How Are You Feeling Right Now?

[mosaic hearts]

The emotional pain is killing me. I can't survive this. I want to die so badly right now. I don't know if I can hold on. But I made a promise to myself and one other person that no matter how awful I feel, I won't take the steps to irrevocably harm myself. The impulse/urge/push is overwhelming. There are no words to describe how & what I'm feeling and thinking right now. I promised to fight but I'm so tired. I'm so tired. I don't know what to do. I really don't. Sorry for dragging everybody done.

@Aurelia, this post was written by my teen suicidal alter named Seventeen, not by me. She's in severe emotional pain because of the horrific ab*se she experienced. It's our reality right now.

 

[Aurelia]

@Aurelia, this post was written by my teen suicidal alter named Seventeen, not by me. She's in severe emotional pain because of the horrific ab*se she experienced. It's our reality right now.

Ah, I didn't know you had DID, forgive me. However, my concern is that since your alter is still a part of you, this means that when she is in danger, you are too. So please, stay safe, all of you, no matter who is speaking at the time.

 

[Angie]

Restless and not wanting to face things.

the evening will be long.

 

[SillyOldBear]

Restless and not wanting to face things.

the evening will be long.

 

[mosaic hearts]

Ah, I didn't know you had DID, forgive me. However, my concern is that since your alter is still a part of you, this means that when she is in danger, you are too. So please, stay safe, all of you, no matter who is speaking at the time.

Thank you. You're very right. We just finished a 90-minute session today with our psychologist & see her again this Friday. ☆☆☆Trigger Warning☆☆☆ Our teenage alter that wrote the post set a date & time for her suicide attempt. We're working very hard to change her mind & de-escalate the situation. If she continues to have high intent then I'm looking at being hospitalized for my/our safety. Not fun. A lot of suffering.

 

[Inanimate]

You are never an outsider here, or perhaps we are all here as outsiders. You are surrounded by those that accept you and want to be sure you are welcome and your spot with us is never pointless. Take best care of yourself that you can.

That’s reassuring. I appreciate your kind words. I have too much time to think. The more I think, the more isolated I feel.

 

[mosaic hearts]

Restless and not wanting to face things.

the evening will be long.

I understand. Hugs, a supportive ear, & love coming your way!💓

 

[LumberJack]

Restless and not wanting to face things.

the evening will be long.

Hugs from afar

 

[LumberJack]

That’s reassuring. I appreciate your kind words. I have too much time to think. The more I think, the more isolated I feel.

At least you know… I’m the same way but it turns out that it’s not normal. Isolation is difficult, because you don’t want to connect with the wrong people, but for most of us it is an instinctive need to connect with others. It’s difficult to trust when you’ve been hurt before.

 

[Inanimate]

At least you know… I’m the same way but it turns out that it’s not normal. Isolation is difficult, because you don’t want to connect with the wrong people, but for most of us it is an instinctive need to connect with others. It’s difficult to trust when you’ve been hurt before.

Yeah. Vulnerability to betrayal and the pain it could cause is all I think about. Too focused on saying the right thing instead of what comes naturally. Most interactions feel like a performance for the sake of not getting hurt. I just expend energy on maintaining neutrality.

 

[Angie]

Hugs from afar

thank you

I just went to bed and slept 4 hours, waking up to face the same stuff that I went to bed to avoid.

I am wrestling with thoughts about the future.

 

[Theshadowbeingofdark]

Inconsequential

 

[Lane]

Inconsequential

IWelcome to SF, a forum in which you can share your thoughts and feelings without judgement. I am sorry to hear that your feeling inconsequential. You matter.

 

[Lane]

My son turned 29 yesterday and he sounded miserable. I believe he struggles with depression. I can't help but think that if I had made different choices his life would be different. My mother said "your children will never forgive you" when I decided to leave my husband those years ago. It hurts to see my children in pain.

 

[MisterBGone]

My son turned 29 yesterday and he sounded miserable. I believe he struggles with depression. I can't help but think that if I had made different choices his life would be different. My mother said "your children will never forgive you" when I decided to leave my husband those years ago. It hurts to see my children in pain.

No, I don't think that likely had anything, or very much to do with it... If or unless, you were horribly abusive, or something like that, with or on him. Then that might be a different story. As you know: there's the environmental side of things (of which, you are only one slice, or part of the equation) & then the genetic / component. So understand that - even if you did do something to him, which would allow or account for this. He has been an Adult now, for a little while anyway (even if not fully capable of being whatever that might entail; in terms of, 100% of this, or that--responsibility wise, or successful enterprise in life & such). . . And so, he too is to be held accountable for that which is in or under his control. If he's got diagnosable depression (levels of). And even more so, if he is not be treated (professionally). Then that is going to be a bit of a barrier, or a hindrance. To his cause, and his forward progress in life. So my whole point in all of this, is that, you are not to blame for however he turned out, with respect to his level or quality of depreesion that he is facing in his life. Flor there are mnay other factors. And also, it is a trying time in many peolpe's lives at this juncture or age, in which he is at. Maybe things will even or smooth out a little bit, onc e he turns tthe wcorner 9sort of~*) best wishes! Don't go too hard on yourself, and give yourself a break. I can tell you're a good/great/wonderful & terrriific Mom: just by the way in which oyu speak of him, and your otehr kids too.

 

[Lane]

No, I don't think that likely had anything, or very much to do with it... If or unless, you were horribly abusive, or something like that, with or on him. Then that might be a different story. As you know: there's the environmental side of things (of which, you are only one slice, or part of the equation) & then the genetic / component. So understand that - even if you did do something to him, which would allow or account for this. He has been an Adult now, for a little while anyway (even if not fully capable of being whatever that might entail; in terms of, 100% of this, or that--responsibility wise, or successful enterprise in life & such). . . And so, he too is to be held accountable for that which is in or under his control. If he's got diagnosable depression (levels of). And even more so, if he is not be treated (professionally). Then that is going to be a bit of a barrier, or a hindrance. To his cause, and his forward progress in life. So my whole point in all of this, is that, you are not to blame for however he turned out, with respect to his level or quality of depreesion that he is facing in his life. Flor there are mnay other factors. And also, it is a trying time in many peolpe's lives at this juncture or age, in which he is at. Maybe things will even or smooth out a little bit, onc e he turns tthe wcorner 9sort of~*) best wishes! Don't go too hard on yourself, and give yourself a break. I can tell you're a good/great/wonderful & terrriific Mom: just by the way in which oyu speak of him, and your otehr kids too.

Thanks for your words of support Mister B. Yes, maybe when he turns the corner of 29 he'll feel better. I hope you're doing well.

 

[may71]

I can't help but think that if I had made different choices his life would be different. My mother said "your children will never forgive you" when I decided to leave my husband those years ago.

I don't know the circumstances under which you left your husband, but I think often times children can be better off without the father there, depending on the father. Certainly if he was violent or abusive, things could have been much worse for your kids if you had stayed.

 

[cymbele]

My son turned 29 yesterday and he sounded miserable. I believe he struggles with depression. I can't help but think that if I had made different choices his life would be different. My mother said "your children will never forgive you" when I decided to leave my husband those years ago. It hurts to see my children in pain.

Lane, I learned at DivorceCare that the kids tend to blame the mother. It took a while for my daughter to accept that we "fell out of love" even though it wasn't the root cause. The kids have to grow up even though we care about them. And learn to love us unconditionally.

 

[cymbele]

Home now. The pain is receding. Life is good.

 

[may71]

Sending safe hugs for you @mosaic hearts

I hope that you can stay safe and that you'll be ok