Somewhat anxious about circumstances surrounding the total eclipse. Is it going to be cloudy? Is the nearby field going to be crowded? Is the road leading up to it going to be congested? Is my neighbor going to blast music if I observe from home? I want this experience to be as close to perfect as possible, of course, but that likely isn’t happening.
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How Are You Feeling Right Now?
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I feel totally useless. I want to go for help, I can't. It's an embarrassment to my sons if I did. The last time I went for help I called my son to help me, I locked myself out of my car. He was angry. He told me all that psych help isn't help at all, all I need is Jesus in my life, psychiatry is basically demonic in his opinion. I need help. I can't go. It's not just today it's everything is building up in my head. I;m so tired of hanging on for nothing. I had a nice vacation. That was my highlight woop dee do. It doesn't change who I am, where I live now, what kind of friggin future is there for me. I'm being selfishly pathetic tonight. My younger son said some really hurtful things to me in a text. They don't care, so what's my purpose if all I did was bad parenting in life, and I can't work anymore. Nothing.
I hope you can find a way to motivate yourself, and to give yourself to seek the treatment you most certainly are deserving of and need. It doesn't matter what anybody else thinks. They've got their own mindsets, and maybe agendas. Those are irrelevant concerns and your soul or only focus should be on that of yourself. If you say, think &/or feel - that you need help - then by all means~ / Yes, vacations are great. But they can't be permanent, right? I'm sorry your sons aren't more supportive. And have some hard to handle views. I don't believe your responsible for bad parenting. To what extent you weren't perfect, at some point they've got to figure things out for themselves in life. And can't keep blaming everything on you. Or you on yourself, whatever... Just give yourself the green light, and deal with their hesitations later. Or as in never, it's really all up to you, @toomuchreality ! Nice of you to think of them, but you've got to act & behave in a way that suits yourself. Or you wont' be any good for them (left) anyway. Depending on how bad things get, of course~ & hopefully, you won't ever reach that point. Would be a whole lot easier, with some assistance, don't you think? 
Yup, truly excellent advice here about the journal helping remind you of your true strength, I have literally done just that with “reading old journals” when I have felt especially helpless/hopeless and low. It helped a lot
Yup, I definitely wish for that too!
Hey Mike, just wanted to say I’m delighted that you are feeling much better now! Sorry I wasn’t in here earlier when you said it was bad, I guess if I had been then I most likely woulda said very similar things to what others already said anyway lol. Anyway I understand what you said about pain, I mean from what you’ve described it sounds like yours is far more than I could maybe truly imagine, but I have definitely experienced it a bit and I know when I thought it was gonna be “over” and then there was more that it was so disappointing and felt like it was some cruel joke from the universe or something. Just did my best to be strong through it, and to always be prepared for it to “happen again” which makes my enjoyment of “non-pain” a bit less, but also when I do have it then also makes that “less” too, so that part makes it worth it to me anyway. I wish you the best of luck that there won’t ever be pain again though, of course 
Wishing the best for everyone else here too, always
For those who are currently feeling good - awesome, I’m very happy for you and am always wishing the best that you will feel that way as much as you possibly can
For those not feeling good - My deepest sympathy and compassion is with you, and I wish that you’ll be feeling better/happier/calmer/peaceful/more balanced and everything else good/positive as soon as possible
Lots of hugs for all those who are wanting/needing them too of course, for today and for always
Yup, I definitely wish for that too!
Hey Mike, just wanted to say I’m delighted that you are feeling much better now!
Sorry I wasn’t in here earlier when you said it was bad, I guess if I had been then I most likely woulda said very similar things to what others already said anyway lol. Anyway I understand what you said about pain, I mean from what you’ve described it sounds like yours is far more than I could maybe truly imagine, but I have definitely experienced it a bit and I know when I thought it was gonna be “over” and then there was more that it was so disappointing and felt like it was some cruel joke from the universe or something. Just did my best to be strong through it, and to always be prepared for it to “happen again” which makes my enjoyment of “non-pain” a bit less, but also when I do have it then also makes that “less” too, so that part makes it worth it to me anyway. I wish you the best of luck that there won’t ever be pain again though, of course Wishing the best for everyone else here too, always
For those who are currently feeling good - awesome, I’m very happy for you and am always wishing the best that you will feel that way as much as you possibly can
For those not feeling good - My deepest sympathy and compassion is with you, and I wish that you’ll be feeling better/happier/calmer/peaceful/more balanced and everything else good/positive as soon as possible
Lots of hugs for all those who are wanting/needing them too of course, for today and for always
mike....
