I don’t have it in me to cry, scream, plead for help, and resist things as they are by dreaming of a future that will never come to pass. That’s not to say that I will accept this reality. I’m simply taking the day to disappear into this newfound plane of desolation and wallow in this stillness while it lasts.
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How Are You Feeling Right Now?
- Thread starter UNREGISTERED0000
- Start date
I'm feeling awful right now. Everyone with DID has C-PTSD. Child alters who hold the memories & pain of what happened are really sick with severe C-PTSD. I have quite a few little ones that are very distressed about what they went through. I'm switching a lot & they're coming out to draw & write & cry. It's so hard to go through this. I have blackouts when my alters come out but I can feel their emotional & physical suffering as I'm switching & then when I come back. It's really bad write now. It often happens at night or the evening. When we were being ab*sed. This isn't any fun. Anyone who things DID & C-PTSD is fun is out of their mind. I'm not feeling suicidal right now. I'm too engulfed with the distress of my inside kids. I remember a lot of things like bullying in school & lesser sexu*l ab*ses. But the really severe things I have no memories at all. They're helps by my alters. Even after having some very good therapy with my retired counselor, I still think that my alters that went through the really bad stuff aren't me even though intellectually I know they are. It's silly. But that's how it feels to me. They are "not me" like what they suffered is "not my" suffering. I wish I could call someone right now. But it' almost 1:05 am where I am. Sorry for going all over the place. I would call my friend on Vancouver Island but she's sleeping. Her daughter which is one year younger than me is having knee replacement surgery on Friday. She doesn't need for me to add to her stress. Though she informed me that one of my protectors told her that I'm suicidal for many months. Apparently they had a talk for over an hour & he spilled the beans & gave away all my secrets. I'm really mad at him. I didn't want her to know that. For many reasons among them not wanting to loose a friend, not wanting to scare her, & not wanting to burden her. He even told her about past aborted & interrupted attempts. I didn't want her to know about that. Sorry. I'm rambling. I'm crying as I write this. I wish I could talk to someone who understands the suffering that comes from severe trauma. I'm trying to control myself write now. I don't want to switch here. My eyes are jerking & I'm really lightheaded & spacy & my thoughts are.becoming child-like. I gotta go now. Even though I'm having a really hard time at the moment I'm not suicidal. I'm physically safe. Emotionally not so much. Please, if someone could say a prayer for me. I try to be brave under these circumstances. But sometimes bravery alludes me.😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Fucking dazed. Bad night, woke at 6am feeling annoyed about waking up and anxious about trying to juggle crazy work schedule with this fucking builder guy who's like a fucking slippery fish. Lay in bed till about 9am, when I got up my phone is blowing up with work stuff I don't feel up to dealing with right now. Not even "woken up" properly. I say "woken up" in quotes because you have to have been asleep to wake up. I'm due to finish work at 8.30 this evening 😒
Sorry everyone if what I wrote above has upset someone. I don't have much memory of writing it. I didn't mean to upset anybody. 
Your posts are not upsetting, other than folks feeling empathy and wanting to help.
You really aren't alone, there are other members here with DID and C-PTSD. Some with only C-PTSD, some with both. I have both myself.
Let me encourage you that, as you work through the healing process, it WILL get better. At the time of the healing it feels like one will die it hurts so much, but you (and me) are strong and a survivor, and much more than surviving, you will eventually thrive.
Keep posting, you are welcome and cared for here.
Anxious. Not panic level anxious, but I am so overloaded and underslept, and just read that there is a storm coming to my area. Not sure if I can cope with any damage that happens, financially or emotionally, just now. I just wanted a long weekend without any hassles to try to recover from everything I've been going through. Will have to pray things are OK.
Talking is always challenging. Why? I ask this rhetorically. What could I possibly say and why would anyone care?
Why is ever the word of the day. I lie awake, but I don’t know why. I feel compelled to get out of bed and do something with myself, but still I ask “Why?”
Why are the objects of my most fervent desires a pipe dream? Why are even the simplest, most prevalent comforts beyond my reach?
More than anything, why am I still talking?
Why is ever the word of the day. I lie awake, but I don’t know why. I feel compelled to get out of bed and do something with myself, but still I ask “Why?”
Why are the objects of my most fervent desires a pipe dream? Why are even the simplest, most prevalent comforts beyond my reach?
More than anything, why am I still talking?