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How Are You Feeling Right Now?
- Thread starter UNREGISTERED0000
- Start date
Terrible. This hurts like hell and I am pretty fucked now. Because I never wanted to live, I never planned to be alive long term. I constantly told myself that if things turn out bad, well I will just take my exit then.
Now it is that future and I no longer feel like it’s okay to off myself. I’m looking at the loss of everything material in my life: retirement savings, career, car, and housing. I quit drinking, and I am still watching my life fall apart. I just never cared until I did. Past me didn’t think future me would ever exist.
That’s all spilled milk by now. I am thinking of a couple little aphorisms that are relevant right now. There’s a zen saying that, “this cup is already broken.” It means that nothing is permanent and everything we own will break. Staying aware of this will mitigate our upset when we break that cup.
The other is attributed to Lao-Tse (or Confuscious maybe?) that, “The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now.” I never wanted a tree, I wanted to feed the trees before I reached my current age. Now that has changed and I am scrambling to even identify what trees to plant. I just don’t know and I’m wishing that I could be relieved of the decision.
Now it is that future and I no longer feel like it’s okay to off myself. I’m looking at the loss of everything material in my life: retirement savings, career, car, and housing. I quit drinking, and I am still watching my life fall apart. I just never cared until I did. Past me didn’t think future me would ever exist.
That’s all spilled milk by now. I am thinking of a couple little aphorisms that are relevant right now. There’s a zen saying that, “this cup is already broken.” It means that nothing is permanent and everything we own will break. Staying aware of this will mitigate our upset when we break that cup.
The other is attributed to Lao-Tse (or Confuscious maybe?) that, “The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now.” I never wanted a tree, I wanted to feed the trees before I reached my current age. Now that has changed and I am scrambling to even identify what trees to plant. I just don’t know and I’m wishing that I could be relieved of the decision.
I'm sorry you also feel terrible @LumberJack . (h) if they help.
You are very important to this community.
You are very important to this community.
I feel like I'm on a treadmill of doom. I tried so hard to get all the surgical clearances. Now, because I can't keep an appointment today because of transport issue, everything, including the surgery date is up in the air.
People don't seem to understand how hard it is for me to get to these places. Schedulers ask "don't you have family?". No, I don't. That in itself is upsetting, but its like a dig at me and my difficulties.
People don't seem to understand how hard it is for me to get to these places. Schedulers ask "don't you have family?". No, I don't. That in itself is upsetting, but its like a dig at me and my difficulties.
Little bit stressed. As I took time off earlier in week today is jam packed with calls etc, and it's feeling a bit overwhelming. At least no commute, and pizza once 7.30pm arrives. Just got to stay alive and appear vaguely functional in the meantime! Not seen a cat since Sunday so am having cat discontinuation syndrome 🙀
If it helps, I would not call you stupid over that! I have also broken a sink basin, but in my case I had a borosilicate glass decoration tip over and land square on the porcelain. The offending object was cylindrical and just under a foot tall. Since the sculpture's glass was basically pyrex, it suffered no damage, but holy hell did that sink crack up like a dropped eggshell, lol. 
Although the basin fractured, I could save it until I could afford a repair with some silicone sealant. I sometimes think I'm just the clumsiest person in the world - but that's unlikely since only one person could be the clumsiest person in the world by definition. I do, however, believe that I'm in the top 95th-98th percentile!
From pricing out repairs, I can say that if the sink basin is porcelain and not also a below counter type (Where the basin is countersunk into the bathroom counter and adhesive holding the top of the basin to the underside of the counter), it's a very nominal repair and could be even DIY if you're comfortable working with plumbing. A porcelain sink basin is usually pretty affordable compared to other materials, too.
If you instead have one of those countersunk basins, that's going to be more challenging. The adhesive that holds up the top of the sink has to cure for a couple days, and it's very difficult to get someone to work on it. The plumbers didn't want to touch it because of the top adhesive and said that's really a thing that would call for a countertop expert. Trying to find a countertop repair, however, was a non-starter because they are more interested in doing complete renovations of every single surface along with the shower/tub. Therefore, they don't even come onsite for an estimate if you are not ready for $3k repairs at least. Ultimately I was able to find a handyman thru personal connections who did the work for about $350 including parts. HTH.
Although the basin fractured, I could save it until I could afford a repair with some silicone sealant. I sometimes think I'm just the clumsiest person in the world - but that's unlikely since only one person could be the clumsiest person in the world by definition. I do, however, believe that I'm in the top 95th-98th percentile!
From pricing out repairs, I can say that if the sink basin is porcelain and not also a below counter type (Where the basin is countersunk into the bathroom counter and adhesive holding the top of the basin to the underside of the counter), it's a very nominal repair and could be even DIY if you're comfortable working with plumbing. A porcelain sink basin is usually pretty affordable compared to other materials, too.
If you instead have one of those countersunk basins, that's going to be more challenging. The adhesive that holds up the top of the sink has to cure for a couple days, and it's very difficult to get someone to work on it. The plumbers didn't want to touch it because of the top adhesive and said that's really a thing that would call for a countertop expert. Trying to find a countertop repair, however, was a non-starter because they are more interested in doing complete renovations of every single surface along with the shower/tub. Therefore, they don't even come onsite for an estimate if you are not ready for $3k repairs at least. Ultimately I was able to find a handyman thru personal connections who did the work for about $350 including parts. HTH.
My status is that I am hurting. I'm not suicidal, but I still wish I didn't have long to live. That is not entirely unlikely, but I have blown past all of my end-of-life estimates so far. I want to do something meaningful with my life but I'd rather have that puzzle rendered moot by a not-too-distant appointment with the Reaper.
I am and have been pursuing spirituality for as long as I can remember, but I'm so depressed right now that I would rather my story end here than to somehow maybe attain realization in this lifetime. I know that is counterproductive because I know I need to develop openness in order to face my own death without fear.
At the same time, I am constricted against everything, so unless I die suddenly, death would be pretty frightening. This is according to the Tibetan folks who have had at least some experience with being dead for a while and coming back to tell their stories. That's another topic, but whether that is literal or mythic, I think the point is the same. Death is the ultimate breaking down (literally), and it could be joyous if I'm prepared, or difficult and painful if not. I'm planning to do some grief rituals that I have found online (mostly Thich Nhat Hanh guided exercises). Last night, though, I was exhausted and felt like it would be counterproductive to cry that much. So I basically have to train for this work as if it were a distance run. Until I'm strong enough to handle the physical demands of this processing work, I don't feel like it's good to get started.
I am and have been pursuing spirituality for as long as I can remember, but I'm so depressed right now that I would rather my story end here than to somehow maybe attain realization in this lifetime. I know that is counterproductive because I know I need to develop openness in order to face my own death without fear.
At the same time, I am constricted against everything, so unless I die suddenly, death would be pretty frightening. This is according to the Tibetan folks who have had at least some experience with being dead for a while and coming back to tell their stories. That's another topic, but whether that is literal or mythic, I think the point is the same. Death is the ultimate breaking down (literally), and it could be joyous if I'm prepared, or difficult and painful if not. I'm planning to do some grief rituals that I have found online (mostly Thich Nhat Hanh guided exercises). Last night, though, I was exhausted and felt like it would be counterproductive to cry that much. So I basically have to train for this work as if it were a distance run. Until I'm strong enough to handle the physical demands of this processing work, I don't feel like it's good to get started.
@cymbele I hope the pain becomes more manageable. I don't know you but am curious about why you say you take up too much space. My mind and heart tell me that every living being and creature on the planet takes exactly how much they're supposed to; in other words I feel that phrase is a weapon. I hope the being ourselves without shame or guilt is part of the freedom and kind support that we're all supposed to find here. Although I admit I feel quite a bit of shame. I'm working on it, along with all the rest of the stuff I have to do to keep healing.