How Are You Feeling Right Now?

[mosaic hearts]

☆☆☆Trigger Warning - post mentions organized ab*se & suic*dal urges☆☆☆​

Hello,

I hope I don't sound too selfish in asking to be heard & understood today versus offering support. Please excuse me if I don't go into great detail. I don't want to trigger anyone. However, I need to say I'm a survivor of severe ab*se in childhood & adolescence including organized ab*se & bullying throughout school. Easter, springtime, & my May birthday are huge triggers for me. I suffer from Dissociative Identity Disorder, Complex PTSD, & Major Depressive Disorder. I'm dealing with flashbacks & abreactions (i.e., reliving an entire ab*se episode physically & emotionally) daily - & often multiple times a day - since late last March. For the past two weeks I'm also dealing with suic*dal urges that come in waves & originate from me & two of my child alters inside that went through some of my severest ab*se. I arranged to see my new therapist this coming Monday afternoon for an emergency session because the suic*dal urges are increasing in severity. (My last therapist retired & closed his practice.) They're especially strong the last few days including today. I stayed home from work today because I can't focus & concentrate due to everything that's going on. I hope my therapist can help me help myself diffuse things so that I can cope & function better. I'm getting very tired & beginning to think this is no way to live. I'm taking Paxil for my C-PTSD, but it's not helping me at all right now. I used to take Effexor XR, which helped me more with my C-PTSD symptoms. However, my family doctor switched me to Paxil because I also have hypertension & Effexor is known to increase blood pressure as a side-effect. That's where I am right now. I don't want to go on & on. I don't want people to think that I think I'm the only one with problems. I know I'm not. Thank you for reading.

Mosaic Hearts

Well, I see my new clinical psychologist today at 3:00 pm for my emergency session (I'm on the west coast of Canada). I'm scared because of what's going on with me. I'm afraid she's going to want to put me in the hospital once she hears what I've to say. She doesn't yet know me in terms of how much suffering I can take or not take & how well she can trust me with being safe or not safe. We've been working together for only a little over a month. This is going to sound absolutely ridiculous but I can't be in a hospital. I have to work! So, yes, I'm coping with severe suic*dal urges that come in waves. And yes, I'm getting really tired. But I'm surviving. Whenever I'm in this mess, I always think of REM's Everbody Hurts. It's a bit dated, but I feel comfort when I listen to it. So, I've been listening to it a lot, lol. I hope this was okay to share. Thank you for giving me a space where I can be honest with my feelings & thoughts. It's a huge relief to be authentic here. In the rest of life I'm.always hiding & covering up.

Mosaic Hearts 💕

 

[1Lefty]

Well, I see my new clinical psychologist today at 3:00 pm for my emergency session (I'm on the west coast of Canada). I'm scared because of what's going on with me. I'm afraid she's going to want to put me in the hospital once she hears what I've to say. She doesn't yet know me in terms of how much suffering I can take or not take & how well she can trust me with being safe or not safe. We've been working together for only a little over a month. This is going to sound absolutely ridiculous but I can't be in a hospital. I have to work! So, yes, I'm coping with severe suic*dal urges that come in waves. And yes, I'm getting really tired. But I'm surviving. Whenever I'm in this mess, I always think of REM's Everbody Hurts. It's a bit dated, but I feel comfort when I listen to it. So, I've been listening to it a lot, lol. I hope this was okay to share. Thank you for giving me a space where I can be honest with my feelings & thoughts. It's a huge relief to be authentic here. In the rest of life I'm.always hiding & covering up.

Mosaic Hearts 💕

I love REM's Everybody Hurts, sometimes it's my theme song that I hold onto in bad times

peace

 

[AvidFan]

A bit anxious. Also I have a stomachache

I hope you feel less anxious soon and that your stomach ache resolves quickly.

 

[AvidFan]

Sleepy, awake at 3 am, but can't go back to sleep

peace

🤨 Hate those times when your body is saying you need to sleep, but at the same time is refusing to sleep.

 

[mosaic hearts]

I love REM's Everybody Hurts, sometimes it's my theme song that I hold onto in bad times

peace

I'm so glad. Thank you for sharing that!

 

[AvidFan]

Feeling the best I've felt in 2-3 weeks. Calm, myself, grounded, content. Not started work yet but it's a good start to a Monday!

 

[AvidFan]

Trying to be patient. Call from India regarding laptop is 10 minutes late. This is why I was/am always wary of calling support lines in the first place - playing telephone tennis when I've better things to do and need to pre-arrange calls at specific times around other commitments in my diary. On the other hand, the laptop is fixed so I would assume this call is only a follow up. She did say something about Tuesday if she missed me. I assume they'll close the case if they call and don't get through enough times. I am not really bothered about follow up if things are working fine now! Job done!

 

[AvidFan]

Looks like this call isn't coming. Going to make a coffee and enter my home office, and begin work for the day 😒

 

[AvidFan]

Hmm, it was all going so well. Then dealing with an email I went to hunt down some paperwork, bent over, twisted to one side and have torn something in my side. Then I took ibuprofen before reading this will slow down the healing process. Bugger.

 

[jess♡]

Emotional wreck

 

[AvidFan]

Emotional wreck

Sorry to hear that

 

[jess♡]

Sorry to hear that

Thank you, my partner thinking it’s ok to treat me the way he currently is, it’s not nice. It’s making me feel very unstable.

 

[PrincessPure]

Im freaking sick of the wrong people hitting on me all the time. Where is the decent rich european doctor....ugh

 

[puffymilk]

Tired

 

[Windhover]

Hmm, it was all going so well. Then dealing with an email I went to hunt down some paperwork, bent over, twisted to one side and have torn something in my side. Then I took ibuprofen before reading this will slow down the healing process. Bugger.

Sorry this happened - I hope it's not actually a tear!

Emotional wreck

Sleepy, awake at 3 am, but can't go back to sleep

peace

Healing and calm thoughts to all of us who are experiencing damage, pain, whether physical or mental or both.
🪷🌸🌿🪻🌲

 

[AvidFan]

Stoic. I did an hour of work today, 1000 word draft report on a new fangled IT system that's being rolled out. Saved OK, but as I saved the date wrong that's likely the last I will see of that work unless IT support pull a finger out. If you don't change the date for some reason it defaults to 1/1/24 instead of the current date - but when you go in to access the draft it will only display anything from the date the new system was initiated - 20/1/24. Sigh, technology. But the stress of that is minor compared to what was going on the last few weeks so am not going to sweat too much about it.

 

[AvidFan]

@seabird I'm not feeling anything major yet, which might be a good sign - thanks for your well wishes 😊

 

[Bergerac]

just completed another painting, for my friend. x

 

[AvidFan]

Buoyant - have finally completed a work thing that is months overdue and has been hanging over me. It has been laborious, pointless to the point of being absurd, and extremely annoying, but the fact it wasn't done has prevented me from moving on to other things. Finally got this piece of shit out of the way and feel so much lighter. Even though I did lose 1000 words to the tech demons.

Finally - big exhale of breath

 

[AvidFan]

Relaxed. I am on the sofa, my injury doesn't seem too bad. It seems to be in a place where I don't often use muscles, probably why it hurt! Only time I've had any pain is when I sat down low to pull my socks on. I went shopping and had to crawl into a shelf space to retrieve the savers brand of soya milk that was in hiding at the back, without too much trouble, so hopefully it's nowhere near as bad as the one I did when I tried to pick up Tiddles on her first day - that was bloody weeks of agony!