How Are You Feeling Right Now?

[AvidFan]

I mentioned that in the post immediately before this one. It’s a reply to your comment on my thread in the My Story section.

There is no help. I’m not going to make that mistake again. My therapist is trustworthy, but I have never worked with anyone else in this state who was doing much more than keeping a chair warm so they can punch a time clock. Then, I end up even worse off than before.

Sorry but I am raw about this today. I noticed on the emotional pain chart that calling a crisis line immediately is advised at level 10. Believing that a crisis line would help is what led to the worst decision I have ever made at any age. Anyone who suggests a crisis line is my enemy. With any luck I will be dead before I screw myself over harder than that.

I am sorry. I'm so tired and ill lately and trying to deal with so many things I miss posts and don't connect dots and read different things at different times. I read your post in isolation last thing at night and because I've had so much physical pain lately I just injected that into the context and just pictured it that you were physically ill or in pain in some physical way. I am sorry I misread the context.

I am much the same whenever anyone or anything (like AI) tells me to go to an emergency hospital department or call a crisis line. Some people do find it helpful but the only time I ever did that nobody answered anyway. I managed to put the method away that night (this was in lockdown) but no thanks to feeling alone then the crisis service making me feel even more abandoned.

Again I'm sorry that I misread your post and that my response was inappropriate. 😟

I hope you can get through this safely. ❤️

 

[AvidFan]

Very productive so far today.

 

[LumberJack]

Again I'm sorry that I misread your post and that my response was inappropriate. 😟

I hope you can get through this safely. ❤️

I am the one who should be sorry. I didn’t mean to suggest that your reply was in any way upsetting to me. I don’t expect anyone to assemble all of my posts across multiple threads to put together the entire picture.

What I was saying is that I had replied to your comment on my “My Story” thread immediately before I saw your post here, so I thought it would be best to note that in this thread rather than repeat it, in case you had seen the other reply first.

My screed about the futility of the standard advice to call a crisis line or go to emergency medical care was not meant to suggest that you were literally suggesting anyone should do so. Instead it was my pain reacting to the idea in my head of “getting help.”

My rage is in no way directed at you, or anyone else on SF. I understand what you said about the cognitive impact of mental illness. It probably goes without saying, but I am similarly affected.

 

[AvidFan]

I am the one who should be sorry. I didn’t mean to suggest that your reply was in any way upsetting to me. I don’t expect anyone to assemble all of my posts across multiple threads to put together the entire picture.

What I was saying is that I had replied to your comment on my “My Story” thread immediately before I saw your post here, so I thought it would be best to note that in this thread rather than repeat it, in case you had seen the other reply first.

My screed about the futility of the standard advice to call a crisis line or go to emergency medical care was not meant to suggest that you were literally suggesting anyone should do so. Instead it was my pain reacting to the idea in my head of “getting help.”

My rage is in no way directed at you, or anyone else on SF. I understand what you said about the cognitive impact of mental illness. It probably goes without saying, but I am similarly affected.

Hey no problem ❤️ It's easy to misunderstand things that are written down or read them through a different filter than intended. Sometimes I do that, I do sometimes hear criticism or other emotions when none are intended (from a long history with rejection sensitivity I suppose, after some people did say things with ill intent in the past!) I hope you can feel a bit better and stay safe.

 

[seabird]

But I need hugs. It's like a vitamin to me.

That's me as well. Thank you LumberJack. : )

(h)

 

[AvidFan]

Devastated. Early signs indicate the UTI has come back for a 3rd time. Now I am facing some alien thing in my body multiplying rapidly, and an uphill battle trying to get the right treatment due to "antibiotics stewardship" and avoid resistance - while the bugs in my body get more and more resistance every time they do a 7 day course that fails. I'd dared to think I was over it and the other problems and getting my life back... But life seems to have a predilection to kicking me in the bollocks.

 

[seabird]

@AvidFan I'm so sorry, it's terribly scary to think the UTI bugs have become resistant. I don't like to use the word 'hate' but that's my reaction that this has happened. Best healing and fighting-off-bugs-thoughts and my kind of prayers that your body successfully kills these things off.

 

[seabird]

Wondering why I cannot shake off the cycles of deep sadness which took hold of me sometime last year. Maybe. Actually maybe it started slowly creeping up, years prior to that, after my brother died. The world became a different place for me after losing him. At the time my husband complained my reaction to my brother's death made me into a different, less likeable person. Although, I'm not sure I trust his judgement on anything at this point. It's possibe I have chronic sad.

 

[AvidFan]

@AvidFan I'm so sorry, it's terribly scary to think the UTI bugs have become resistant. I don't like to use the word 'hate' but that's my reaction that this has happened. Best healing and fighting-off-bugs-thoughts and my kind of prayers that your body successfully kills these things off.

Thanks @seabird

Sorry about the cycles of deep sadness. I hate that this is happening to you too, and wish we had superpowers so we could heal everyone and each other!

 

[LumberJack]

...The world became a different place for me after losing him. At the time my husband complained my reaction to my brother's death made me into a different, less likeable person. Although, I'm not sure I trust his judgement on anything at this point. It's possibe I have chronic sad.

I definitely recognize that the world in its entirety shifts after we lose someone close. I would think it troubling if some were not to be strongly affected by the loss of a loved one regardless of the nature of the relationship.

IMHO, your skepticism re: your ex's evaluation is well placed. I feel that losing my partner has made me into a different person, but in the opposite direction. I'm softer, more open to being there for others. I have a level of empathy that would be unavailable to me otherwise. This comes back to me in the form of my appreciation that if I can help someone else, then that's just a little less human suffering that had to happen. Tiny things add up.

Grief definitely changes us and our personalities. For some this is in a positive direction, others remain stubbornly entrenched in their misery and never allow the grief to have the transformative effect on them that it could. If anything, it makes us more likeable, not less! It teaches us a grand perspective; so much shit that we obsess over is really not that big a deal. It's allowed me to be more authentic with others.

I have come to care less about what other people think of me, which means I'm not trying to control their perceptions. In turn this makes me easier to be around. This is based on feedback from others, not my own (biased) self-review. This would only make you less likeable in the eyes of someone uninterested in your own welfare, but instead only concerned with what he can get out of you. This matches the rest of the behaviors of his you've described, so I'm willing to guess that's what is going on.

 

[LumberJack]

I'm making some progress, but it's been a lot. Many episodes of crying like crazy. On Sunday I was letting it out in the car because I figured no one could hear me out on the road. Unfortunately, I heard me. I'm scared of myself now. This said the tears needed to happen and there are still more to get out of me. Right now, though, I'm too discombobulated to make a ham sandwich, let alone practice my coping skills. Suddenly, getting a sammich from Jimmy John's seems super appealing, lol.

 

[SillyOldBear]

Devastated. Early signs indicate the UTI has come back for a 3rd time. Now I am facing some alien thing in my body multiplying rapidly, and an uphill battle trying to get the right treatment due to "antibiotics stewardship" and avoid resistance - while the bugs in my body get more and more resistance every time they do a 7 day course that fails. I'd dared to think I was over it and the other problems and getting my life back... But life seems to have a predilection to kicking me in the bollocks.

So sorry to hear about your persistent infection. I sure hope the doctors get you on something that helps.

 

[Angie]

I am angry, frustrated and a bit scared.

I changed primary doctors. The new doctor says I still have thrush and that I should never have been prescribed 3 weeks of oral antifungal. She prescribed nystatin rinse. She also said we need to look more into why I have this and why it is not clearing up. One possibility is some sort of autoimmune disorder.

I was brought up to trust doctors, and now I find out my previous doctor was prescribing things just to get me out of her clinic.

FML

 

[seabird]

@LumberJack I see your point. Mabe the husband was right, and I'm truly less likeable.
I shouldn't be on this planet anymore.

 

[SillyOldBear]

I am angry, frustrated and a bit scared.

I changed primary doctors. The new doctor says I still have thrush and that I should never have been prescribed 3 weeks of oral antifungal. She prescribed nystatin rinse. She also said we need to look more into why I have this and why it is not clearing up. One possibility is some sort of autoimmune disorder.

I was brought up to trust doctors, and now I find out my previous doctor was prescribing things just to get me out of her clinic.

FML

I am sorry your doctor has let you down so much. Mine have been doing that for years. It is hard to go to a doctor when you don't trust them. I hope your new doctor proves more capable and caring.

 

[AvidFan]

@LumberJack I see your point. Mabe the husband was right, and I'm truly less likeable.
I shouldn't be on this planet anymore.

You are very likeable to me. This planet needs beautiful souls like you 😻

 

[LumberJack]

@LumberJack I see your point. Mabe the husband was right, and I'm truly less likeable.
I shouldn't be on this planet anymore.

I disagree. I think it shows that you are better than he was.

 

[Inanimate]

Like I’m being tested by one insult after another. Because a few things went wrong, I feel like setting fire to everything else.

Today went better. There will be no threats of spontaneous combustion henceforth (lie).

 

[AvidFan]

Am going to bed. I did another test and it was inconclusive. Am hoping I wake up in the next universe along where it turns out the first test was anomalous and actually I'm clear. Will have a better idea come morning. Could do with some sleep. I'm jumping at shadows and sore eyed. Sending love to everyone on SF.

 

[KM76710]

I am angry, frustrated and a bit scared.

I changed primary doctors. The new doctor says I still have thrush and that I should never have been prescribed 3 weeks of oral antifungal. She prescribed nystatin rinse. She also said we need to look more into why I have this and why it is not clearing up. One possibility is some sort of autoimmune disorder.

I was brought up to trust doctors, and now I find out my previous doctor was prescribing things just to get me out of her clinic.

FML

I hope they can get better results and quickly. Autoimmune disorder is what I have and it can be frustrating with how it just seemed to come at me from out of nowhere.