How Are You Feeling Right Now?

[Windhover]

Thank you. Hugs back

Your brother is lucky to have you, and I'm sure he's smiling wherever he is now seeing how you remember and do special things to commemorate him. I can relate to that part when you said "it doesn't go away, but shifts and changes over time". I don't think about these things as much as I did last year.

And if I'm being honest, I don't acknowledge or do something special for her during bdays or special occasions because I'm still having mixed, confusing emotions, like I miss her sometimes and I recognize that she was the only person who truly loved and cared about me, unconditonally. But she was also the reason why my daughter isn't here with me. I really don't know what is true or not, and probably would never know. I miss and think about her sometimes, but that's just it, I guess.

Aw thanks that's a nice thing to tell me.

As for the conflicted part, I can relate to that very much, (though these are not about my brother, but the estranged partner).
I find lately that I simply detest the churning feelings and wish they'd go away. I'm sorry you're experiencing similar challenges. I hope someday you and your daughter will be together.

 

[cymbele]

Frustrated. I made 4 types of cookies and some Christmas candy for presents and then found out that most of the recipients are diabetic so they can’t have sugar. Now I have all this candy and cookies and I don’t want to eat it all. Maybe make me diabetic! Maybe I freeze most of it. I love to bake. But for me it’s just too much. Oh well I will figure out something else for next Christmas. ( they don’t drink alcohol either) maybe I stop giving presents. Christmas will be empty then.

 

[luminance]

Aw thanks that's a nice thing to tell me.

As for the conflicted part, I can relate to that very much, (though these are not about my brother, but the estranged partner).
I find lately that I simply detest the churning feelings and wish they'd go away. I'm sorry you're experiencing similar challenges. I hope someday you and your daughter will be together.

Your feelings are natural, but please do what you think and feel is best for you, at the moment. Please look after yourself and well-being too. I just wish this person would realize your worth.

 

[puffymilk]

Okay but I'm hungry

 

[AvidFan]

I'm feeling quite relaxed. There was a last minute work issue yesterday which nobody could be bothered to solve so as far as I'm concerned I'm done (even though it would be possible to work through the entire Christmas period if I wanted, that is part of the downside of my remote job, it's always on 24/7 and Christmas OT pay was already starting up yesterday!). It's sunk in today that I am off, so I am waiting for my presents to myself to arrive (one is a handheld vacuum cleaner - sorely needed after trying to hoover crumbs off the counter with the snake like main hoover extension 😂). And one of my favourite things ever is getting lost in a book so I have Stephen King's Holly in hardback under the tree for after Christmas day, and just bought a couple of tomes for my Kindle. It's the one thing guaranteed to keep me away from my laptop!

 

[Aurelia]

I have to decorate the tree today. I'm not in the right spirits to do so. Today feels rather dull and mundane. I don't want to decorate anything. I just want something to distract me from feeling like this. There's an emptiness inside me that I just can't fill no matter how hard I try.

 

[Aurelia]

Well, good news. The tree was already decorated. I simply had to take it out of the bag and plug it in.

 

[tearsinmycoffee]

Like I shouldn't have gotten out of bed today,

 

[AvidFan]

Well, good news. The tree was already decorated. I simply had to take it out of the bag and plug it in.

I have on of those 😊

 

[tearsinmycoffee]

Alternately: I want to go home but I am at home.

 

[Holding my breath]

I thought I’d been doing ok these last couple of days since Dads funeral but this evening I became quite disregulated emotionally, rather irrational, and went into a panic thinking I had upset my daughter. Turns out after nearly two hours of panic, that she was fine and I hadn’t upset her at all. Logically I couldn’t think of anything I might have done, it was just a feeling, but I’d got myself all worked up over it. I’ve been feeling very restless, unable to settle and needing to just keep doing. Can be helpful as it means things get done but equally maybe not all that healthy a coping mechanism.
To add to everything, my sister has Covid so Christmas dinner is being moved to my house instead. I was hoping to not have to cook for the family this year, but looks like its me doing it again. Feeling a bit like each day is a day to get through.

 

[Windhover]

Alternately: I want to go home but I am at home.

I know that feeling aell. I am sorry you feel it. Hope it goes away and you can get a sense of safety and grounded-ness.

 

[MisterBGone]

I thought I’d been doing ok these last couple of days since Dads funeral but this evening I became quite disregulated emotionally, rather irrational, and went into a panic thinking I had upset my daughter. Turns out after nearly two hours of panic, that she was fine and I hadn’t upset her at all. Logically I couldn’t think of anything I might have done, it was just a feeling, but I’d got myself all worked up over it. I’ve been feeling very restless, unable to settle and needing to just keep doing. Can be helpful as it means things get done but equally maybe not all that healthy a coping mechanism.
To add to everything, my sister has Covid so Christmas dinner is being moved to my house instead. I was hoping to not have to cook for the family this year, but looks like its me doing it again. Feeling a bit like each day is a day to get through.

I'll have to look up what that word means later, @Holding my breath -(the 'disregulated?'). . . Yeah, I'm really that~stupid!
I'm sorry to hear, or learn of this incredibly unpleasant and uncomfortable experience. Is there any way you can or could just, however, chalk it up to your recent loss & obviously still acutely-felt, "grieving?" (over your Dad?) Or just somehow be able to take it a little easier on yourself, and not get so unhappy with the fact that this did indeed happen (the word that I don't know the meaning of)? It's probably a very unsettling, restless & uncomfortable feeling, I'd have to imagine. And so I'm sure you were just trying to find a way of alleviating this distressing or distressful feeling. And it seems you've stumbled on(to) or found one that wasn't overall too terribly destructive in my mind anyway. A few years behind on chores here, though, I may be - (so let's keep that in mind!) ;^) ... It sounds like your Daughter didn't have any problem or issue with it. So maybe just take that feedback as noteworthy? Or I don't know~ / & for what it's worth: I'm sure Christmas Dinner at your House is extraordinary; as in LEGENDARY! But not as legendary as mine (at least in my own mind!)! Because I've got a secret weapon--"SpaghettiO's w/Meatballs~!*" j/k. Hope you can get some decent rest tonight. And then be ready for the big dinner. Later.

 

[AvidFan]

I thought I’d been doing ok these last couple of days since Dads funeral but this evening I became quite disregulated emotionally, rather irrational, and went into a panic thinking I had upset my daughter. Turns out after nearly two hours of panic, that she was fine and I hadn’t upset her at all. Logically I couldn’t think of anything I might have done, it was just a feeling, but I’d got myself all worked up over it. I’ve been feeling very restless, unable to settle and needing to just keep doing. Can be helpful as it means things get done but equally maybe not all that healthy a coping mechanism.
To add to everything, my sister has Covid so Christmas dinner is being moved to my house instead. I was hoping to not have to cook for the family this year, but looks like its me doing it again. Feeling a bit like each day is a day to get through.

That sounds like a lot on your plate, with the Christmas dinner switch. You will have all kinds of emotions going on, sometimes it's good to keep busy, but be kind to yourself, you have experienced a major loss and it's not easy to just keep on with the day to day while you're trying to process grief. I hope Christmas dinner is not too much of a palaver.

 

[cymbele]

The next two days are going to be hectic and I’m not going to be much fun. I want to be home and I have so many obligations that I’m going to be exhausted when Christmas night comes around. But it’ll be okay. At least I won’t be alone. Happy holidays to all. I am very grateful for SF and all the members.

 

[1964dodge]

I have to decorate the tree today. I'm not in the right spirits to do so. Today feels rather dull and mundane. I don't want to decorate anything. I just want something to distract me from feeling like this. There's an emptiness inside me that I just can't fill no matter how hard I try.

 

[1964dodge]

Alternately: I want to go home but I am at home.

 

[Baywasp]

Frustrated. It's been a long day. I did get lucky and the extra work I got assigned at the end of the shift ended up being way easy and I got out basically on time, unexpectedly, then the first bus got me downtown right on time to run across the street to catch my second bus the rest of the way home, so I got back at midnight rather than 12:30. So didn't end too badly, and I might go take a shower and relax.

 

[Road to Nowhere]

The force that's holding me back.

 

[1Lefty]

Stressed, almost overwhelmed, but not suicidal


peace