How Are You Feeling Right Now?

[AvidFan]

I am not feel very well, I am extremely lonely and no longer know anymore how to make friends, how to contact people, I am very tired that everybody has dumped me, stabbed me, neglected me . I lost hope. I cannot be myself. I am tired of lying that everything is ok when it is not, but nobody can see me weak. People do not realize that it is an act of mercy to let me die if they cannot help me. I cannot help myself anymore. Nobody calls me, Nobody invites me. I am extremely scared. I helped a lot of people and at least I need appreciation. All the people can see is my defects. Nobody can see good in me. I do nine thing right but one wrong only they concentrate in the wrong one. I am trying to hard but without conections, love and support I cannot function anymore. All the group therapy programs were useless all the notes are catching dust as I do not have interest to revisit them as I do not have anybody to share. I can no longer stay in this earth. People should realize how miserable I am and I cannot hold anymore. At least people should try to make an attempt how I am doing. <mod edit: timeline> I do not have more options. I tried everything and nothing works

So sorry to hear how you feel. I often struggle with what friends have done to me, pretty much abandoning me. I just don't seem important to anyone. I'm sorry similar things have been your experience. This forum is one of my few positive ways of interacting with others but it's something. I keep deferring my self destruction urges to a vague point in the future and just try to live day by day, some days with more success than others.

I hope you can find a reason to keep going and I'm sorry it's so hard for you.

 

[Bergerac]

Gosh, the long e-mails I write in pursuit of this job! Will I actually ever get it? Lol.

 

[AvidFan]

Avoidant. Don't want to check work emails or start the admin tasks, don't want to deal with the maintenance shit today.

 

[Bergerac]

Avoidant. Don't want to check work emails or start the admin tasks, don't want to deal with the maintenance shit today.

I've had to force myself, I will admit. It's hard.

 

[Lane]

I am not feel very well, I am extremely lonely and no longer know anymore how to make friends, how to contact people, I am very tired that everybody has dumped me, stabbed me, neglected me . I lost hope. I cannot be myself. I am tired of lying that everything is ok when it is not, but nobody can see me weak. People do not realize that it is an act of mercy to let me die if they cannot help me. I cannot help myself anymore. Nobody calls me, Nobody invites me. I am extremely scared. I helped a lot of people and at least I need appreciation. All the people can see is my defects. Nobody can see good in me. I do nine thing right but one wrong only they concentrate in the wrong one. I am trying to hard but without conections, love and support I cannot function anymore. All the group therapy programs were useless all the notes are catching dust as I do not have interest to revisit them as I do not have anybody to share. I can no longer stay in this earth. People should realize how miserable I am and I cannot hold anymore. At least people should try to make an attempt how I am doing. <mod edit: timeline> I do not have more options. I tried everything and nothing works

Thank you for sharing how you feel zuzu. Sorry that you are struggling so hard. You're definitely correct in that people should at least make an attempt to reach out and make plans for a quick bite to eat, a walk in the park, something. Your post hits home for me, as far as people not trying to keep in touch or only sending things from tik Tok.

You are a fine person and we here at SF want you to stay here in this earth and be safe. You're friendship is welcome here no matter frame of mind you're in ZuZu and I do hope life brings you some peace soon. Have you thought about or are you able to take any classes that interest you from the community education section of your town? That's helped me get out and have something to look forward to as well as be around like minded people.

 

[snails]

Really terrible, mentally and physically.

 

[AvidFan]

Really terrible, mentally and physically.

Sorry to hear that @snails 😢

 

[Livelife]

Really terrible, mentally and physically.

🥲

 

[AvidFan]

Defeated. Just drew up the courage to call the builder who rang me last night. Sounded a bit startled, said he's going on holiday today so he'll call me when he gets back next week. Why do I find myself not believing this? The other guy who actually spoke to me and gave me advice never got back to me with a quote when I sent the measurements. This just feels like it's impossible to sort out at this point and I might as well just give up and let nature take its course and hope I die before it becomes an urgent issue. Even if I had the money to pay for the work, nobody is available or interested. I hate it when people like my sister call me negative when I have problems, but I could have predicted it would be like this which is why I kept putting it off. It's like she'll say why not apply for a job at x, y or z, when there are 1000 competitors for the job in this sector and they're all 30 years younger than I am and haven't been self-employed for 20 years. The chances are slim to none. I've tried and tried and I need a break from it. At the moment I still have no idea what the extent of the cost is going to be. It could be £500, it could be £10,000. Nobody is going to bother for £500, that seems certain! The only person who gave me a quote was lying and could have made the problems worse.... I think it's time to survive the week and reboot, I am feeling better by the day but I still have to be really careful with stress after everything I have been through the last weeks and months. My nervous system isn't very stress resistant at the moment. So just kick the can down the road, survive another week, one day at a time.

 

[AvidFan]

Is it just a pipe dream? Just seen a one bedroom flat by the sea that is £50k less than my house value. I could port my current mortgage, apparently. With the equity I have I could get rid of this piece of shit house and let someone else figure it all out, then pay some hefty service charge so someone else can sort the roof and walls, and not having a garden would be a blessing. I'm not up to it yet but this is the idea at the back of my mind. It's all fucking complicated like how would I keep working, there are costs, it would be stressful, but at the moment it seems possible. This is nearly what I did in 2022. But then the Truss Budget and mortgage rates fiasco fucked it all up. At the time I was relieved, as I didn't have to go through selling and moving and I thought I'd been saved. But maybe I was supposed to go there? But the thought of a new life, in a beautiful place.... Maybe. Maybe. Won't be until next year but will maybe give me chance to regroup and get well and stop worrying about every fucking falling apart bit of this house.

 

[1Lefty]

Is it just a pipe dream? Just seen a one bedroom flat by the sea that is £50k less than my house value. I could port my current mortgage, apparently. With the equity I have I could get rid of this piece of shit house and let someone else figure it all out, then pay some hefty service charge so someone else can sort the roof and walls, and not having a garden would be a blessing. I'm not up to it yet but this is the idea at the back of my mind. It's all fucking complicated like how would I keep working, there are costs, it would be stressful, but at the moment it seems possible. This is nearly what I did in 2022. But then the Truss Budget and mortgage rates fiasco fucked it all up. At the time I was relieved, as I didn't have to go through selling and moving and I thought I'd been saved. But maybe I was supposed to go there? But the thought of a new life, in a beautiful place.... Maybe. Maybe. Won't be until next year but will maybe give me chance to regroup and get well and stop worrying about every fucking falling apart bit of this house.

Sorry you're going through problems with your house, but it sounds like you may have a solution in mind
Good luck

peace

 

[AvidFan]

Sorry you're going through problems with your house, but it sounds like you may have a solution in mind
Good luck

peace

Maybe, though the amount of stress involved in moving house right now fills me with utter and complete dread. Not sure why I am so bad at things like this as I am organised enough to have been self employed/run a business for all these years. But maybe I will have time to gear up for it all and I can look into it as a sort of distraction!

 

[1964dodge]

Being myself just isnt good enough.

 

[1964dodge]

More energy today for some strange reason. Also upset i spend the entire week of alone time sick, so i couldn't enjoy it like i wanted to.

 

[1964dodge]

Vulnerable, raw. Nothing in particular happening, but I am flailing at work, which is usually the one area of my life where I feel like I have some control. I need a hug and 100mg of dex-amphetamine to push me through this day.
j/k about the drugs, mostly.

 

[1964dodge]

confused, sad, defective, frustrated

after a decrease in the dosage of my mood stabilizer, I'm noticing severe irritability and impulsivity
this is after going from 200 mg lamotrigine to 150 a few weeks ago
I don't know whether to wait, and see whether I adapt to the change or whether to start taking 200 again
I was only taking 100 a couple of years ago (though I don't remember what my impulsivity/irritability was like then)
I really hate the side effects, I don't know whether the tradeoffs are worth it
I'm thinking more about ctb too

peace

the important factor is to work with your doctor closely and honestly to work through this as a team

mike.....

 

[1964dodge]

Scared, in pain, agitated, shaky, useless, worthless, stupid.

i hope today is better but i can say with all certainty you are not useless, worthless or stupid

mike....

 

[1964dodge]

old, broken, constipated, penniless, bored, in pain, life is so pointless, want out so bad, ashamed as to how I have wasted my life

i know how you feel and i completely agree but we do have to wait until they call us home. i am very ready to go home now and i wish i could but suicide isn't really an opton

mike....

 

[AvidFan]

Tired but not as tired as I was last night, so that's a win.

 

[Windhover]

descending or slipping sideways