Yes, but when you find yourself teeter-totterring on the edge where things can go one way or the other at anytime with never-ending problems & no break from them in sight, it's really hard to hold on for a better tomorrow. When will that better tomorrow come? It's been almost five months of daily struggle with emotional & mental pain bordering on agony for me. I'm at the point now where I'm okay with me not being around anymore. What keeps me tethered to this earthly existence is not wanting to hurt my best friend & to make my 11-year-old Maine Coon Cross an orphan. I love them beyond description. But I'm so tired. When will this all stop? I wish I could talk to my new therapist about how I'm doing. Maybe some cognitive behavioral therapy around my thoughts would help. Sadly, she's unavailable to me except for occasional sessions because she's busy with skills training that conflict with my work schedule & she charges so much money ($260⁰⁰/hour) that I can't afford to see her regularly. She has no idea that I'm struggling so badly. The last time I told her I was struggling with suicidal thoughts was at an in-person appointment about two months ago. Her reaction was that she immediately threatened me with calling for Car 87 - where a Vancouver police officer (I live in British Columbia, Canada) & a psychiatric nurse work together to provide crisis intervention & take you to the emergency room. The fear - & shame - of that happening was so overwhelming that I instantly stopped telling her about my suicidal thoughts & said, "I'll be fine, I can handle myself, don't worry about me." Frankly, I think she's afraid of dealing with suicidal clients even though she's a registered clinical psychologist with many years experience treating clients inpatient & out. Then she vacillated on me. When I emailed her last Thursday, I told her that a child alter & a teen alter are suicidal & I wanted to talk to her about that over the phone (I'm DID). I even offered to pay her for her time. She didn't react, instead telling me how it was a long week for her with skills training (EMDR & Ericksonian Hypnosis) & that I should take care of myself. Mental health professionals are useless. They either overreact & threaten you or underreact & dismiss or don't even hear you. So, you do the best you can. All the while getting tireder & tireder & tireder.
