How Are You Feeling Right Now?

[Inanimate]

This sadness feels like forever. I don’t want to die, but I don’t want to live my life. If I could just sleep through it all, then forget all about it as if it were just a long, terrible dream, I fucking would.

 

[Inanimate]

You are at least in some small way not alone here.

I suppose that’s what I’m counting on when I offload my problems here seemingly to no end.

 

[Lane]

I think my remaining cat is dying. She eats very little, rejects treats and meat , sleeps much more than usual and shows less interest in anything. I guess I have to bring her back to the vet which will cost me a lot but she is my last one. Actually I got her because of my daughter but she’s been living with me all her life.
i want a few years without having to get a cat sitter all the time but I wasn’t expecting that so soon. But one less responsibility if I decide to ctb.

She or he is lucky to have you by her side. It's hard when they get ill so unexpectedly. 😿

 

[Lane]

I’m hurting really badly right now. I’m so angry about so many things. Mostly because of the cruel treatment I received at the hospital. I am not exaggerating. They actively did things to me that they knew would increase my suffering that I was already in. They knew this was hurting me because I told them that these things were making me feel worse and I was already in crisis or I wouldn’t have gone to the hospital in the first place. So I tried to advocate for myself and set boundaries, but because I didn’t walk on eggshells around them, I was punished. Fuck those guys.

Anyway, I can’t stop thinking about it. I know that inappropriate treatment is hardly torture, but it is still traumatizing because I couldn’t leave. They added three days to my sentence, err… stay, because I tried to discharge AMA even after assurances at intake that I could leave when I felt I needed to because I had admitted voluntarily. So they even lied to me and failed to transfer me when I said my treatment was inappropriate.

Now, I’m grumpy about every little inconvenience because my mind is completely overrun with resentment. I am back to considering suicide, now. Not because of the impulse to do so due to my symptoms, but because I don’t think I can live with this burning rage.

I'm sorry to hear how you were treated. Please stay safe. Its because of the way hospitals treated pregnant women (going back 30 years) that I decided to have my children born at home after my hospital experience with my first. I don't agree with all that they do to a healthy female.

I've heard similar stories to your post about having to walk on eggshells, and staff being very controlling in hospitals. I'm glad you're out and here posting LumberJack.

 

[Lane]

This sadness feels like forever. I don’t want to die, but I don’t want to live my life. If I could just sleep through it all, then forget all about it as if it were just a long, terrible dream, I fucking would.

I hope you can find some peace Inanimate. Sorry to hear how hard life is right now.

 

[Lane]

Disappointed and, struggling

I'm back at the previous (higher) dose of the mood stabilizer lamotrigine
I talked with my pdoc on Thursday, and after talking about recent events/thoughts, she strongly suggested that I go back to the higher dose
I deferred to her judgement, reluctantly, but also recognized that she is trained to observe and recommend objectively, which I can't do
I'm in the center of my mental illness, and my perceptions are skewed
She also said that I seemed to be resisting a diagnosis of bipolar, and that it required me to be treated with medication
She's right, but part of me still thinks that if I can get the thoughts and feelings oriented correctly in my mind, then I'll be normal
I remember feeling positive and resilient at a lower dose of both the mood stabilizer and anti-depressant, but that may have been the early manic stages of a mood swing,
I feel like I'm defective, to need chemical restraints to live normally, or at least with minimal examples of acting like an a**hole
I want to cry now, but I can't, the mood stabilizer has that effect on me, along with other side effects, I can't laugh either
Is it really living?

peace

You are not defective just dealing with a lot of issues right now. I find that my medicine has the effect of numbing my feelings too. I wonder what it would be like to feel otherwise Lefty.

I think you're doing great handling things the way you are for whatever that's worth. You got this.

 

[Lane]

I'm doing ok and feeling a bit nervous lately as bills pile up. My son has shirked his responsibilities around the house, little things like trimming the bushes, and cleaning out the garbage pails, he's 26. I guess my problems could be worse. My fiance is coming to visit for 5 days for my birthday, but tbh I'm so used to doing everything on my own it's weird having someone in my house now, worrying about another person for meals, having him drop me off for work, having less room in the bed. 🤷 I feel like I'm just drifting through life.

 

[Aurelia]

I’m hurting really badly right now. I’m so angry about so many things. Mostly because of the cruel treatment I received at the hospital. I am not exaggerating. They actively did things to me that they knew would increase my suffering that I was already in. They knew this was hurting me because I told them that these things were making me feel worse and I was already in crisis or I wouldn’t have gone to the hospital in the first place. So I tried to advocate for myself and set boundaries, but because I didn’t walk on eggshells around them, I was punished. Fuck those guys.

Anyway, I can’t stop thinking about it. I know that inappropriate treatment is hardly torture, but it is still traumatizing because I couldn’t leave. They added three days to my sentence, err… stay, because I tried to discharge AMA even after assurances at intake that I could leave when I felt I needed to because I had admitted voluntarily. So they even lied to me and failed to transfer me when I said my treatment was inappropriate.

Now, I’m grumpy about every little inconvenience because my mind is completely overrun with resentment. I am back to considering suicide, now. Not because of the impulse to do so due to my symptoms, but because I don’t think I can live with this burning rage.

You're the one hurting yourself by refusing to forgive these people. How you were treated was wrong, but being enraged about it and wanting to hurt yourself isn't going to accomplish anything. Forgiveness will. People make mistakes, and certainly, some are in the wrong profession. But even those who are in the right profession are sometimes pressured by rules and policies of the organization that they work for to treat patients a certain way, even if they themselves may not agree with said treatment. You have to move on from this. I don't know if you believe in God but all we have to do is ask and He always forgives us. Because we are so freely forgiven for our own mistakes, we should also forgive our brothers and sisters when they sin against us.

 

[Aurelia]

This sadness feels like forever. I don’t want to die, but I don’t want to live my life. If I could just sleep through it all, then forget all about it as if it were just a long, terrible dream, I fucking would.

It hurts my heart to know that you're in so much pain. I know there's nothing I can do about it, so I pray for you constantly that you will get some relief because although I may not be able to ease your pain, I know there is a God is heaven who can.

 

[puffymilk]

A bit better

 

[HappyKitty]

Usual day. Other than bantering with my cousin, the kitties love the toys and treats I bought but still experimenting them the meals. They are fussy eaters.😹

 

[Astrid78]

Had a realization that I'm alive simply so the billionaire, pedophilic politicians I don't vote for can continue being billionaire pedophilic politicians. Everyone should just quit participating in society.

 

[Brân]

Anxious. I noticed one of my pupils isn't dilating properly so is always tiny while the other changes. I'm frantically flicking through old pictures to see how recent, but I think it's a change in the last few weeks - combined with chronic migraines and pain around the affected eye.

It's likely fine/something easy to fix according to doctor interwebs but not being able to see someone til the 30th is a bit anxiety inducing (which apparently can be a cause).

 

[LumberJack]

You're the one hurting yourself by refusing to forgive these people. How you were treated was wrong, but being enraged about it and wanting to hurt yourself isn't going to accomplish anything. Forgiveness will. People make mistakes, and certainly, some are in the wrong profession. But even those who are in the right profession are sometimes pressured by rules and policies of the organization that they work for to treat patients a certain way, even if they themselves may not agree with said treatment. You have to move on from this. I don't know if you believe in God but all we have to do is ask and He always forgives us. Because we are so freely forgiven for our own mistakes, we should also forgive our brothers and sisters when they sin against us.

I totally get that. I don’t believe in a god that hands down rewards and punishment. This is not a flippant rejection, but rather I have studied theology, ethics and religion so deeply that I can no longer accept the idea of a god that is involved with human affairs.

Which is not to say I disagree with your underlying point about forgiveness and moving on. Trust me, I have been trying. I desperately want to forgive, but it’s been 7 months and I’m still unable to release my resentment. I have similarly put significant effort into moving on. It is not in my nature to be so stuck on events that turned out badly for me, but this individual event keeps coming up for me, and nothing I have done has so much as mitigated my anger.

So I would love to hear any suggestions about what I could physically do to come to forgiveness.

 

[LumberJack]

I'm sorry to hear how you were treated. Please stay safe. Its because of the way hospitals treated pregnant women (going back 30 years) that I decided to have my children born at home after my hospital experience with my first. I don't agree with all that they do to a healthy female.

I've heard similar stories to your post about having to walk on eggshells, and staff being very controlling in hospitals. I'm glad you're out and here posting LumberJack.

Thank you, it’s good to hear that other people understand. This is a different topic, but I have heard about the way women are treated in healthcare, and it seems barbaric. We still have a long way to go as a society in treatment every human being as an actual human being.

 

[AvidFan]

Today is turning into hell on earth 😢

 

[LumberJack]

Had a realization that I'm alive simply so the billionaire, pedophilic politicians I don't vote for can continue being billionaire pedophilic politicians. Everyone should just quit participating in society.

Completely agree, although sadly.

It’s not just politicians. In fact I would argue that the politicians are pawns of the corporate elite.

I would rather opt out of capitalism, but it’s the only option. Going off the grid and growing your own food, etc. is only possible for significantly wealthy individuals, and even then it’s a dicey position.

 

[mosaic hearts]

The whelps still itch.

I'l have to call Primary doctor. But I don't want to.

I don't like doctors, either, @Angie, but they're necessary sometimes. Thinking of you & sitting with you in spirit if it helps. Hugs galore, too!

P.S. You may need something stronger for those welts. I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

[mosaic hearts]

I think my remaining cat is dying. She eats very little, rejects treats and meat , sleeps much more than usual and shows less interest in anything. I guess I have to bring her back to the vet which will cost me a lot but she is my last one. Actually I got her because of my daughter but she’s been living with me all her life.
i want a few years without having to get a cat sitter all the time but I wasn’t expecting that so soon. But one less responsibility if I decide to ctb.

Oh God, I'm so sorry. I have an 11-year-old Maine Coon Cross kitty named Abby but have lost other kitties in the past. Please take your baby to the vet. If she can't be saved, then she can be put down so that she doesn't suffer. I'm so sorry. I really am. I'm still grieving over the loss of my kitten Bella that I lost 12 years ago because of a vet mistake. Hugs & love coming your way if okay.

 

[mosaic hearts]

Today is turning into hell on earth 😢

I'm sorry you're feeling so badly. Listening if you want to talk about it. Sitting with you if you don't. 💕