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How Are You Feeling Right Now?
- Thread starter UNREGISTERED0000
- Start date
I know I am lonely af. Painfully so. I am lonely in a crowd and lonely alone. I just want someone to feel mutually seen and heard with. I had this before, but as my luck usually goes, he died on me. I don’t believe it’s possible, to have that ever again. Who has any use for a broken, bankrupt middle aged man?
Guilty. Still obsessing over the thing that happened where I was punished for... nothing. It's bad enough to infantilize me by putting me in timeout for an entire day, but I still don't even know why. I suspect I stepped on one person's sensitive little eggshells and that was the problem. Not my own behavior, but rather someone was having a shitty day and decided to take it out on me. The reason they cannot tell me what I did without contradicting other facts is that the real reason is indefensible.
And I'm so mad over it that I now I'm blaming myself. If I think about it, I could not really expect myself to have known. I was in the outpt program, and was having a good experience there. Another pt in the outpt program was stepping down from inpt and she had good things to say about it. She must have had a different experience than I did.
I just want to go back to feeling like I could off myself. I want to die because I think it's the only way to get any degree of peace from the painful echoes of what was flat out mild psychological torture. I mean, they didn't shock me with jumper cables or waterboard me, but there are emotional insults that hurt worse than blows. The emotional wounds never heal, you just learn how to live with bandages all over the place.
And I'm so mad over it that I now I'm blaming myself. If I think about it, I could not really expect myself to have known. I was in the outpt program, and was having a good experience there. Another pt in the outpt program was stepping down from inpt and she had good things to say about it. She must have had a different experience than I did.
I just want to go back to feeling like I could off myself. I want to die because I think it's the only way to get any degree of peace from the painful echoes of what was flat out mild psychological torture. I mean, they didn't shock me with jumper cables or waterboard me, but there are emotional insults that hurt worse than blows. The emotional wounds never heal, you just learn how to live with bandages all over the place.
I get that, too. It's been exactly 23 months for me. I have been trying to recover the person I was before it happened.
I don't think it ever gets fully healed, so to speak, at least for me. I still miss my partner and he died 9 yrs ago. Granted, I have processed a lot of grief and I have a more nuanced understanding of it now. It still hurts and I miss him every day or very close to that. At the same time, I can appreciate what time we had, and be grateful for how healing that relationship was with my attachment wounds (i can explain if that's not a familiar term).
I was much less reactive and far calmer. Now I blow up at even imagined provocations and I have to step back to reality-check whether what I'm upset over is really the thing in the immediate present, or am I triggered about something from 2 yrs ago. I'm negative almost all the time and before this I had made leaps and bounds in therapy about at least feeling Okay most of the time. They didn't break me, but they did cause some fractures. Wish I had taken my chances with my own mind - they made it worse. I think I wrote this about yesterday, but as much suffering as I have been in trying to process this, and the damage to my fundamental character is so much that I have a hard time even imagining that I might ever be content, or even not in horrible pain, again.
I don't think it ever gets fully healed, so to speak, at least for me. I still miss my partner and he died 9 yrs ago. Granted, I have processed a lot of grief and I have a more nuanced understanding of it now. It still hurts and I miss him every day or very close to that. At the same time, I can appreciate what time we had, and be grateful for how healing that relationship was with my attachment wounds (i can explain if that's not a familiar term).
Just dropping by to say I am doing better with disengaging from my obsessive/resentful thoughts. Yet, there is still just a dizzying amount of pain whether I am rehearsing a storyline or not. Keeping my attention on how I feel right now, as in bodily sensations, is keeping it from snowballing as it was - so that's an improvement. This said, it's incredibly energy-intensive. I notice that I'm ramping up, I put the cognitive brakes on as soon as I notice, then I have to think a bit to remember my coping techniques that are in the plan for what to do instead so that I don't keep snapping back to the obsessions. Finally I have to put the technique into play, which means overcoming more resistance to doing something differently now. I think it's a definite improvement. My pain is probably down from 9 out of 10 to about 5. OTOH, I'm exhausted but now that I write this out, I think that's totally to be expected. I'm trying out new behaviors and having to make extra decisions all day. I guess that's why it's called work, lol.
Still got the necessary "adulting" work that everyone who is self-supporting has to do - miles to go until I sleep. (grateful dead?)
Still got the necessary "adulting" work that everyone who is self-supporting has to do - miles to go until I sleep. (grateful dead?)