Recenty, I've gotten a foothold on a bit of mindfulness, thought as with most things I doubt my ability to hold on to it. But that's another instance of what I'm referring to here. I realise I've thought myself into a series of closed loops. One action which unlocks these is taking a step back and looking at it like a supposed assignment in a class at uni, with my thoughts as hypothetical belieffs of some other person. I know this is sorta convoluted but in order to be safe I have got to move on past certain stuck points. I'm going to avail myself of almost anything that helps.
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How Are You Feeling Right Now?
- Thread starter UNREGISTERED0000
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Usually when I'm in pain, it becomes my new normal and I can function even though it's still there and breaks thru occasionally. This doesn't take more than a few hours.
Since yesterday, though, it's been non-stop distracting me and interfering with my ability to even think straight. It's so fucking much and it's distorting my view of myself and anything else. I can't go to the hospital or they won't let me leave, whether it's helping or making me worse. I don't know how much more I can stand. Every moment seems harder than the one preceding it. I know better. Things change and moods pass. I keep forgetting that. People get to abuse me and suffer no consequences because I can't afford a lawyer at a high enough level to make the abusers and con artists have an incentive to treat their clients better in the future.
I have no job and no prospects. I will have to start drawing down my retirement savings to even pay the rent. That comes with a 40% haircut because it's taxable as income (so 27%), and a 10% penalty for taking money out before whatever age it becomes okay. I'm not positive about the percentages, but it's quite substantial. On the bright side, I have made so little money this year that I'm probably going to have no taxes, except for the gains on the stocks I'm selling off to pay rent and groceries.
I don't even want to get older. As I get older and health problems accumulate, I'm going to need more healthcare to have any hopes for not suffering intensely until I die, but the insurance I pay for will just deny and hope I'm too sick to fight back. The US health care system has been broken for a long time, and it's only getting worse. God forbid insurance companies fulfill the promises that they are supposed to make good on in exchange for collecting premiums. How could they pay their CEO and other executives $100s of millions a year salaries with bonuses without kicking people off when they get sick, and then letting them die before the sick person could sue - because they are too sick to fight and the insurance corp. makes sure they stay that way?
I feel ridiculous for playing the victim, and yet being poorer than the top 1% by net worth meas we're all screwed.
Since yesterday, though, it's been non-stop distracting me and interfering with my ability to even think straight. It's so fucking much and it's distorting my view of myself and anything else. I can't go to the hospital or they won't let me leave, whether it's helping or making me worse. I don't know how much more I can stand. Every moment seems harder than the one preceding it. I know better. Things change and moods pass. I keep forgetting that. People get to abuse me and suffer no consequences because I can't afford a lawyer at a high enough level to make the abusers and con artists have an incentive to treat their clients better in the future.
I have no job and no prospects. I will have to start drawing down my retirement savings to even pay the rent. That comes with a 40% haircut because it's taxable as income (so 27%), and a 10% penalty for taking money out before whatever age it becomes okay. I'm not positive about the percentages, but it's quite substantial. On the bright side, I have made so little money this year that I'm probably going to have no taxes, except for the gains on the stocks I'm selling off to pay rent and groceries.
I don't even want to get older. As I get older and health problems accumulate, I'm going to need more healthcare to have any hopes for not suffering intensely until I die, but the insurance I pay for will just deny and hope I'm too sick to fight back. The US health care system has been broken for a long time, and it's only getting worse. God forbid insurance companies fulfill the promises that they are supposed to make good on in exchange for collecting premiums. How could they pay their CEO and other executives $100s of millions a year salaries with bonuses without kicking people off when they get sick, and then letting them die before the sick person could sue - because they are too sick to fight and the insurance corp. makes sure they stay that way?
I feel ridiculous for playing the victim, and yet being poorer than the top 1% by net worth meas we're all screwed.
Baffled. I got home to find all my bins in the front garden area rearranged and when I got in the house there was just a business card from the roofer who came to look at the roof the other week. No invoice, no message, no clue what it means. It's been pouring all day, not the best weather for pointing a roof, but what do I know? Something's been done as I found a bit of rock on my window ledge. Not sure where that came from. Just hope I don't look tomorrow and see half the roof gone. Maybe the card is some cryptic invocation to get in touch to find out what he wants/wanted/ask how do I pay. I would have thought he'd want paying for the job and at least say he'd done it. No idea. In any case I've checked upstairs and the ceilings haven't imploded with rainwater so I suppose that's something to be thankful for....
Apart from that, I feel clearer headed than I have in some time, despite a long work day. And the bus ride was like first class luxury tonight with only a smattering of people upstairs...
Apart from that, I feel clearer headed than I have in some time, despite a long work day. And the bus ride was like first class luxury tonight with only a smattering of people upstairs...
I am sorry you are in so much pain and despair @LumberJack
Kind of feel like I am not wanted and invisible today
I got the number for Derbyshire mental health care from my doc and rang today 3 times got put in a line started at 4th and then 7th and 8th each time I hit one and the phone does the hang up noise and I left with no help nearly threw the phone at the wall after the 3rd time
Also got an appointment on Thursday that I really could do with it out with the weather and just starting to get better from the flu but they will not change it
I got the number for Derbyshire mental health care from my doc and rang today 3 times got put in a line started at 4th and then 7th and 8th each time I hit one and the phone does the hang up noise and I left with no help nearly threw the phone at the wall after the 3rd time
Also got an appointment on Thursday that I really could do with it out with the weather and just starting to get better from the flu but they will not change it
I don't know and suppose it's unlikely if it'll help but I know the feeling @cinnnamonflakez .
I wish I could remove my anxiety forever or at least a while, to do some things without it dominating the whole situation.
I wish I could remove my anxiety forever or at least a while, to do some things without it dominating the whole situation.
Panicked. So the roofer did the work yesterday and left a large chunk of chipped masonry on the window ledge. Did the work just before it pissed down, so no idea how it's going to hold. Asked him how I could pay - said he'll collect it or I can post it to his house - no bank transfer then. And dodged the question about the chunk. So even though he's a member of the local trading standards approved scheme, he still only takes dodgy cash in hand and doesn't pay tax like I have to and is vague and unhelpful after doing the job.
I noticed outside it was torrential rain and very windy. I thought this is the first test of the window sealing job I paid £200 for in September. It failed. Water is again seeping in from the top somewhere. I thought it was the seal. But I had that fixed. So it must the lintel somehow. I still don't know what's going on and I've practically begged tradespeople to help me with this and they won't help. Just ghost/ignore me. Or promise to help then vanish.
I am at fucking breaking point.
I noticed outside it was torrential rain and very windy. I thought this is the first test of the window sealing job I paid £200 for in September. It failed. Water is again seeping in from the top somewhere. I thought it was the seal. But I had that fixed. So it must the lintel somehow. I still don't know what's going on and I've practically begged tradespeople to help me with this and they won't help. Just ghost/ignore me. Or promise to help then vanish.
I am at fucking breaking point.
today I feel better. Last night I had a meltdown where everything in my mind just exploded and for a good hour I was literally out of my mind. The person who walks and talks and pays taxes was not there. My emotions were not even there. It was only my emotions. I wasn't angry, frustrated, enraged and grieving, I was anger itself, and all the rest. Eventually just energy, like fire and lightning both at the same time.
It eventually felt like I was a demon or angel, depending on how you define supernatural archetypes. That force simply transported energy, but to where I don't know. I can say it was almost like torture - I would not recommend demon-hood to anyone who can avoid it. I remember feeling uncomfortably hot after I had come down. It was around 35-40 F out (so slightly above freezing to our Celsius familiar cohort), and I had the sliding door with a fan in front of it as well as the other window open. The AC doesn't go below 68F so that wasn't an option and the air outdoors is basically free air conditioning. Even with that I felt so hot that I was confused by the number on the thermostat.
There were tears and I remember a lot of vocalizations that I couldn't control. I stuck my face in my teddy bear to muffle the howling, who, thank god - was nearby - and just hoped to God that the neighbors didn't call the cops on me over the noise. If the cops had shown up while I was in that state, things would have escalated rapidly, to say the least.
It was a discharge or release, though. I slept better last night than I have in a loooong time. I am still very sleepy. I went to therapy and we discussed some strategies. I need to be calling people who understand one or both diagnoses proactively. Same idea as practicing my coping strategies regularly. I need to eat and take a nap. Maybe kindergarten was where I learned everything important.
It eventually felt like I was a demon or angel, depending on how you define supernatural archetypes. That force simply transported energy, but to where I don't know. I can say it was almost like torture - I would not recommend demon-hood to anyone who can avoid it. I remember feeling uncomfortably hot after I had come down. It was around 35-40 F out (so slightly above freezing to our Celsius familiar cohort), and I had the sliding door with a fan in front of it as well as the other window open. The AC doesn't go below 68F so that wasn't an option and the air outdoors is basically free air conditioning. Even with that I felt so hot that I was confused by the number on the thermostat.
There were tears and I remember a lot of vocalizations that I couldn't control. I stuck my face in my teddy bear to muffle the howling, who, thank god - was nearby - and just hoped to God that the neighbors didn't call the cops on me over the noise. If the cops had shown up while I was in that state, things would have escalated rapidly, to say the least.
It was a discharge or release, though. I slept better last night than I have in a loooong time. I am still very sleepy. I went to therapy and we discussed some strategies. I need to be calling people who understand one or both diagnoses proactively. Same idea as practicing my coping strategies regularly. I need to eat and take a nap. Maybe kindergarten was where I learned everything important.
Just letting people who care know I am safe. I will not do anything tonight. Today just moved the needle a little nearer the red zone. I won't do anything while I'm emotionally exploding with panic and dread - it's when I'm calm and I start thinking about it that it's more worrying, but I have come down a notch. Still seriously fed up of this house and the endless, relentless demands my life is placing on me with very little by way of reward.
He did a number of tests and came up with one I had thought of...allergy to something I came into contact with. Now taking prednisone which has alleviated and reduced much with the first dose, and an antihistamine which had me with no itching since taking it at 4:00 am. I am like him hoping it is a one time just chanced on something that set me off. Thanks so much for asking and to the others that have mentioned it.
I can’t believe what I am. I can’t believe what I have become. I can’t believe have been so gullible and naive. I am profoundly sad, Embarrassed, ashamed. I have become the bumbling idiot I was told I am. I am the embarrassment I was told I am. These tears don’t cleanse me. Just a sign of immaturity and of my many weaknesses.