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How Are You Feeling Right Now?
- Thread starter UNREGISTERED0000
- Start date
I am going to lose a dear dear friend that I love in the next few weeks, maybe he has some months. He was just initiated into the MD Anderson Cancer system for treatments etc and I picked him up during his discharge a few days ago and had a couple of hours with him which was a gift since I hadn't seen him for 3 months. And I know he is deteriorating and I just have to accept it. There is nothing I can do to help since he is staying with his uncaring family in Dallas these days and it just happened to work out that I could go pick him up and take him to where he had to go. That's another story. All I can do is text with him and have a short phone call with him every few days when he feels up to it. My heart is breaking, he is such a dear wonderful man and he wants to live but he is in pain in many ways. Sh*t. Feeling helpless and not sure I will make it to acceptance anytime soon.
I feel a bit more chilled out now, which is true to form most days - feel like I'm hit by a truck waking up, then a relaxed first hour of the day over coffee, then the weight of everything hits, frantic afternoon and evening, followed by calm as there is nothing to be done by this time of night. Went on my night walk and fussed 3 cats. They are increasing in number. Maybe they've been chatting in their cat language and mentioned this walking dude gives nice little head fusses. One just ran straight towards me as if it knew me lol.
I haven't posted in a while, I'll go back and try to catch up with how everyone is doing. I'm depressed with the situation with my son, but for the people who messaged me here, about it I really appreciate you and your understanding. I can't live with him again, but if he straightens himself up, hopefully not addicted to drugs, I will support him in other ways, if he get's a job, I can help with workboots etc. I was hoping that what the police told me is true, that if nobody bonds him out they'd find other accomadations for him. They haven't. There is a purpose to this even though it's hard on me, it hurts, must be hellish for him, but I do hope he learns he can't treat others and property the way he has, and learns respect.
I don't think I'm making much sense, just know I appreciate anyone who helps me, because it's easy to blame myself for everything. But he is of age to be accountable for his own actions. Other than this, I'm fairly ok. My pain is better, a foam mattress instead of the other cheap thing is helping, and I'm not needing to use over the counter meds much. I'm being responsible with how I use my pain meds. I need some motivation to go for walks, so tomorrow I'll walk to the library and see if they still have book clubs going on.
I don't think I'm making much sense, just know I appreciate anyone who helps me, because it's easy to blame myself for everything. But he is of age to be accountable for his own actions. Other than this, I'm fairly ok. My pain is better, a foam mattress instead of the other cheap thing is helping, and I'm not needing to use over the counter meds much. I'm being responsible with how I use my pain meds. I need some motivation to go for walks, so tomorrow I'll walk to the library and see if they still have book clubs going on.
I feel lonely. Not for lack of people so much as lack of skills for locating safe people to open up with. Being a gay man, hookup apps can get me in (intimate) physical contact at the drop of a ... keystroke (?)
But you never know who you'll get. Maybe I'm making it too hard on myself. So many people come to the apps with these specific expectations, kind of like the relational equivalent of being on the road and thinking everyone going faster than me is a maniac, but anyone driving slower is a moron. I'm having the thought as I write this that I might be able to have some fun with making myself as silly as possible to filter out anyone who wouldn't be able to handle me anyway. It is difficult though - I don't even know what I want. I only know what I don't want. Story of my f- ing life right now.
But you never know who you'll get. Maybe I'm making it too hard on myself. So many people come to the apps with these specific expectations, kind of like the relational equivalent of being on the road and thinking everyone going faster than me is a maniac, but anyone driving slower is a moron. I'm having the thought as I write this that I might be able to have some fun with making myself as silly as possible to filter out anyone who wouldn't be able to handle me anyway. It is difficult though - I don't even know what I want. I only know what I don't want. Story of my f- ing life right now.
My friend has just been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I don’t know what is going to happen next. She is very holistic and rejects the idea of chemotherapy and radiation. the little bit I have read about her cancer is not very encouraging. I will be able to spend time with her this weekend as we live faily close. The doctors have not discussed anything with her. I’m going to try to be there for her Through this time of her endurance. I’m going to struggle with it just like you. Back when I joined this forum I would have gladly accepted cancer as a means to die. Now I am comfortable my friends are starting to die off. I am just babbling. I will be going through the same experience as you.
