How Are You Feeling Right Now?

[FieryL]

Looks like I'm writing here a lot lately....

Again deeply scared that nothing moves forward, at least today, in the job search...
Still feeling not ideally after that short bout of grippe.. and kind of think that I've should done at least something today in terms of, well... but cannot think of what to do. Partly want to feel better first.

Time is ticking and it scares me...

 

[Windhover]

Keeping a lid on sad, missing, lost. Going to bed early so I can get up for a run before the heat hits.

 

[TragicReality]

Keeping a lid on sad, missing, lost. Going to bed early so I can get up for a run before the heat hits.

I hope you sleep and get a good rest.

 

[maybeicanheal]

Confused/hurt/guilty.

I feel confused because as some of you know, I recently had a mental health crisis that distorted my perception of reality. I've had this confirmed by multiple professionals, so I know I'm not making it up, but still- there's a part of my brain that won't accept it happened, and believes I am just a terrible person. I am confused by why some people in my life seem to have no understanding or patience for me, when I have endless patience for them. I feel hurt because it's not like I haven't been trying or working at getting better, I have- I just had a flare up in the face of extreme stress- and that part is not my fault. My actions during the breakdown were deplorable, and I regret them very much- so I feel incredibly guilty. But if the roles were reversed, I'd forgive me. And that's hard to process.

 

[crowgarden]

Like an idiot. I fucking hate myself. There's nothing I do right. I've been better mentally the past couple days but I'm making things worse for myself on purpose. I know that kinda thing is normal for people who've been mentally ill for a long time and aren't used to feeling anything positive, but I'm still disappointed in myself. At least this part of me is.

It's like I have two seperate personalities who both have a completely different outlook on life. One of them tries their best to be happy, to see the good in everything and to keep living. The other hates anything good, does everything to make me suffer and tells me to kill myself. The worst thing is that I don't know which one of them is me.

Every single thought, idea and emotion I have is against itself. Idk if that makes sense. For example, one part of me is desperately trying to stop me from drinking alcohol and the other one made me snort meth a couple days ago (it felt really good and I wanna do it again). I just don't know what to do. I feel like the longer I live, the worse this'll get.

I wish I could just tear my fucking skin off and die.

 

[Inastorm]

Feeling deeply sad today. Got up a bit late and did a little exercise and 10 mins of meditation. Had my lunch and going out into the garden for a couple of hours. Just feels pointless and I'm wanting to reach out (email) the missing person again, I the hope that they might contact me and we can talk, but they don't reply.

 

[maybeicanheal]

Feeling deeply sad today. Got up a bit late and did a little exercise and 10 mins of meditation. Had my lunch and going out into the garden for a couple of hours. Just feels pointless and I'm wanting to reach out (email) the missing person again, I the hope that they might contact me and we can talk, but they don't reply.

I'm sorry you're missing your person and that you're feeling so sad, I hope they contact you soon.

 

[puffymilk]

Great

 

[Inastorm]

Great

 

[crowgarden]

Great

That's awesome

 

[ClassicsFan]

Bitter.

 

[JanisSPK]

Feeling deeply sad today. Got up a bit late and did a little exercise and 10 mins of meditation. Had my lunch and going out into the garden for a couple of hours. Just feels pointless and I'm wanting to reach out (email) the missing person again, I the hope that they might contact me and we can talk, but they don't reply.

 

[Lane]

Looks like I'm writing here a lot lately....

Again deeply scared that nothing moves forward, at least today, in the job search...
Still feeling not ideally after that short bout of grippe.. and kind of think that I've should done at least something today in terms of, well... but cannot think of what to do. Partly want to feel better first.

Time is ticking and it scares me...

Job hunting can be very trying. It sounds like youre doing all that you can @FieryL and I hope the ideal job comes along soon.

 

[Lane]

Feeling deeply sad today. Got up a bit late and did a little exercise and 10 mins of meditation. Had my lunch and going out into the garden for a couple of hours. Just feels pointless and I'm wanting to reach out (email) the missing person again, I the hope that they might contact me and we can talk, but they don't reply.

I wish that I could meditate @Inastorm. I bet itsbl beneficial to one's mind and body. Have you been doing that for long? Is there any particular place that you meditate?

Im sorry that you're loved one hasn't replied. My sister banished me years back and it hurt like he'll.

 

[Lane]

Like an idiot. I fucking hate myself. There's nothing I do right. I've been better mentally the past couple days but I'm making things worse for myself on purpose. I know that kinda thing is normal for people who've been mentally ill for a long time and aren't used to feeling anything positive, but I'm still disappointed in myself. At least this part of me is.

It's like I have two seperate personalities who both have a completely different outlook on life. One of them tries their best to be happy, to see the good in everything and to keep living. The other hates anything good, does everything to make me suffer and tells me to kill myself. The worst thing is that I don't know which one of them is me.

Every single thought, idea and emotion I have is against itself. Idk if that makes sense. For example, one part of me is desperately trying to stop me from drinking alcohol and the other one made me snort meth a couple days ago (it felt really good and I wanna do it again). I just don't know what to do. I feel like the longer I live, the worse this'll get.

I wish I could just tear my fucking skin off and die.

You make complete sense @cinnnamonflakez. I get what you feel about thoughts fighting against one another. For me, it's like I know i should get out of bed, do self care and just join the living, but the pull to escape is too strong. I do wish you peace as you battle negative feelings.

 

[Lane]

Im feeling ok today, I think because my children are home and the house has some hustle and bustle. Otherwise I'd feel lonely except for my cat. My niece is still staying with me until she finds a job and I cherish the company.

I found out that my oldest daughter moved out of my town and bought a house near the shore. I think that this lessens the chance for us to reconcile. I try hard to keep my emotions in check otherwise I'd feel devastated.

 

[Inastorm]

I wish that I could meditate @Inastorm. I bet itsbl beneficial to one's mind and body. Have you been doing that for long? Is there any particular place that you meditate?

Im sorry that you're loved one hasn't replied. My sister banished me years back and it hurt like he'll.

Thanks @Lane. Sorry to hear about your sister and whats going go with your daughter.
I have been meditating on and off for a few years. I do Zazen which is really straight forward. Some people mediate on their breath but I can't as focusing on my breathing causes me anxiety, therefore I focus on my posture. Basically get a mat and sit if you can cross legged, if not sit on a standard dinning room type chair. Face a blank wall about 1 metre away and look at a 45 degree at the wall. Focus on your back being nice and straight and keep your eyes open. Sit there for 10 mins, and increase over time. If I start drifting away in my mind, I will adjust my posture to get back into a straight upright position again.

 

[Shinzon1]

Frail but have some more energy in me.

I'm going to have be making appointment or two Monday. Not going to ignore how I feel cause "be a man" this time.

 

[TragicReality]

aching but mentally i'm doing good today

 

[FieryL]

Job hunting can be very trying. It sounds like youre doing all that you can @FieryL and I hope the ideal job comes along soon.

I dearly wish it wouldn't come too late.. because I don't have a plan B now for the time if it won't come. Just really don't have, and surviving will depend a lot on luck....
To say I'm scared - is not to say anything - I'm terrified and panicking. I have physical pains in my body because of panic.. Getting grippe in this crucial time is another blow in my plans - previous was repairs above my room which rended me completely dysfunctional (((
I know that I wasted a lot of time (2 years) and yet haven't find any work yet, but it only terrifies me more, because in the ~2 months left the danger of being left without means to live... I'm not ready to it at all, there's no plan B, really, at all.