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How Are You Feeling Right Now?
- Thread starter UNREGISTERED0000
- Start date
Got my method out, held it in my hands. Kind of weird lack of feeling about it. No anxiety. Didn't break the seal and put it back away. It'd be so easy. But so final. And I know I might feel different again. Sick of my brain convincing me this is how I'll always feel. But for heaven's sake can just one small thing not go wrong for a change? Just get one thing fixed and not ripped off and lied to? Just fucking sleep for a few hours tonight like a human being?
It just gets better and better. Because of dealing, or trying to deal, with all this house stuff, I dropped the ball in one of my jobs and have now had access to a huge chunk of work revoked. No warning, no second chance, no appeal. That's just how this shit works. I'm not up to doing most of that work anyway. But I need x amount of money to keep the lights on and I can't even think straight at the moment, let alone manage complex projects....
Struggling. I need to observe the gutter in the daytime after rain as I saw it in the dark last night and there's a chance I was seeing light play or other artefacts in the dark (can see headlights reflecting on the gutter surface). I just need it to rain properly for 5 minutes and can't even get that to happen. When that's done I could maybe rescue my sanity and try to get on with something that isn't browsing handy people and experiencing complete decision fatigue.
As soon as I wake my mind gets pushed down because I can feel the contrast between who I used to be and what I am now. I used to have a little bit of a wellspring of confident energy. It was a blessing I didn't know I had, and it used to be my strength to deal with grief, trauma. I never thought I'd end up so affected and broken, just want this to end.
I don't know how I really feel. I awoke crying because I'm still struggling with C-PTSD symptoms & suicidal thoughts & impulses/urges. I went back to work yesterday & I felt so disconnected from everything that I just to be at home. I don't know what else to say besides I wish I didn't have to struggle so much. Life has become for me a chore.
I am better but I don't know how. I was falling apart all night and most of today, no sleep, deep suicidal urges, powerless rage, and deep exhaustion. I had to hang on 15 minutes at a time as all I wanted to do was take my method and go to sleep. But part of me doesn't want to give this callous universe the satisfaction (noted it's probably indifferent but it feels evil at times). That was an awful wave. I hope a window might open now.
Why can't anybody do their job properly? Roofers who can't change a union bracket on a fucking gutter, and now a pizza shop that managed to screw up my takeaway. Countdown comes and goes. Press the where is my order button... Takeaway is hard to reach... it may be busy.... I've ordered every Thursday for at least the last year.... So I call and this unintelligible geezer starts going on. I tell him my order, he tells me I ordered store pickup so it was my error.... I have the order in front of me so I tell him he's full of crap. He says it will be with me soon then. So after ordering starving at 8pm I finally got my pizza at 9.30pm. Wasn't as hungry as I'd gone into another stress meltdown. The delivery guy was very apologetic. I won't get to finish off Race across the World now as I had it paused pending my pizza - for 1.5 hours.... Just seems no matter what happens, the universe is just going to stick 2 fingers up at me. I wish it would do something serious like crash a plane into my house. I'd welcome that, not all this petty little crap that just wears you down.