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How Are You Feeling Right Now?
- Thread starter UNREGISTERED0000
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So, what are you saying, @Shinzon1 ?
I may be a crackpot, but I am confident in my application of Bayes's Theorem. j/k I know you didn't mean that to refer to me
. It is heavily misunderstood by people who don't understand how theorems are proven, but there's also a whole group of people who think the moon landing was a hoax, and a Kubrick film, at that. I disagree, citing the lack of a self-styled cowboy character riding any rockets.
I may be a crackpot, but I am confident in my application of Bayes's Theorem. j/k I know you didn't mean that to refer to me
. It is heavily misunderstood by people who don't understand how theorems are proven, but there's also a whole group of people who think the moon landing was a hoax, and a Kubrick film, at that. I disagree, citing the lack of a self-styled cowboy character riding any rockets. Tormented by stretch marks due to rapid weight gain from taking antipsychotics as well as extensive scarring from past self-injury. I want to recover and salvage some trace of my previous life, but the shame of what I’ve done is not only impossible to avoid but is also seemingly the most appropriate way to cope with my disfigurement.
In short ( aka TL;DR version) - please be gentle with yourself.
Why:
My prior therapist did a ton of work with me over shame, because I had internalized the blame that my caretakers would put on me for all the problems in the house. Per her, there is toxic shame and healthy shame. Healthy shame inhibits anti-social behaviors, for example theft, taking credit for someone else's work, or calling someone a poopy-head in public. I think healthy shame is sorely, sorely lacking in both the political and business arenas, but that's just me.
Toxic shame, by contrast, causes us to doubt and punish ourselves. It is more a tendency to identify with regrettable behavior and to internalize negative messages we received during times when we were vulnerable. This differs from the traditional distinction of shame vs guilt. IMHO guilt is a matter of fact. Either I did something or I didn't. Shame is the value judgment around whether what we did is morally wrong, which can either lead to us taking a different approach next time, or in the toxic case, lead us to hate and punish ourselves.
I am arguing that the most appropriate way to cope with shame is to make what reparations you can without causing further harm to yourself or others. This may or may not be possible, but either way we can acknowledge that we made a mistake ("I f*cked up") without deciding that we are a mistake ("I am a f*ckup"). With this awareness we can resolve to handle similar situations better going forward. I know society uses an enormous amount of toxic shame to push unhealthy behaviors into the shadows, but I think that this punishment mentality is toxic in more ways than one.
Why:
My prior therapist did a ton of work with me over shame, because I had internalized the blame that my caretakers would put on me for all the problems in the house. Per her, there is toxic shame and healthy shame. Healthy shame inhibits anti-social behaviors, for example theft, taking credit for someone else's work, or calling someone a poopy-head in public. I think healthy shame is sorely, sorely lacking in both the political and business arenas, but that's just me.
Toxic shame, by contrast, causes us to doubt and punish ourselves. It is more a tendency to identify with regrettable behavior and to internalize negative messages we received during times when we were vulnerable. This differs from the traditional distinction of shame vs guilt. IMHO guilt is a matter of fact. Either I did something or I didn't. Shame is the value judgment around whether what we did is morally wrong, which can either lead to us taking a different approach next time, or in the toxic case, lead us to hate and punish ourselves.
I am arguing that the most appropriate way to cope with shame is to make what reparations you can without causing further harm to yourself or others. This may or may not be possible, but either way we can acknowledge that we made a mistake ("I f*cked up") without deciding that we are a mistake ("I am a f*ckup"). With this awareness we can resolve to handle similar situations better going forward. I know society uses an enormous amount of toxic shame to push unhealthy behaviors into the shadows, but I think that this punishment mentality is toxic in more ways than one.
Interesting thoughts and take on shame. I'm reading about the reward and punish culture at the moment, especially around the self focus we tend to have around punishing ourselves and not rewarding ourselves for our achievements, instead focusing on the 'wrong' we have done. I like the idea in your post about acknowledge of a mistake, rather than we are a mistake - interesting.