wave. i took my lorazepam and for the first time it didn't help at all, will have to take another. things are so bad i have been looking at the bad sites on the internet for the first time in so long i can't remember. will probably go back when i'm done here
mike
Sorry to learn of this mike, I think that, when feeling like this, it is hard to not look for & consider a way out. And so long as things remain in the realm of 'catharsis,' then it is probably not the end of the world, and quite frankly - completely human too... Only thing I might caution for some people, and everybody is different, is that "IF," you found your-self in a place on inexplicable pain, say such as when faced with sudden onset of horrendous storm & tidal wave of what you've experienced tonight. . . (that which knocks you nearly unconscious with its force) - Well, this is when some people can fall prey too, or victim to, an act of impluse.
And so it is for that reason that we've got to be careful not to present the circumstances that would make such a decision, "in the moment," all too easy when we are afforded such luxury as to thinking it is a good & resourceful, a meaningful and impactful, sudden & instant, incredible way to end and get rid of - the pain. I'm sure a lot of people have gone out this way. But as the only saying, or phrase goes, the song (lyric) & so on: 'Whatever gets you through the night...'
While I know you've mentioned in the past, your Wife being understanding and on the same page as you in regards this becoming a possibility (& even maybe an eventuality) one day. Do you happen to know how the rest of your family feels on the subject? Understand, of course, that with all things consideration comes; however we all have our limits, and sometimes, some things, can't be sensibly made sense of.
For if it were that simple, then the stats would be better in our favor. I've found one of the most accurate descriptions to others, for why someone might do this, when they've got such loving caring family members & friends, etc. Is that, while not overly helpful, to me it makes the most sense, "That's how bad it was." That they would be willing to risk, and sacrifice that--or to bypass all (of) that (love).
Again, I think that for me, and this doesn't work for everybody. What's right for me, may be dead wrong for you, or somebody else~
But to, or for me: not having options, or removing all knowledge & access is best . . . for when in these moments that which you have so excellently described.
Just know and understand, as I'm sure you do, that is won't always endure or be this way continuously. Which is kind of another way of saying, it will pass at some point, and not be this bad indefinitely and without (any) relief. Will it return? I guess so, but hopefully you will be able to once again ride the wave with aplomb; & without fail. Not that to not do so would be a failure, in my estimation. But more, a tragedy and a loss. That would impact many and the suffering, I understand, is excruciating to stomach, sometimes. So I do get why you do what you do.
