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How Are You Feeling Right Now?
- Thread starter UNREGISTERED0000
- Start date
I'm looking for pt work because of the money. I have been thinking of joining the senior center (to become friends and volunteer there) but have to do that. I've been busy with Christmas but the money is drying up. That's what scares me. I've not been worried about money before, having good paying jobs before.
Intrusive thoughts that are telling me to hurt myself. They are only thoughts, though. I wish my automatic thoughts were more in line with my true values and aspirations. I don’t get to choose that, though. I have had thoughts telling me to kms, sometimes in very detailed descriptions of how, as long as I can remember having any verbal cognition at all. So it’s not like I chose this or even had the idea of stopping before they were already ingrained.
I feel like a failure at life. I have let everyone down who has tried to help me. That’s a lot of people, too. I want to sleep. Just sleep as long as possible.
I feel like a failure at life. I have let everyone down who has tried to help me. That’s a lot of people, too. I want to sleep. Just sleep as long as possible.
Doesn't that mean that worrying is effective? I'm preventing bad things from happening by worrying about the possibility of them happening! See also: preventing alligator attacks by way of putting a banana in your ear. 
Bloody exhausted. My watch has been registering constant 50+ stress (out of 100) and no rest for 48 hours. The last 2 nights the "body battery" totally flatlined - zero charge (because zero rest as my heart rate variability is tanking badly). On paper (well, screen), I'm exhausted and that's how I feel. Honestly don't know how I stay upright sometimes. Stubbornness, probably.
Once again, I feel irritated. I've seen what ill I've made, how I've gone wrong. I know I haven't practiced getting it right, but I still want to get back to the beginning now. Consciously it bears out that I wouldn't have this crisp awareness - hence my insipid ignorance for this particular attempt- but I still want to take a chance, get this failed lap overwith, and try the whole thing from the beginning.
But I can't. Loved ones here need me; have indicated they'd be hurt if I left them to live life on their own. And I've caught that losing a relative to suicide can increase risk of one's own suicide, which I don't want for them. Unlike me, they haven't failed the attempt at life.
Besides, in ticks of clarity, I recall that if I recklessly send myself back right now, without having dug deep to reshape my mind, hardcode my lessons and desired traits into sheer intuition, and fail to hard-ingrain the many warnings I must, the next attempt I'll be just as mediocre, *at best*, as I was this run.
So I have to stay. And it makes me angry. Angry, angry, angry. I don't feel ready for the next attempt, but I *do* feel like I've already lost this one.
But I can't. Loved ones here need me; have indicated they'd be hurt if I left them to live life on their own. And I've caught that losing a relative to suicide can increase risk of one's own suicide, which I don't want for them. Unlike me, they haven't failed the attempt at life.
Besides, in ticks of clarity, I recall that if I recklessly send myself back right now, without having dug deep to reshape my mind, hardcode my lessons and desired traits into sheer intuition, and fail to hard-ingrain the many warnings I must, the next attempt I'll be just as mediocre, *at best*, as I was this run.
So I have to stay. And it makes me angry. Angry, angry, angry. I don't feel ready for the next attempt, but I *do* feel like I've already lost this one.
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Thank you @seabird
My watch said I got some rest last night - body batter charged up to 50/100 which is a step in the right direction. There are a lot of colds, covid and flu around, I rarely get these - at least not symptoms. But I could have picked something up and my immune system was working overtime in the background - on top of everything else. Hopefully I can get more rest before a very brutal pre-Christmas week next week!
My watch said I got some rest last night - body batter charged up to 50/100 which is a step in the right direction. There are a lot of colds, covid and flu around, I rarely get these - at least not symptoms. But I could have picked something up and my immune system was working overtime in the background - on top of everything else. Hopefully I can get more rest before a very brutal pre-Christmas week next week!
You are fine 
I also tend to worry that all I do is complain/ IDK about you but I also wonder if this is tiresome for others. I would like to have better news more often.
Seeing you say you don’t want to whine makes me want to reach out (hence this post), because from the outside, I want to say something like, “JFC holmes, you’re on a site called SF. If you don’t talk about what you’re struggling with here, where can you?”
From the inside, though, it’s much harder to extend the same welcoming attitude to myself. It’s probably the same for you- I don’t know how to read minds, so maybe it’s not that way for you.
Either way we are here on this site to mutually support each other. We give support when we can and we can vent or problem solve or make dad jokes when we struggle.
I also tend to worry that all I do is complain/ IDK about you but I also wonder if this is tiresome for others. I would like to have better news more often.
Seeing you say you don’t want to whine makes me want to reach out (hence this post), because from the outside, I want to say something like, “JFC holmes, you’re on a site called SF. If you don’t talk about what you’re struggling with here, where can you?”
From the inside, though, it’s much harder to extend the same welcoming attitude to myself. It’s probably the same for you- I don’t know how to read minds, so maybe it’s not that way for you.
Either way we are here on this site to mutually support each other. We give support when we can and we can vent or problem solve or make dad jokes when we struggle.
I’m feeling a bit accomplished. My therapist discussed OCD with me, and we brainstormed some ways to disengage from the ruminations that seem to be so adhered to my every spare thought.
I tried some of these ideas, and I have definitely had less stress from planning (purely in fantasy) my revenge, and rehearsing what I should have said when it was happening. The rehearsal of past events is the most painful, because now I am reliving a hellscape of past trauma, which I think says I must build up ammo against a potential similar, future threat. All it’s doing is keeping me on a mental hamster wheel, chewing up my energy and displacing my time that is better spent on higher priorities.
So trying new skills is something I enjoy for its own sake. I kind of like that earlier section of the learning curve where I don’t yet know how hard it will end up being after I get past the “walk, talk, and tie my shoes” phase of new skills maturity. I am proud to be a Jack of all trades and master of none! Specialization is for insects.
Even better is that I am enjoying the benefits of focusing attention elsewhere and not feeling like shit because the thoughts are running all over me.
I tried some of these ideas, and I have definitely had less stress from planning (purely in fantasy) my revenge, and rehearsing what I should have said when it was happening. The rehearsal of past events is the most painful, because now I am reliving a hellscape of past trauma, which I think says I must build up ammo against a potential similar, future threat. All it’s doing is keeping me on a mental hamster wheel, chewing up my energy and displacing my time that is better spent on higher priorities.
So trying new skills is something I enjoy for its own sake. I kind of like that earlier section of the learning curve where I don’t yet know how hard it will end up being after I get past the “walk, talk, and tie my shoes” phase of new skills maturity. I am proud to be a Jack of all trades and master of none! Specialization is for insects.
Even better is that I am enjoying the benefits of focusing attention elsewhere and not feeling like shit because the thoughts are running all over me.