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How Are You Feeling Right Now?
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I've never even thought about conflict of interest - my mother was a teacher in the Catholic school system and I went to a public high school, so I don't think so.
I have always tried to be a good sister and encourage my brother. I wanted him to go to college because he is brilliant especially with computers, but he never went. My mother discouraged him by refusing to help pay, although she and my father both had degrees (my mother is British so her education was free). I took out student loans for my degree, but my brother didn't want to and his future wife wasn't in favour of him getting into debt. He really regrets it now.
I have suggested he go back but he refuses. He worked for a small company for years in the warehouse and then when he got laid off spent a few years doing deliveries for Amazon. They are pretty well off financially though because his wife is a book-keeper and his best friend from high school is a hotshot investment advisor so they have made a lot of money on the stock market. Also my brother had Critical Illness Insurance so got a large lump sum from his cancer diagnosis. But he refuses to spend any of it on getting any more education for himself. His 19-year-old son is in college and they are saving to buy him his own condo. I wish my brother would spend a little money on himself. My personal feeling is he has no hope left for himself and just wants to pour everything into his son. I'm going to perhaps have a chat with my nephew one of these days about encouraging his Dad. I sent my brother some information about free online courses in app development offered by a local college. His doctor thinks they got all the cancer out of him, but he will have to take some preventative chemo just in case. Maybe after that he can do something? I'm not sure. I just want him to be have some sense of personal accomplishment - he has told me he feels really bad seeing his former classmates have impressive careers while he has none. It hurts my heart. He is a gamer and is very self-educated about many topics including computing and politics. He enjoys cooking and does most of the cooking for his family.
I have always tried to be a good sister and encourage my brother. I wanted him to go to college because he is brilliant especially with computers, but he never went. My mother discouraged him by refusing to help pay, although she and my father both had degrees (my mother is British so her education was free). I took out student loans for my degree, but my brother didn't want to and his future wife wasn't in favour of him getting into debt. He really regrets it now.
I have suggested he go back but he refuses. He worked for a small company for years in the warehouse and then when he got laid off spent a few years doing deliveries for Amazon. They are pretty well off financially though because his wife is a book-keeper and his best friend from high school is a hotshot investment advisor so they have made a lot of money on the stock market. Also my brother had Critical Illness Insurance so got a large lump sum from his cancer diagnosis. But he refuses to spend any of it on getting any more education for himself. His 19-year-old son is in college and they are saving to buy him his own condo. I wish my brother would spend a little money on himself. My personal feeling is he has no hope left for himself and just wants to pour everything into his son. I'm going to perhaps have a chat with my nephew one of these days about encouraging his Dad. I sent my brother some information about free online courses in app development offered by a local college. His doctor thinks they got all the cancer out of him, but he will have to take some preventative chemo just in case. Maybe after that he can do something? I'm not sure. I just want him to be have some sense of personal accomplishment - he has told me he feels really bad seeing his former classmates have impressive careers while he has none. It hurts my heart. He is a gamer and is very self-educated about many topics including computing and politics. He enjoys cooking and does most of the cooking for his family.
So no amount of reason, therefore, is going to work on him or get him to change his mind. And that's assuming he wants to in the first place. You're right, in that, if you can get him to see that there is still time, and a future, then maybe you can begin to get him to see things another way. But if what I'm in part wondering is even partially true, then it's going to be ... a lot harder than it seems, or should seem. Because now at this point, and stage in his life - it has morphed or worked its way into this rather large, or big thing (deal) in his head & mind. Which we all know, is an incredibly powerful thing. If I think it, and I believe it, then it doesn't even matter whether or not it is true, or how true it is. Because it is true to me.
I'm glad to hear of his prognosis. Could be a seismic shift in his thinking; & maybe just take some time then, to adapt or adjust to this realization (that he's going to make it, and everything is going to be, "okay!"). Especially if he was set on it not being? . . . Maybe he is content with where he is in life. And that is that. If that is the case, is it o. k.? That it bothers you, should it (if it doesn't bother him)? I guess that's the tough question to ask, and maybe even more difficult to answer. If you'd thought that, changing his mind, or talking him into it were still a possibility - then maybe you could try to seek counsel from somebody in the know, who could tell/or inform you of the exact path, or route that would be reasonable & feasible at this stage to him. For instance, this degree will yield that job (likely). Provided that you think it is something he'd be interested in, again. Which seems to be the sticking point, or difficulty, at this moment~
Oh, forgot to say - because it seems so overly obvious to me, maybe? That you have a lot of very good reason to be happy for, and proud of, how he has turned out. For your brother seems to have lived quite a successful, fulfilling life. And doesn't appear, from the outside, to have let the bad things which have happened to him impeded his life (in an outward fashion). Maybe it's had an effect, and damaged him some on the inside, which you would probably see & be able to know. But to those not in the know, he appears exceptional. And to have thrived, in spite of~
I'm sure having a Sister like you, who was as good to him as you were (not that it's over of course by any means...) has helped immensely/tremendously/a lot! So you could, at the very least, take credit for that. . .
Sorry to hear this @puffymilk. By any chance do you want to say what's going on? If not it's ok. 
I love margaritas! Yum!
I had an abusive mother (who I am not estranged from - she has mellowed quite a bit but has never fully apologized for her behaviour. I talk to her about once a week and see her occasionally. We live in separate cities.). But I feel quite strongly opposed to cutting parents from your life unless they were (and continue to be) abusive. Perhaps 80% of the people I've known who cut their parents from their life did so for fairly trivial disagreements or reasons. With one woman, her husband didn't like her parents so that was it - gone. I couldn't believe it as her parents were loving and supportive until she left home in her mid 20s, and I said it wasn't fair that they don't get a relationship with their grandchildren (as you might imagine she dropped me as a friend for saying this). Anyway.... I'm not sure if it helps to hear that, but if you've seen my posts about my mother you know she was pretty damn bad. But she had her own trauma and was bullied for years by her boss (and she worked for a priest and nun!)
I don't know if it helps to hear that but could maybe give some perspective. I really think it's bad karma to cut off people who loved and nurtured you as a child. I mean, obviously if you ever reach out to her it's good to be diplomatic, but just know that it's not okay for someone to cut their Mom out of their life without an ongoing excellent reason. Most of the family estrangement I've seen is the fault of the person who does the cutting off.
I had an abusive mother (who I am not estranged from - she has mellowed quite a bit but has never fully apologized for her behaviour. I talk to her about once a week and see her occasionally. We live in separate cities.). But I feel quite strongly opposed to cutting parents from your life unless they were (and continue to be) abusive. Perhaps 80% of the people I've known who cut their parents from their life did so for fairly trivial disagreements or reasons. With one woman, her husband didn't like her parents so that was it - gone. I couldn't believe it as her parents were loving and supportive until she left home in her mid 20s, and I said it wasn't fair that they don't get a relationship with their grandchildren (as you might imagine she dropped me as a friend for saying this). Anyway.... I'm not sure if it helps to hear that, but if you've seen my posts about my mother you know she was pretty damn bad. But she had her own trauma and was bullied for years by her boss (and she worked for a priest and nun!)
I don't know if it helps to hear that but could maybe give some perspective. I really think it's bad karma to cut off people who loved and nurtured you as a child. I mean, obviously if you ever reach out to her it's good to be diplomatic, but just know that it's not okay for someone to cut their Mom out of their life without an ongoing excellent reason. Most of the family estrangement I've seen is the fault of the person who does the cutting off.
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@Lane My middle brother-in-law cut off his older sister for 8 years (ongoing) for a totally stupid reason and we've told him many times to mend fences. She is willing. She is 20 years older so like a mother to him. It has split the family as they can no longer have holiday gatherings with everyone. 
Thanks Lady. That does help me feel better. I chose a profession that probably didn't jive with her feeling of proper, which was a go-go dancer. I don't know for sure because we never discussed it. Also, she still has a good relationship with her father, who acts like I don't exist and that has trickled down to the children. I've spent many years devasted and crying over my daughter, feeling as if my heart has been ripped out. That's why today felt like a milestone, I could actually talk about the estrangement we without breaking down, plus she was my first born...of four.
She did invite me to her wedding but I didn't get a text fory birthday. I feel that she's angry over the divorce still. Shes angry at her brothers too if they don't act in a perfect manner.
Thank you again, it does feel good to talk about it. I recently gave my son her baby albums to give to her because I thought she might like them. I'm not sure what else to say except thank you.
She did invite me to her wedding but I didn't get a text fory birthday. I feel that she's angry over the divorce still. Shes angry at her brothers too if they don't act in a perfect manner.
Thank you again, it does feel good to talk about it. I recently gave my son her baby albums to give to her because I thought she might like them. I'm not sure what else to say except thank you.
@Lane My middle brother-in-law cut off his older sister for 8 years (ongoing) for a totally stupid reason and we've told him many times to mend fences. She is willing. She is 20 years older so like a mother to him. It has split the family as they can no longer have holiday gatherings with everyone.
That's okay you don't have to say anything. Like I say I've seen people cut off family over ridiculous things - and being a go go dancer is no reason to cut off your Mom for crying out loud. Sex work is work. You had to put food on the table. And yes - I think you had mentioned the friction with your ex but again that is no reason for her to cut off her mother. I hope she comes around.
I had one of those days today where I started with a small triumph and nearly ended up with a major disaster. Learned something new and had done well, then suddenly couldn't do anything right. If there's one thing I hate it's wacky random keyboard shortcuts where somehow you've pressed Fn instead of shift and somehow activate something that totally breaks whatever you're working on at the time 😒🤦♀️
@MisterBGone yes I think he has a mental block about attempting things in case he fails, plus maybe a fear of success which wouldn't fit his self-image. I've struggled with the same thing for years and have really only just figured things out.
But you're right and in many ways he IS a success and I've pointed that out but he just thinks the financial success is due to his wife and his friend who handles their money. He also did a great job raising his son with plenty of love and bonding and support. I mean they have a lot of money but I really notice that does not equate to happiness for him. I wish he had a deep sense of his inner value.
But you're right and in many ways he IS a success and I've pointed that out but he just thinks the financial success is due to his wife and his friend who handles their money. He also did a great job raising his son with plenty of love and bonding and support. I mean they have a lot of money but I really notice that does not equate to happiness for him. I wish he had a deep sense of his inner value.