I feel torn (I sound like Natalie Imbruglia lol). Torn between suicide and the desire to live, between sobriety and binge drinking, between staying and leaving.
Hi. May I first offer you a large, warming bear hug? We Finns might not be the most tactile or "sensual" people in general but we sure know how to hug people whenever we feel compassion for them. Especially the men. Just ask my father.
Please do not think for a minute you have "ruined" anything. One year of sobriety is an achievement and something you "should" be very proud of. I paraphrased the verb "should" because I actually hate that word. Anyway, you have not ruined anything and the fact that you chosed to talk about this to us is a testament to your character.
I appreciate your desire to be a good role model for your nephew. However, I was also thinking about something that might sound odd and even offensive but thought to articulate it anyway: Could it be that your desire to be a decent role model also triggered your craving for a drink? I'm a youth worker myself and have also substituted both in Junior High and High Schools, and the pressure to be a "role model" used to be quite a burden. I personally do not want to be anyone's "role model", I just want to be a human. Even though I love working with youngsters, I found the rigid attitudes in the field too taxing for me in the long run.
Wish all the very best to you!