I am feeling a bit better. Don't know how, my physical symptoms seem to have eased a bit today, or maybe it's the pain medication. I always feel terrible when I wake up at 5am on a Saturday when I've set the alarm for 10.30am. For a while I managed to sleep in but today body just wasn't having it. I did a few hours' work and now going to watch some cartoons and just not do anything.
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How Are You Feeling Right Now?
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I'm not great with advice, but if you have a certain task you can break up into smaller bits, like an errand you need to run, make it simple as you can. Then think of how you'll reward yourself for that effort and complete that task. The rewards can be...Like, a bath, music, a movie, something you enjoy, or even if you can buy something you'd like for just yourself. Hugs.
I'm ok. My son managed to get a new phone number. Then he knocked on my window, he did have a reason. The apartment I lived at before had my bank mail, so his friend lives there and must have seen if for me. I then felt bad, and I'm letting him sleep as long as he needs to on the couch. Then I'm going to talk to him again, about what options he has, I can start with getting him on a list for subidized housing. It's a long list, but eventually it will be worth it. And I think there might be some free addiction treatment centers. The problem with him is he wont go to the hospital because of his weed addiction. He wont like my offers or telling him his options of going to a shelter. He already knows, and he doesn't go. If any name calling happens I'll ask him to leave. I know he needs rest, he's refused to go now for quite a while and has been on the street. Advil is helping my fevers, but I want to mention this stuff to my own doctor next. week.
I'm relieved. First the spider came running across my laptop. I managed to put it on the table and it hung around under there for a bit. So I forgot about it, next minute it was running up my arm so I captured it and put it in the garden - it seemed to be a garden spider so that seemed the most appropriate course of action. Hopefully I will not have any more arachnid visitors tonight.
Hey, I'm really sorry about the late reply I forgot to check 
I don't have anything prescribed and since I live in a group home I have to go to a bunch of appointments with a therapist before I'm allowed to take anything. At the moment I just drink a bunch of beer before I go to bed and hope I black out so I get at least a little rest.
I don't have anything prescribed and since I live in a group home I have to go to a bunch of appointments with a therapist before I'm allowed to take anything. At the moment I just drink a bunch of beer before I go to bed and hope I black out so I get at least a little rest.
I'm in trouble. Insomnia is affecting me. I have had 3 all-nighters in the past 8 days, and in-between no more than 6 hours in any 24 hour period. Let alone consecutively. Well, I kinda cracked today. I know I'm not thinking straight, and I can barely walk straight.
What is causing the insomnia is that there is something I need to process, but it's also behind a door, and younger Jack wrote a very clear and severe warning that I must NOT open that door, under any circumstances. I don't even remember what it is, so I guess I'm good at something - walling things off and avoiding them until they grow toxic and leech into the fabric of my being! Can't tell right now if this is a breakthrough or a breakdown, but what I do know is that something is breaking. I'm thinking about relapse again. Substance use or suicide. Two different trains goin to the same station. I feel stuck on the mental health train though, and it's going so fast that even getting off feels impossible. Which makes me more eager to die. Problem is that I need to deal with the physical problem first. I am too foggy in the noggin to feel confident that any solution I could devise now would not end up making everything worse.
I remember an old TV comedy series featuring Chris Rock. It was titled, "everybody hates chris." I don't think everyone hates me, but I'm still thinking about that title because it's coming to my mind that if my life were a TV show it would be better titled, "Jack breaks everything he touches, and even some things that he didn't. I just want it to stop hurting. It hurts like I must have done something shitty, because god/karma/universe/myself is punishing the FUCK out of me. Apologies for profanity but that's sometimes the only words I have to express magnitude like this.
What is causing the insomnia is that there is something I need to process, but it's also behind a door, and younger Jack wrote a very clear and severe warning that I must NOT open that door, under any circumstances. I don't even remember what it is, so I guess I'm good at something - walling things off and avoiding them until they grow toxic and leech into the fabric of my being! Can't tell right now if this is a breakthrough or a breakdown, but what I do know is that something is breaking. I'm thinking about relapse again. Substance use or suicide. Two different trains goin to the same station. I feel stuck on the mental health train though, and it's going so fast that even getting off feels impossible. Which makes me more eager to die. Problem is that I need to deal with the physical problem first. I am too foggy in the noggin to feel confident that any solution I could devise now would not end up making everything worse.
I remember an old TV comedy series featuring Chris Rock. It was titled, "everybody hates chris." I don't think everyone hates me, but I'm still thinking about that title because it's coming to my mind that if my life were a TV show it would be better titled, "Jack breaks everything he touches, and even some things that he didn't. I just want it to stop hurting. It hurts like I must have done something shitty, because god/karma/universe/myself is punishing the FUCK out of me. Apologies for profanity but that's sometimes the only words I have to express magnitude like this.
this reminded me today I had this ugly little spider, the ugliest spider i've ever seen run up my arm in bed. Usually I'm ok with spiders, we call them dandy long legs, they are common. But this thing was so ugly, it had at least 8 legs and it was black, I didn't know how fast to grab something to kill it. I looked it up because i've never seen one like that. I'm not harmed, but the spider is now glued to the outside of my window. ewww.
I'm sorry for how you;re feeling, really sorry. I hope something helps you get to sleep tonight. Forgive me for plain talk, I don't have a lot of words, but I know how whacky I feel when I can't sleep, it makes absolutely EVERYTHING worse .... so I hope you can darken your room, maybe put something like favorite music or white noise and get some sleep. Bringing up some trauma is likely causing this, and I know you want to go to use something, I think, but don't. You can make this work. Try to focus from top to bottom on everything and tense it then release the muscles. Do deep breathing into your abdomen. I hope you can sleep tonight more than just a little.
