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How Are You Feeling Right Now?
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Not quite sure what you mean, there, @MisterBGone x
Thanks, @MisterBGone.
I'm glad that you're feeling better Mike. I'm sorry to hear you were sick yesterday. Thinking of you. 
mike.....
Hey Mike, just wanted to say sorry you weren’t feeling good yesterday, but glad you are feeling better today 
Great that you’ll soon have your dodge back too, I’m happy for you and know how much joy she brings you.
Purposely not “tagging” you here so it won’t add to the alerts lol, whenever you have a chance to see/read this will be fine. Also, no need for a reply back either if you aren’t feeling up for it, “likes” are always great and more than enough so just wanted to let you know that
Hope the good days continue, wishing the best for you always, you are always so kind, caring, thoughtful, reassuring, compassionate and supportive with your replies to others here and I hope you know you make a big difference here!
Great that you’ll soon have your dodge back too, I’m happy for you and know how much joy she brings you.Purposely not “tagging” you here so it won’t add to the alerts lol, whenever you have a chance to see/read this will be fine. Also, no need for a reply back either if you aren’t feeling up for it, “likes” are always great and more than enough so just wanted to let you know that
Hope the good days continue, wishing the best for you always, you are always so kind, caring, thoughtful, reassuring, compassionate and supportive with your replies to others here and I hope you know you make a big difference here!
mike....
Yes, that is the "right," attitude to adopt... & 'spirit!' (as-well)! : ) I don't know what's wrong with your sons, to both be treating you this way? It's like they've been spoiled with your love, which pays more than anything else by the way! But they don't seem to understand, at least not fully & completely, just how well & great they have and have had it. They'll understand & recognize one day, when you're gone, which will then be, too little - too late (for you to enjoy & reap the benefits)~* / but bottom line I can tell you've done a fine job and the best you could, most importantly, especially becuase you've got a disability (two kinds, by the sounds of...) & so, again I don't understand what their problem, or issue is with you. It sounds so unfair and way off-base, that I wouldn't even know where to begin. How & who are they to say that you should be working? What gives them the right, or the credentials to be qualified in order to say that? And what for, so you can pay for more of their stuff? Maybe it's time to cut the cord on at least some of that supply, to let them know just how great they've had it, in spite of all-else? And the fact that you do what you can around the house is very fine & noble, indeed. And also: "note-worthy!" I feel. . . as you can feel good about it, and yourself, and that he appreciates it speaks volumes. It's the thought that counts, in addition to, whatever you can, to make his life (& yours) easier. I'm just so glad you can appreciate that accomplishment then, as many who are on disability cannot even manage that. And justifiably so, in many cases. . . Goodness? How did they grow up to be so entitled? As I've said, you must have spoiled & showered them with love. Either then, and/or now. Somewhere along the way, they developed a safety mechanism or defense type of approach & excuse making. Something to make up for their deficiencies & lack of in life (accomplishments, whatever it is...) & to go blaming it on their Mother, who(m) only seems to have their best interest in m ind at all times~ is just borderline blasphemous to me... Maybe they'll understand one day, their wrongs. And hopefuly, you'll still be here to appreciate it. Sometimes when you've always been one way, or for a really long time. Let's say "unconditionally" loving of them. Then they don't know what they don't know. You know? They haven't gott en the chance to experience the lack of~ . . . Love. So I'm not suggesting you should, or need to show them. But whatever you do decide to change-up. Even if it's just caring a little bit less. Then that would be totally understandable in my book. And I hope you can forgive yourself as well. For while you seem to have an overall proper perspective on things. You also seem to be carrying around a pretty big whipping stick, with which to use or that you use, on yourself. From time-to-time. So that would be nice if you could maybe get rid of that, sometime sooner than later~ I'd like that a lot in fact. And I also don't feel that it is in any way deserved. Which is the bottom line, in the end*
that last part is sticking with me, about beating myself up. It's true, I've done that a long time, always finding reasons I wasn't good enough. Maybe my sons have seen that and use that as a way to make me feel worse hoping I will give up my disability.... then they'd be getting more financial help. The older just thinks I'm capable, there's no explaining how my back and shoulders are fd up. The younger is just still blaming me for everything, while he's 23. I did do everything I did for both of them because I love them. Their reactions are ridiculous, the older actually threw my stuff down his stairs when I stayed while waiting on another room I rented.... he never did explain why but said ''well later on i felt bad i did that'' like no shit, I'm sorry I sound harsh but after all... my mom and dad would never have helped me financially, maybe a small handout, but not the amount I helped with both sons....and other things I've done. I'm there if he needs me, at almost 32 you'd think that would be good enough? Taking him to get his car fixed as soon as he says he needs help, and I need a pick up at the airport this year with my own car he could use and my gas, and it was like pulling teeth. I'm done ranting about them. I've stopped listening to the younger, I can't repeat what he said in a text nobody would believe the horrendous attitude. Thank you for your well thought out reply, I do appreciate you and your thoughts. It gives me something to read again when I'm feeling useless... hugs to you, we all struggle, I don't know your struggles but I wish the best for you.
Stressed about various things right now. Getting the “rest” of the bloody documents sent in the mail (wanted to get it done and over with first thing Mon morn, then remembered it can’t be that early cos want to see what I can see of the partial eclipse here. Hoping it will be “sunny” enough to see it and that weather won’t interfere with it in any way. Bought the bloody glasses to be able to look at it safely, so if it ends up being for “nothing” well that will suck a bit, lol.
Aside from getting those things all printed/photocopied and then mailed off so we can be on that wait list, also feeling stressed about the lunch I agreed to have with some family members that will be 1 week from today. Doing it partly out of guilt since I haven’t seen these family members for almost 5 years now (I have my reasons) and also out of curiosity, plus that despite how much we differ in many things I do still love and care about them. Anyway just hoping if nothing else that I won’t come away from it feeling more shattered, broken, upset, insecure, worried, self-conscious or otherwise “negative” feeling about myself and/or my life. Yup, they have managed to do those things to me in the past, I guess not “intentionally” but ya these are generally kinda toxic people if you don’t know how to protect yourself against such energy. Definitely had lots of practice with navigating all that kind of twisted bs over the years though, and I like to think it’s all helped me be stronger and much more prepared and “able” to deal with it far better than I woulda 5 years ago. I just really feel uncomfortable how my gran especially seems to like to focus so much on “my depression” as if it is what “defines” me or something. Ya, they are pretty narrow minded, ignorant and kinda clueless people in a lot of ways.
Anyway enough about that, I’ve literally typed out a “reminder/guide list” on my phone and thinking maybe I’ll even bring it with me to help me stay focused and to not get sucked into ANY negativity vortexes, no matter how hard they try I will not just do some mindless, moronic gossiping just to get her focus off of me. Just gotta stay strong, hope for the best and also remind myself it will only be for a few hours at the most, and then it will be over. I will most likely be quite glad when that happens.
Aside from getting those things all printed/photocopied and then mailed off so we can be on that wait list, also feeling stressed about the lunch I agreed to have with some family members that will be 1 week from today. Doing it partly out of guilt since I haven’t seen these family members for almost 5 years now (I have my reasons) and also out of curiosity, plus that despite how much we differ in many things I do still love and care about them. Anyway just hoping if nothing else that I won’t come away from it feeling more shattered, broken, upset, insecure, worried, self-conscious or otherwise “negative” feeling about myself and/or my life. Yup, they have managed to do those things to me in the past, I guess not “intentionally” but ya these are generally kinda toxic people if you don’t know how to protect yourself against such energy. Definitely had lots of practice with navigating all that kind of twisted bs over the years though, and I like to think it’s all helped me be stronger and much more prepared and “able” to deal with it far better than I woulda 5 years ago. I just really feel uncomfortable how my gran especially seems to like to focus so much on “my depression” as if it is what “defines” me or something. Ya, they are pretty narrow minded, ignorant and kinda clueless people in a lot of ways.
Anyway enough about that, I’ve literally typed out a “reminder/guide list” on my phone and thinking maybe I’ll even bring it with me to help me stay focused and to not get sucked into ANY negativity vortexes, no matter how hard they try I will not just do some mindless, moronic gossiping just to get her focus off of me. Just gotta stay strong, hope for the best and also remind myself it will only be for a few hours at the most, and then it will be over. I will most likely be quite glad when that happens.
It's terrible for me to hear about how your sons have both turned out, when it comes to their level of respect of you. There's really no excuse. And even if there is, it gets harder & harder to hear... with each subsequent story or reason you give, and tell etc. I'm "guessing," that the older one 'thinks,' you're well enough to work -- because you are his Mother. And therefore, he is viewing you through his own biased, and subjective lens. One would hope that, if he were evaluating someone else, whom he did not know nor have a relationship with, that he would be able to render a different verdict. The younger, may just be maturing & developing at a slower rate than some. Or who knows? They do say they grow up (in general) a whole lot slower than they used to. I don't know if it's true. It certainly is a different world - & a far different one than I grew up in. That is for sure. But regardless, you'd like to think there's still hope for him... one day! I can't defend the older's actions. Other than to say, I am happy that there was some remorse long after the fact. Which I'd suppose is better than none at all~ / It's always a difficult call, for a Parent to judge, and I think each one has to evaluate their own case individually, and decide what works best for their given situation. It is easy to take advice, heat & criticism from others. And while I have never been a parent myself, I'd imagine it's not "one size fits all?" Anyway, all I can do is speak from my experiences then, and that is from the child or children's (Adult) point of view. In my case, had they not supported me, at 27 - when all hope was lost - & in the midst of what would be the worst &/or the most tumultuous period of my mental health. In terms of severity, instability, and et cetera~ *then there is no question that I would not be here today. None at all, whatsoever. For in the vain, or spirit of; 'sink or swim.' I know which one would've happened to me. I almost went out to L.A., BLIND in like ... well, what was I? 24! And this when, my one closest & best friend, had had such a falling: that she would not allow me access back into our apt. in order to remove my furnitutre, so that my parents & sister would have to do so. This was like in Nov. And then she finally did grant them access, in more like April. So by that point & time, whatever steam & momentum I had gained & mounted up was LONG GONE. Anyway, she was older & I was. . . well, whatever I was? Anyway! Another long story (boring) for another day~ Godda admire that Italian passion. Equally upset, as emotionally, Up? Or happy as in electrically good (in terms of energy/or charisma/ or charge* n' charm, maybe!) // I think she's still ticked at me. Even though she did come visit me & bring me starbucks at the psych ward some 5 yrs. Later~ So, waht do you know? When people get angry at me, it is usually not "Lightly." HA~ 
Anyway--> Sorry for the side-bar, & tangent, there; i don't know where I go tlost: or what came over me? I believe that it is not over for your sons. In terms of hope & belief that they can change in the future. That they wish for your change in disability status to suit their own needs, however, is mind boggling & baffling to me, quite honestly. It'd be one thing if they were right, or as in correct, on some of their reads. Then it might be a different story. Though still, I'd favor some compassion in the name of family & the dynamic that should exist between Mother & Sons. My situation at home (living) was not ideal. It was uncomfortable, and awkward to put it mildly or best. They both worked unbelievably. So I didn't see them as often as I otherwise would have. And it was unbearable enough as it was. Becuase I did not belong there. And they knew this. And they made it known to me (that I was not overly welcome) often. Unable to always work, but being treated professionally by both psychiatry & psychology. They & their pHd brains & minds, could not wrap their minds around, at the time (& I'm not certain much has changed?) ...the fact that, one could be receiving such care, such as being on meds, for depression or anxiety. And yet -- STILL Not be well (or getting much better). This was just (simply) incomprehensible to them. And they took their frustrations with this out on me routinely. So that was fun. Still, while not a treat to live & work or be with - around all of the time when they were home. Which still was not often. As when they did get some time off, they took off & went somewhere else. To in part, anyway, get away from me. Even if they do like, or love to travel. So bringing it back to you, then. Maybe they can come around sooner to a point or place where they can still reach a better or higher place of respect, with you. I would certainly hope this for you. For I can tell how much it is weighing on you. heavily, and on your heart & such. So that is what I'd wish for you. It might have to start with depriving them of some of your care. Or I don't know. If you go "cold turkey," on them. As in pull the plug on all or a lot of / many - things. They might have a tough time adjusting to that change. When it is such a radical departure from what they've been used to & accustomed to, from you. But just do your best, and whatever you can and think you're capable of pulling off, and achieving. Above all else: here is what you should do. . . Put yourself first~!*
Anyway--> Sorry for the side-bar, & tangent, there; i don't know where I go tlost: or what came over me? I believe that it is not over for your sons. In terms of hope & belief that they can change in the future. That they wish for your change in disability status to suit their own needs, however, is mind boggling & baffling to me, quite honestly. It'd be one thing if they were right, or as in correct, on some of their reads. Then it might be a different story. Though still, I'd favor some compassion in the name of family & the dynamic that should exist between Mother & Sons. My situation at home (living) was not ideal. It was uncomfortable, and awkward to put it mildly or best. They both worked unbelievably. So I didn't see them as often as I otherwise would have. And it was unbearable enough as it was. Becuase I did not belong there. And they knew this. And they made it known to me (that I was not overly welcome) often. Unable to always work, but being treated professionally by both psychiatry & psychology. They & their pHd brains & minds, could not wrap their minds around, at the time (& I'm not certain much has changed?) ...the fact that, one could be receiving such care, such as being on meds, for depression or anxiety. And yet -- STILL Not be well (or getting much better). This was just (simply) incomprehensible to them. And they took their frustrations with this out on me routinely. So that was fun. Still, while not a treat to live & work or be with - around all of the time when they were home. Which still was not often. As when they did get some time off, they took off & went somewhere else. To in part, anyway, get away from me. Even if they do like, or love to travel. So bringing it back to you, then. Maybe they can come around sooner to a point or place where they can still reach a better or higher place of respect, with you. I would certainly hope this for you. For I can tell how much it is weighing on you. heavily, and on your heart & such. So that is what I'd wish for you. It might have to start with depriving them of some of your care. Or I don't know. If you go "cold turkey," on them. As in pull the plug on all or a lot of / many - things. They might have a tough time adjusting to that change. When it is such a radical departure from what they've been used to & accustomed to, from you. But just do your best, and whatever you can and think you're capable of pulling off, and achieving. Above all else: here is what you should do. . . Put yourself first~!*
Good luck, with the progress on the things with which you've sent your bloddy doc's in the mail w/there @JMG ~
And hopefully, you DO get to see it: the eclipse!
On your fam that you don't always agree with. I hope it is more then, than now. For if it is still a problem. And it is anything more than a minor one. Then I'd say just to have your guard up & defenses tightened/walls raised, as you say or allude to. For I don't think it's unreasonable or out of the question, to just throw your hands up, and say, at any point, if it starts heading in a direction you don't want them to be taking it in, or for you to be going (in). . . Then to just say, "Stop. Wait. No, this is not oaky! ...& we're not going to be having this discussion to day." Be firm. Don't have to spazz or get overly emotional or anything. Simply be direct, and tell them we're not having any of that right now. Just wanted to have a civil convo/conversation & etc. Hopefully they can abide by that, an drespect your decision & your wishes. For if they've got some things to get off their chest, and set right or straight with you (for you silence? or absence of desire to see them or hear from them again as of late - last 5 yrs. or so) then that is on them and no responsibility or problem/fault/or burden on you or yourself. So just remember that. You don't owe them anything. More than your willingness to meet them half-way. And to give them a chance. Not necessarily to make amends, thought that would be great.It's har do texpect people to change. So i'd get my expectations, well not all that up, shall we say. And then if they do you can somehow be blown away as in surprised, and pleasantly so. But so long as they don't want to drag you down in to the mud with them, or begin to put you up on the stand & to start grilling you again. Then I'd say that hopefully every thing will be o. k. Good luck & best wishes with this! Some people, well many in fact & often, especially of your Grandmother's generation. They don't view depressino & other mental illnesses al l that favorable, or kindly, let's just say. It is a label, though however. And so, it'slike, once you've done that. Then you're done (too) having to think about them any longer. Because you've already summed it up, with when you've begun to pass judgement on thme. And so on. . . : )
And hopefully, you DO get to see it: the eclipse!
On your fam that you don't always agree with. I hope it is more then, than now. For if it is still a problem. And it is anything more than a minor one. Then I'd say just to have your guard up & defenses tightened/walls raised, as you say or allude to. For I don't think it's unreasonable or out of the question, to just throw your hands up, and say, at any point, if it starts heading in a direction you don't want them to be taking it in, or for you to be going (in). . . Then to just say, "Stop. Wait. No, this is not oaky! ...& we're not going to be having this discussion to day." Be firm. Don't have to spazz or get overly emotional or anything. Simply be direct, and tell them we're not having any of that right now. Just wanted to have a civil convo/conversation & etc. Hopefully they can abide by that, an drespect your decision & your wishes. For if they've got some things to get off their chest, and set right or straight with you (for you silence? or absence of desire to see them or hear from them again as of late - last 5 yrs. or so) then that is on them and no responsibility or problem/fault/or burden on you or yourself. So just remember that. You don't owe them anything. More than your willingness to meet them half-way. And to give them a chance. Not necessarily to make amends, thought that would be great.It's har do texpect people to change. So i'd get my expectations, well not all that up, shall we say. And then if they do you can somehow be blown away as in surprised, and pleasantly so. But so long as they don't want to drag you down in to the mud with them, or begin to put you up on the stand & to start grilling you again. Then I'd say that hopefully every thing will be o. k. Good luck & best wishes with this! Some people, well many in fact & often, especially of your Grandmother's generation. They don't view depressino & other mental illnesses al l that favorable, or kindly, let's just say. It is a label, though however. And so, it'slike, once you've done that. Then you're done (too) having to think about them any longer. Because you've already summed it up, with when you've begun to pass judgement on thme. And so on. . . : )
Good luck, with the progress on the things with which you've sent your bloddy doc's in the mail w/there @JMG ~
And hopefully, you DO get to see it: the eclipse!
On your fam that you don't always agree with. I hope it is more then, than now. For if it is still a problem. And it is anything more than a minor one. Then I'd say just to have your guard up & defenses tightened/walls raised, as you say or allude to. For I don't think it's unreasonable or out of the question, to just throw your hands up, and say, at any point, if it starts heading in a direction you don't want them to be taking it in, or for you to be going (in). . . Then to just say, "Stop. Wait. No, this is not oaky! ...& we're not going to be having this discussion to day." Be firm. Don't have to spazz or get overly emotional or anything. Simply be direct, and tell them we're not having any of that right now. Just wanted to have a civil convo/conversation & etc. Hopefully they can abide by that, an drespect your decision & your wishes. For if they've got some things to get off their chest, and set right or straight with you (for you silence? or absence of desire to see them or hear from them again as of late - last 5 yrs. or so) then that is on them and no responsibility or problem/fault/or burden on you or yourself. So just remember that. You don't owe them anything. More than your willingness to meet them half-way. And to give them a chance. Not necessarily to make amends, thought that would be great.It's har do texpect people to change. So i'd get my expectations, well not all that up, shall we say. And then if they do you can somehow be blown away as in surprised, and pleasantly so. But so long as they don't want to drag you down in to the mud with them, or begin to put you up on the stand & to start grilling you again. Then I'd say that hopefully every thing will be o. k. Good luck & best wishes with this! Some people, well many in fact & often, especially of your Grandmother's generation. They don't view depressino & other mental illnesses al l that favorable, or kindly, let's just say. It is a label, though however. And so, it'slike, once you've done that. Then you're done (too) having to think about them any longer. Because you've already summed it up, with when you've begun to pass judgement on thme. And so on. . . : )
And hopefully, you DO get to see it: the eclipse!
On your fam that you don't always agree with. I hope it is more then, than now. For if it is still a problem. And it is anything more than a minor one. Then I'd say just to have your guard up & defenses tightened/walls raised, as you say or allude to. For I don't think it's unreasonable or out of the question, to just throw your hands up, and say, at any point, if it starts heading in a direction you don't want them to be taking it in, or for you to be going (in). . . Then to just say, "Stop. Wait. No, this is not oaky! ...& we're not going to be having this discussion to day." Be firm. Don't have to spazz or get overly emotional or anything. Simply be direct, and tell them we're not having any of that right now. Just wanted to have a civil convo/conversation & etc. Hopefully they can abide by that, an drespect your decision & your wishes. For if they've got some things to get off their chest, and set right or straight with you (for you silence? or absence of desire to see them or hear from them again as of late - last 5 yrs. or so) then that is on them and no responsibility or problem/fault/or burden on you or yourself. So just remember that. You don't owe them anything. More than your willingness to meet them half-way. And to give them a chance. Not necessarily to make amends, thought that would be great.It's har do texpect people to change. So i'd get my expectations, well not all that up, shall we say. And then if they do you can somehow be blown away as in surprised, and pleasantly so. But so long as they don't want to drag you down in to the mud with them, or begin to put you up on the stand & to start grilling you again. Then I'd say that hopefully every thing will be o. k. Good luck & best wishes with this! Some people, well many in fact & often, especially of your Grandmother's generation. They don't view depressino & other mental illnesses al l that favorable, or kindly, let's just say. It is a label, though however. And so, it'slike, once you've done that. Then you're done (too) having to think about them any longer. Because you've already summed it up, with when you've begun to pass judgement on thme. And so on. . . : )
Ya, I am just hoping for the best with the lunch with my gran this Saturday, and also doing all I can to prepare myself for it too. Just cannot afford to be blindsided by any kind of negativity right now, it’s the absolute last thing I need when I am already trying so hard to stay strong, positive, hopeful and optimistic about things.Ya I am looking forward to hopefully being able to see the eclipse a bit tomorrow, it should be cool. Thanks for hoping/wishing me luck with being able to see it, and also with how it ends up going with my gran this Saturday. Wishing you a nice day
Oh and as for “how I’m feeling right now”, well a lot of things I guess - worried, guilty, uncertain, unclear, tired and maybe a bit stressed too. Will have a lot less stress at this time next week at least (hopefully, lol)
life is worth living for almost everyone. everyone has a large road to journey between birth and death. we all have to deal with sharp turns and detours that can make life difficult. i have found on my journey especially in my later years that joy, any joy can go a long way when life shoots us with unpleasant situations. i hope your road straightens out soon so your life will encompass some happiness
mike.....
mike.....