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How Are You Feeling Right Now?
- Thread starter UNREGISTERED0000
- Start date
I wasted what could have been years of finding myself obsessively trying to avoid this fandom thing, which should have been easy, except I kept going back into the internet when it was veritably everywhere. My attempts to block it from sight for years only backfired and led to me being more obsessed with it.
The way I feel tonight is that by choosing this idiocy- and over something so damn stupid, fandom of all dumb things- I have disearned my right to live. I wasted what could have been a "youth" of sorts (though I choose to observe that I was already dead by then) on something so useless and petty and inflicted self-sabotage habits that affect everything I do to this day.
I *DESERVE TO DIE* for having chosen this, done this. Mostly I hold on so I can eventually carry knowledge and warning feelings over to my next attempt, but this was so stupid and I'm such an idiot loser and I wasted so much of what could have been an imitation of a possible life on it that I feel like I should kill myself RIGHT NOW.
My Dad is sick, and right now he needs me to check on him now and again. That is OUTRIGHT the only reason I have not to off myself. In this time, at least.
The way I feel tonight is that by choosing this idiocy- and over something so damn stupid, fandom of all dumb things- I have disearned my right to live. I wasted what could have been a "youth" of sorts (though I choose to observe that I was already dead by then) on something so useless and petty and inflicted self-sabotage habits that affect everything I do to this day.
I *DESERVE TO DIE* for having chosen this, done this. Mostly I hold on so I can eventually carry knowledge and warning feelings over to my next attempt, but this was so stupid and I'm such an idiot loser and I wasted so much of what could have been an imitation of a possible life on it that I feel like I should kill myself RIGHT NOW.
My Dad is sick, and right now he needs me to check on him now and again. That is OUTRIGHT the only reason I have not to off myself. In this time, at least.
A LOT of people get into some form of unhealthy obsession. Some level of fandom can be ok, as it can be a source of community. Could you have done some wiser thing? Maybe, but there's no guarantee that some other pitfall might have come along. Fandom is way, way better than things like drug addiction, self-harm, crime, etc. Maybe you could have done a more "productive" thing, but "productive" things are often also unethical and don't really do any good. Please be gentle with yourself. You really didn't do anything that bad.
It's nice of you to check on him. I hope he'll be ok.
It's nice of you to check on him. I hope he'll be ok.
what is the point of trying to live, to be strong, competitive in a field, or accomplish anything: no one knows for sure. Yet one can listen to people who often have strong opinions, such as those who are religious, as do most parents and school authority figures. They're all individuals who feel faith or power or both, due to their perception of being part of a group, a pod, a gaggle, a tribe, a structured glob? of humans. All will pass away to nothing.
"...With patriarchs of the infant world—with kings,
The powerful of the earth—the wise, the good,
Fair forms, and hoary seers of ages past,
All in one mighty sepulchre."
from Thanatopsis, 1881 William Cullen Bryant
"...With patriarchs of the infant world—with kings,
The powerful of the earth—the wise, the good,
Fair forms, and hoary seers of ages past,
All in one mighty sepulchre."
from Thanatopsis, 1881 William Cullen Bryant
I'm sorry you all. I hope you begin to feel better soon.
:depressed: :yawn:
As someone who spent years (decades, more likely) trying to find myself, it’s overrated. I have very similar regrets, except that I spent over half of my expected life span trying to find a meaning to life, instead of living it.
As far as trying to avoid something, it took me 13 years of trying not to drink before I strung together 365 consecutive days. I’ve learned that, at least for me but I suspect almost everyone, I get nowhere trying to avoid the thing that’s hurting me. The human mind (IMHO) has no ability to process words like “don’t” or “not.” If I bust my ass trying to “not drink,” I obsess over drinking, which makes my sobriety harder than it needs to be.
By contrast, if I focus on what I’m moving towards, e.g., the expression of my deeper core values, then I’m likely to care less about drinking, because it’s inimical to my development into someone I can live with.
That said, I haven’t gone through your earlier posts so I’m not aware of the fandom you find so destructive. In my ignorance, though, I’m wondering what is so terrible about being in a fandom?
Unless it’s something overtly harmful to our own humanity like being a neo-nazi, then what’s wrong with having a passion? We can’t spend 100% of our waking hours on goal-oriented activities, and in fact the expectation of ourselves that we should is toxic - because if you spend all your time pursuing goals, then you have no time left over to reap the rewards of your hard work. If there’s no “harvest,” so to speak, then it’s a waste of time to spend all that work cultivating your crops, which then becomes a non-productive activity at the end, anyway.
I would like to kindly disagree. Even if what you were obsessed with is unhealthy, I think it’s painfully harsh to suggest that someone deserves to die for being involved in it. I know from trying to do so that I can never punish myself into better choices. So why say that you deserve capital punishment for making some mistakes, no matter how monumental? I don’t see how taking yourself entirely out of the lives of everyone around you would expiate the mistakes made by your younger selves.
From another angle, would you tell someone else who you have a neutral or better view of that they deserve death for behavior similar to yours? We often talk to ourselves orders of magnitude more harshly than we would imagine talking to others. But we end up sabotaging ourselves if we believe that it’s okay to treat ourselves one way, and everyone else another.
Note - I am assuming here that deserving of death is intrinsically bad, which is not necessarily true. In my depression, I often feel like I don’t deserve death. It would be such an improvement that I’m obviously unworthy of it because I’m a POS and I don’t deserve good things. I’m saying the above not as someone who is so enlightened that I’m qualified to advise, but rather as someone who struggles with similar behavioral patterns.
As far as trying to avoid something, it took me 13 years of trying not to drink before I strung together 365 consecutive days. I’ve learned that, at least for me but I suspect almost everyone, I get nowhere trying to avoid the thing that’s hurting me. The human mind (IMHO) has no ability to process words like “don’t” or “not.” If I bust my ass trying to “not drink,” I obsess over drinking, which makes my sobriety harder than it needs to be.
By contrast, if I focus on what I’m moving towards, e.g., the expression of my deeper core values, then I’m likely to care less about drinking, because it’s inimical to my development into someone I can live with.
That said, I haven’t gone through your earlier posts so I’m not aware of the fandom you find so destructive. In my ignorance, though, I’m wondering what is so terrible about being in a fandom?
I think everyone has at least one silly obsession of some kind. For me, it’s philosophy, which I do recognize has its place, but it can easily be overdone, hence the inordinate amount of time I mentioned above. I have also been quite a Japan-ophile, of which anime is a large part, but it was actually my fascination with the Japanese language and folklore that drew me into curiosity about Japanese culture as opposed to the other way around. I found out that it’s not considered weird for a full grown adult to like comic books and cartoons, and I felt like I had found my people, lol.
Unless it’s something overtly harmful to our own humanity like being a neo-nazi, then what’s wrong with having a passion? We can’t spend 100% of our waking hours on goal-oriented activities, and in fact the expectation of ourselves that we should is toxic - because if you spend all your time pursuing goals, then you have no time left over to reap the rewards of your hard work. If there’s no “harvest,” so to speak, then it’s a waste of time to spend all that work cultivating your crops, which then becomes a non-productive activity at the end, anyway.
I would like to kindly disagree. Even if what you were obsessed with is unhealthy, I think it’s painfully harsh to suggest that someone deserves to die for being involved in it. I know from trying to do so that I can never punish myself into better choices. So why say that you deserve capital punishment for making some mistakes, no matter how monumental? I don’t see how taking yourself entirely out of the lives of everyone around you would expiate the mistakes made by your younger selves.
From another angle, would you tell someone else who you have a neutral or better view of that they deserve death for behavior similar to yours? We often talk to ourselves orders of magnitude more harshly than we would imagine talking to others. But we end up sabotaging ourselves if we believe that it’s okay to treat ourselves one way, and everyone else another.
Note - I am assuming here that deserving of death is intrinsically bad, which is not necessarily true. In my depression, I often feel like I don’t deserve death. It would be such an improvement that I’m obviously unworthy of it because I’m a POS and I don’t deserve good things. I’m saying the above not as someone who is so enlightened that I’m qualified to advise, but rather as someone who struggles with similar behavioral patterns.
I feel good, I think I saved enough money for my PhD in another country. I don't have any financial problem to go there anymore. I have to have publication in a good journal though. Wish me luck. Although I believe in my research I spent 3 years of my life over this research. It's original completely.