How Are You Feeling Right Now?

[1964dodge]

I went to bed early (for me) last night so that I could wake up early and get my errands done before it’s too hot out. Yes, I have a/c in my car, but it’s got a lot of work to do when it’s 90+ outside and 120 f inside the car because covered parking is just not a thing here.

I got out of bed and thought I would have a relaxing morning and make my to-do list as per my usual routine. I was enjoying listening to music and having the screen door open with a fan bringing in fresh air from outside.

Then, out of nowhere, I went from feeling ok, maybe even content, to my entire world going dark. That’s not the right word visually, but that’s exactly how it felt inside. Just…. The sun is gone, and nothing will ever get better or even slow down the pace at which it is getting worse. I don’t want to be alive and wish I had never been born. I’m going to take it as a sign that I need to have a slower pace today. I’m going to treat myself like someone who needs my attention. It’s almost entirely loneliness, although there’s plenty more to be upset about. I’m thinking of who I might call. It would be nice to chat with a relative for no particular reason, but I’m afraid that I might stress them out if they ask how I am doing, and I answer honestly.

I feel like I don’t belong. Not as in location, but rather as in belonging anywhere is an attribute entirely unavailable to me because of the essence of the thing I call myself. It hurts.

 

[AvidFan]

I went to bed early (for me) last night so that I could wake up early and get my errands done before it’s too hot out. Yes, I have a/c in my car, but it’s got a lot of work to do when it’s 90+ outside and 120 f inside the car because covered parking is just not a thing here.

I got out of bed and thought I would have a relaxing morning and make my to-do list as per my usual routine. I was enjoying listening to music and having the screen door open with a fan bringing in fresh air from outside.

Then, out of nowhere, I went from feeling ok, maybe even content, to my entire world going dark. That’s not the right word visually, but that’s exactly how it felt inside. Just…. The sun is gone, and nothing will ever get better or even slow down the pace at which it is getting worse. I don’t want to be alive and wish I had never been born. I’m going to take it as a sign that I need to have a slower pace today. I’m going to treat myself like someone who needs my attention. It’s almost entirely loneliness, although there’s plenty more to be upset about. I’m thinking of who I might call. It would be nice to chat with a relative for no particular reason, but I’m afraid that I might stress them out if they ask how I am doing, and I answer honestly.

I feel like I don’t belong. Not as in location, but rather as in belonging anywhere is an attribute entirely unavailable to me because of the essence of the thing I call myself. It hurts.

I hope you can slow the pace and give yourself your full attention.

 

[ClassicsFan]

Sweaty.

 

[AvidFan]

Ready for my bed.

 

[KM76710]

Ready for my bed.

That is a feeling I get pretty early so many days. Dreamland and nodding off for a spell.

 

[ClassicsFan]

Groggy.

 

[Inanimate]

It’s almost entirely loneliness, although there’s plenty more to be upset about.

I feel like I don’t belong. Not as in location, but rather as in belonging anywhere is an attribute entirely unavailable to me because of the essence of the thing I call myself. It hurts.

I understand completely.

 

[Lane]

Going through the motions but not living my real life

 

[cinnnamonflakez]

It's been strange lately. I feel like my brain is happy but my mind isn't. Does that make sense?

 

[AvidFan]

Dazed and a bit nauseous. I was Ok after my walk, then played a self hypnosis recording to relax, but it's blinking floored me. Felt groggy and tired ever since. I was supposed to come out of it relaxed and refreshed but feel like I've been run over. I managed to eat my supper but don't think I'll stay up long now.

 

[1964dodge]

Going through the motions but not living my real life

 

[1964dodge]

doing pretty much ok enough

mike

 

[Windhover]

feel like I don’t belong. Not as in location, but rather as in belonging anywhere is an attribute entirely unavailable to me because of the essence of the thing I call myself. It hurts.

For me this is a chronic condition. I think it's why I'm compelled to move to new places, travel, and search.

 

[SillyOldBear]

doing pretty much ok enough

mike

 

[cymbele]

Okay I guess. I feel tired as in an overwhelming sense of being over-burdened. This type of tiredness is what I would like to have a therapist to talk to about the pressures that I am facing right now. But even if I was to search and get one tomorrow I would have to start at the beginning of all my troubles and never get the help I need right now. And I need to make decisions NOW.

 

[3nufk1n.sheepies]

slightly triggered. so thank apoxia im medded on pregab atm.

the internet always triggers me. all these people remind me of my brother that shamed me in a very personal way. it makes me so insecure over my hobbies, interests, fashion sense, vocabulary, way of writing, etc and spiral very easily.

even walking to the nearest shop is triggering. especially when theres loads of people. getting onto a bus is mildly triggering but being catcalled or smth is major triggering.

and the response i get while triggered - intense emotional agony and over reactions and impulsive venting - that in itself is triggering, because it's not typical of the kind of person I want to be like considering how intenselt my upbringing influenced my sense of identity and self-worth.

 

[3nufk1n.sheepies]

slightly triggered. so thank apoxia im medded on pregab atm.

the internet always triggers me. all these people remind me of my brother that shamed me in a very personal way. it makes me so insecure over my hobbies, interests, fashion sense, vocabulary, way of writing, etc and spiral very easily.

even walking to the nearest shop is triggering. especially when theres loads of people. getting onto a bus is mildly triggering but being catcalled or smth is major triggering.

and the response i get while triggered - intense emotional agony and over reactions and impulsive venting - that in itself is triggering, because it's not typical of the kind of person I want to be like considering how intenselt my upbringing influenced my sense of identity and self-worth.

TRAUMA DUMPS PRT 2

now im spiralling a tad bit even more bc Instagram person (met over reddit, supposed to be another trans ftm lad relating to all my identity distress) has not responded to my complaints. Hence no one takes me seriously and I am the most dramatic person ever I will always be sexualised and never pass as a cute absent-minded twink I am so doomed

yesterday was bliss, no internet allowed, device locked in a first aid bag, tunks of smoke and pregab.

i hate how i dont type lowercase with abbreviations, how i post massive over emotional vents to strangers, how neighbours misgender me and call me slut dramatic etc, im not underweight, i dont pass, im obsessed with what others think

it makes me suicidal

 

[AvidFan]

Okay I guess. I feel tired as in an overwhelming sense of being over-burdened. This type of tiredness is what I would like to have a therapist to talk to about the pressures that I am facing right now. But even if I was to search and get one tomorrow I would have to start at the beginning of all my troubles and never get the help I need right now. And I need to make decisions NOW.

I'm sorry. I know that kind of tiredness and am going through it right now. I hope the burdens ease for you.

 

[AvidFan]

Ill, probably. I don't know. Last night I just started feeling completely mentally gone and started spiralling. Forced myself to eat, tried to watch something light, but it was like the light had gone out in my head. I went to bed at 11pm hoping I could get a long sleep but expecting I'd probably wake up at 3am and be unable to really get back to sleep. I woke up at 3am and was awake between then and about 5am but somehow managed to doze off for a bit longer, had to force myself to stay in bed, doing deep breathing, but then woke up again and felt so restless I got up half an hour ago. Working 2 jobs is killing me I think, on top of the house pressures, health problems and losing my usual social outlet and exercise all at the same time. Life isn't going to let up so I'm going to have to carve something out. I don't know how, my diary is solidly committed for the next few weeks, at least it's not long day, just meetings and commutes a lot of days and remote meetings on the other days. Have just had a weekend and don't feel in the slightest recharged. Am going to take today off as have no meetings, might have to do something to clear a small admin backlog as it's stressing me sitting there, but aside from that my body is screaming for rest. As usual, weird body stats - blood pressure bang on normal, resting heart rate of a zen monk 10,000 metre runner....

 

[AvidFan]

I am in triage mode. There is some stuff I absolutely have to do today but I also need to try to make the day as easy as possible. So I need to set some time aside for the bullshit, do the bullshit, then dump it for the rest of the day. I also don't want to spend most of the day putting it off instead of resting as much as I can as that won't be restful. It's not even hard stuff, most of it. Just pointless admin. And I need to check the work emails in case anyone is breathing down my neck. They'll have to breathe hard because I am just not capable of functioning like a good little efficient human drone today.