How Are You Feeling Right Now?

[LumberJack]

Right now I’m feeling a little bit empowered. I’m experimenting with doing little things just for myself that I would normally be too shy to go for. I figure that someone will tell me if I’m interfering with their business. So far nobody really cares.

This morning I washed my windows at a gas station without buying gas. Nobody even noticed.

I also asked at a fast food place if I could use my own cup for the soda fountain. No big deal, but I saved one straw from the ocean. I am not proud of buying a Coke product because the CEO is sucking up to the wannabe fascist, but Pepsi is rare in my neighborhood and for all I know, that corp has done some sketchy things too.

Just little things, but acting as if my wants and needs were as valid as anyone else’s is a bit of a lift.

 

[Inastorm]

RN I feel pretty frustrated. Being jobless is very painful for me because I don't feel like I contribute to society at large in any other way.

The root cause is the fall from grace. I don't have headhunters trying to recruit me as was the case 10 years ago. At the job before my last job (penultimate job, lol) - I went from guru/rockstar under one manager, to be written up for performance under another. The expectations of the job changed, and I did not have the tools I needed to meet the new demands. It further complicated things that this manager had a beef with me from a prior interaction when we were peers. I went into a new job where I would be an engineer being managed by another engineer, and a damn good one at that. That company has financial issues though, and laid off half the IT workers including yours truly.

So now I am facing a job market where 10s of 1,000s of people in my field have also been recently shown the door. It's hard to even get a call back. I don't even know if my resume makes it through the automated screening, and suspect the job posting stops accepting resumes after a threshold of applications come in - but nobody in HR thinks to close the job posting. Even more fun, is the fact that many of these jobs are with fed govt employers that require a security clearance. I don't have one, and the background check for getting one includes interviews with everyone who has even a tangential relationship with you so they can assess your fraud risk. I simply don't know enough people to be able to provide that many references. So, that sucks, but who cares because it's not like employment with the state is exactly so secure anymore.

I just feel like a slob - I used to be so in demand that I could just peace out from one job and have three new offers lined up and now I'm coming up on 3 months of being out of commission - which is damn near a deal killer unless I can explain it pretty well. I do have an explanation, i.e., current economic conditions, however if the gap sends my resume into the internet black hole I have no opportunity anyway.

I understand what you mean as work/ career do define us, but i think this is also the issue. How would you feel when you retire and you no longer work. Or are unable to work through disability. While i totally get your point, I would also encourage to establish an identity beyond work/ job. Im sure you do anyway, for example you have a good identity on the forum.

 

[Inastorm]

I know exactly how this is bc it's the same for me; feels like he's haunting me though I don't think he's dead. At least, afaik. Though, when I'm asleep with no dreams it's a great relief from the anxiety of it all. I hope you can get some closure Inastorm. I doubt I ever will and have been re-thinking how to go from here, meaning going forward (not to suicide).

I hope your tattoo goes well.

Thanks for your kind comments, much appreciated. My tattoo is very very cool.
Hope you find a way through yourself.

 

[Inastorm]

I would not say you’re asking too much. If someone was to go no-contact after that long, it is normal for you to want to know why, and if I were in the other person’s shoes, I would feel like I owed the other an explanation.

We can’t always get what we deserve, though. I think it’s totally sensible that you are hurting. Humans have a deep yearning for closure, but too often, closure is not attainable. I’m sorry that it’s hurting you so much.

Thanks for your comments. In some ways i understand, they had explained things prior to leaving pretty clearly, through also contradictory, as they said different things. Though a few times they did threaten to leave I would start crying and drop to their feet begging for them not to go. So theres that also, so maybe they dont want a repeat of that and feels its better just to have a clean break and no contact. They will have their reasons, im just struggling with it all and missing them.

 

[LumberJack]

Thanks for your comments. In some ways i understand, they had explained things prior to leaving pretty clearly, through also contradictory, as they said different things. Though a few times they did threaten to leave I would start crying and drop to their feet begging for them not to go. So theres that also, so maybe they dont want a repeat of that and feels its better just to have a clean break and no contact. They will have their reasons, im just struggling with it all and missing them.

Ok. I still believe it’s very common to feel the way you do right now. I would say “normal,” but what the hell is normal anyway? Normal also carries a connotation of being the only “right” way and not normal is the opposite judgment.

I’m relatively sure I have said this already, but it bears repeating, even if it doesn’t resonate with you. The key is to let the emotions flow through. That will be uncomfortable at first. If you’re likeme, it feels like I won’t be able to handle it and I will keep crying forever, like the emotional equivalent of too much current running through a too small wire.

That’s not been my experience though. I’m learning not to constrict against my grief, as in working against the temptation to physically cramp up as if I could avoid strong emotions if I just made myself small enough. I noticed that the crying came in fits and starts instead of going on and on as happens when I get upset about being weak or that I should be over it by now.

I have learned that intermittent crying is a more natural way to process grief. I look at babies and observe that they cry like this, too. Just off and on for a little while and then they get distracted again and forget all about it.

 

[AmberMarie]

Stuck in a spiral and to lost to find my way out.

 

[Shinzon1]

A bit mortified. I have dealt with the past year a persistent feeling of being dumber after basically trying to pickle myself for about a month about a year ago.

What I realized was that was missing was anger. I relied so much on anger to clear my mind and function that essentially trying to be "well" was making me less intelligent. Basically being mad at the world and mostly myself and feeling like I was competing with everyone was the difference.

Like I don't really know how to process that cause on one end I feel less miserable on a daily basis but I function less well at what matters to me.

 

[puffymilk]

I feel pretty happy

 

[LumberJack]

I’m really struggling so far today. I use my coping skills and I feel better for 10-20 minutes and then I’m back in a feeling that I need to lay down and die. It’s painful and I want to give up.

This prolly sounds corny af, but my intention for today is to “just keep swimming.” Feels lame because it’s from a kids’ movie but oh well. I feel like I am mentally 8 y/o today anyway. I don’t know how or why. I don’t have to know; I just have to do the best thing that I can, even though it’s not at the best of my abilities.

 

[Windhover]

I'm feeling lost, again, for what feels like the 100 millionth time. I kill off or squash the anxiety in various ways but it just comes back. I write stuff here, which means I exist in some way I guess. For what it's worth supposedly it all gets stored and aded o some machine learning algorithm.

 

[cymbele]

I just got put on overhead due to lack of work by my boss. Last time which is last year I got laid off because of overhead. And I have 2 months left before I can get onto Medicare so I’m not too worried but I would like to get paid for that time. Funny thing like last year they gave me extra bonuses for great performance just recently. Ah well that’s working for ya. But I have to get through the work day. Another half hour to go.

 

[Inastorm]

I'm feeling lost, again, for what feels like the 100 millionth time. I kill off or squash the anxiety in various ways but it just comes back. I write stuff here, which means I exist in some way I guess. For what it's worth supposedly it all gets stored and aded o some machine learning algorithm.

I hope you can set down some kind of anchor until your find your bearings, so you don't feel so lost. That said, I'm not doing much better, where I think I'll be heading to bed soon.

 

[AvidFan]

Tired. Just had a major energy crash. But I was up early today after not really sleeping and having some kind of painkiller related panic episode the other night. I've been doing OK - mentally, financially, but at the moment it feels like a never ending battle again. I booked myself the first trip to the coast in 5 years and I feel down because it's made my credit card bill a little too high for comfort... trying to comfort myself with the fact I haven't had to touch savings and am on top of things. Just hard to know how I'll keep going feeling so tired. I suppose being in pain for 2 weeks hasn't helped - and losing my running. I'm supposed to be doing my race on Sunday but can't say I'm looking forward to getting round with my dodgy body especially as it will be in the heat of the mid day sun. I normally really look forward to it and the atmosphere but feels like it's going to be a different kind of test. Maybe I just need a good night's sleep. Last night I went to bed early (before midnight) and woke up feeling like I'd slept. It was 2am 🤷‍♂️

 

[LumberJack]

I don’t like the way I feel right now. It’s like I keep feeling like I have messed up big time. I don’t even have a sense of whether it’s something I did, or something important that I didn’t do. It just feels like I’m on somebody’s hit list. Most likely someone who would enjoy taking me down and was biding his time until this opportunity to get me happened.

I keep reminding myself that I’m okay and it’s not like I have more than a couple commitments right now, and those are to sympathetic people who would be more lenient if I didn’t come through. It’s sad that I have to keep reminding myself of that. I do grounding or slowing down my respiration for 2 minutes and I feel better. Unfortunately the fear/shame comes back in less than 2 minutes, approximately.

I think in a way I might be manufacturing my own anxiety to feel this way because it’s familiar. Experiencing calm or feeling like I belong somewhere, somehow, was feeling pretty good, but I don’t like letting my guard down even if it’s worse.

 

[1964dodge]

I don’t like the way I feel right now. It’s like I keep feeling like I have messed up big time. I don’t even have a sense of whether it’s something I did, or something important that I didn’t do. It just feels like I’m on somebody’s hit list. Most likely someone who would enjoy taking me down and was biding his time until this opportunity to get me happened.

I keep reminding myself that I’m okay and it’s not like I have more than a couple commitments right now, and those are to sympathetic people who would be more lenient if I didn’t come through. It’s sad that I have to keep reminding myself of that. I do grounding or slowing down my respiration for 2 minutes and I feel better. Unfortunately the fear/shame comes back in less than 2 minutes, approximately.

I think in a way I might be manufacturing my own anxiety to feel this way because it’s familiar. Experiencing calm or feeling like I belong somewhere, somehow, was feeling pretty good, but I don’t like letting my guard down even if it’s worse.

 

[1964dodge]

Tired. Just had a major energy crash. But I was up early today after not really sleeping and having some kind of painkiller related panic episode the other night. I've been doing OK - mentally, financially, but at the moment it feels like a never ending battle again. I booked myself the first trip to the coast in 5 years and I feel down because it's made my credit card bill a little too high for comfort... trying to comfort myself with the fact I haven't had to touch savings and am on top of things. Just hard to know how I'll keep going feeling so tired. I suppose being in pain for 2 weeks hasn't helped - and losing my running. I'm supposed to be doing my race on Sunday but can't say I'm looking forward to getting round with my dodgy body especially as it will be in the heat of the mid day sun. I normally really look forward to it and the atmosphere but feels like it's going to be a different kind of test. Maybe I just need a good night's sleep. Last night I went to bed early (before midnight) and woke up feeling like I'd slept. It was 2am 🤷‍♂️

 

[1964dodge]

pretty good i guess. maybe i'll be better in 2 weeks when i bring my 64 dodge home. i'm really late this year, i usually take her out in march. wife is home from the hospital this week and is doing a lot better. i am more depressed and anxious than usual but i'm pretty much ok

mike

 

[AvidFan]

pretty good i guess. maybe i'll be better in 2 weeks when i bring my 64 dodge home. i'm really late this year, i usually take her out in march. wife is home from the hospital this week and is doing a lot better. i am more depressed and anxious than usual but i'm pretty much ok

mike

 

[1964dodge]

thank you

mike.....

 

[Shinzon1]

This probably will end up a forum post once I gather my thoughts but I feel a bit of shellshock.

Short version I was watching a video of a chess content creator I liked and she recently announced that she was diagnosed with high functioning autism at 37 years old and I watched the video when she talked about sort of her lived experience and things that she was describing that ultimately led to the diagnosis have been things that I have also experienced in my life

Now normally I would discount this as some sort of empathy as someone who is super anxious often. However I ended up thinking about something that happened at 21 that I had all but forgotten about.

Basically the first time I really sort of "went mad" I ended up having my first adult therapist really pushing me to see a psychiatrist. I really disliked the guy and felt super insulted by him saying that I had either borderline personality disorder or Asperger's. I discounted the Asperger's at the time with the help of the therapist and thought the guy was a quack.

After doing my own complex trauma work and working on better awareness of my emotions and some of the newer bits of info I just found out....I'm so unsure that the quack is wrong.

I haven't finished the video quite frankly I found it difficult weirdly. More to come